Summer's Day - Tanka [revised 10 Sep], Tanka, Nothing like a tanka of ale on a hot day. Options

[Arnfinn]

Revision 10/09/2008

Thank you, Lori

SUMMERS DAY


A leisurely walk
in the garden; florescence-
radiant colour.
The swirling breeze from the East,
full of zeal, kisses blossoms.


My favourite word 'of yours' is blossoms.



REVISION 10/09/2008

SUMMERS DAY


A leisurely walk
in the garden; floral scents-
radiant colour.
The swirling breeze from the East,
full of zeal, kisses flowers.


John









A spillover, from the free verse forum. Where nobody understood.

Okay... Pull this one to pieces.

SUMMERS DAY


Strolls through the garden,
insects, flowers, sweet perfumes.
Did you hear that? What!
The swirling breeze from the East,
grabbing flowers and sniffing.



JOHN

[Psyche]

Gotcha, Arnie the Finn!

This is quite another matter! I have to go out now, but at first glance it's lovely and obeys the rules. Congrats! (I'll hold off the nunnery for a while...).

5-7-5-7-7- ....

Having said that, I invite all kind folks to view Arnie pulling our leg over in FV. Better said, it's my neck that's been pulled, it's still stuck leftways, and my eyes are boggling. I declare we've been subjected to verbal...er, poetic abuse! Will sue....LOL.... (hope he hasn't removed it, that would be cowardly, plus I need the evidence).

Have a Tanka of ale, everybody!
Cheers, Syl***

[JLY]

John,
I am not familiar with the form that you used, however, I find this to have a very appealing theme that is wrapped up in a tight, "there it is" kind of presentation.

The breezes always seem to come from the West and they are usually the ones that add a nurturing touch; here the Eastern breezes have a little more zeal to them and they are not always as soothing.

JLY

[Arnfinn]

Ahh, Com'on Sylv.

Don't be like that


You know what they say, ( have you ever wondered who they really are) if ya not understood, try again!




He, he...


John

[Arnfinn]

Hi, John,

Hope your going OK?

yEAH. Well, John... The breeze from the West... Considering, I LIVE on the East coast. Is HOT.

hMMM... The breeze, would not only bee sniffing. Maybe, it may be flame-thower-ing.


Thanks I'll change.

All the best in health,


John

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi mate,

A clever switch from fv to tanka! I haven't seen a tanka in a long while and enjoyed the read. I challenge you now to take each word and see if there's another one that might fit your message too ( a fun exercise) within the params if you dare to try. The two gerunds in L5 might be better visioned as 'caresses blooms and inhales'.

Strolls through the garden, - Perhaps a sub for 'strolls' and 'garden' or a switch to 'Through the garden strolls'.
insects, flowers, sweet perfumes.
Did you hear that? What! - Maybe italicize this line?
The swirling breeze from the East,
grabbing flowers and sniffing.

Enjoyed the read John - I'll have to write a few of these too - thanks for the inspiration!
~Cleo

[Arnfinn]

How are things, Lori.

Pheeew... I've just had Sylvia on me back, mate. Now your setting me tasks.

You are correct about the Italianattics. I'll have to change that.

I've been thinking about progressions.

Sorta, in this forum. Or a new Forum.

Start with Haiku, ( or short form, couplet ) then progress to a Tanka, then a Limerick, then If it can be done, branch out into other forms, even a sonnet.

All from an original posting of one poem

Can't remember any other poetry sites doing anything like this.
If one was smart, they could go through most of the poetry forms.

How is Liz?

Regards,

John.

[Cleo_Serapis]

You could always do a link to the other forms of the same 'poem' too when you post them as a new form each time? I had toyed with the idea a few times and I think Snow has too.

Take a free verse, convert it to a form, then try other forms too and see how it goes. You could post a thread in Karnak too as a challenge of sorts for people to reply to there as well.

Haven't heard from Liz since July 30th - getting concerned (she usually phones me) - but not a peep since then. I'll try and give her a ring after work.

~Lori

[Arnfinn]

Hello, Lori,


I've just posted a revised version of my A


jOHN

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hey mate,

Much improved! Now I can see color and scent more clearly!

A leisurely walk
in the garden; floral scents-
radiant colour.
The swirling breeze from the East,
full of zeal, kisses flowers.

My onliest nit that remains is this: - you use floral scents and then flowers - is there another word to sub for either, perhaps nature's scents OR florescence in place of floral scents OR kisses blossoms (for alliteration to breeze)?

It would look like this:
A leisurely walk
in the garden; florescence-
radiant colour.
The swirling breeze from the East,
full of zeal, kisses blossoms.

Enjoying this one!
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Another option would be to make mother nature the dominant factor here and change The swirling breeze to "Her", so you'd have:

A leisurely walk
in the garden; nature's scents-
radiant colour.
Her swirling breeze from the East,
full of zeal, kisses blossoms.

[Arnfinn]

Whoooooooooooee, Lori,


Hmmm...


Gotta get this RIGHT.


A leisurely walk
in the garden; floral scents-
radiant colour.
The swirling breeze from the East,
full of zeal, kisses flowers.

My onliest nit that remains is this: - you use floral scents and then flowers - is there another word to sub for either, perhaps nature's scents OR florescence in place of floral scents OR kisses blossoms (for alliteration to breeze)?


It would look like this:
A leisurely walk
in the garden; florescence- <<< lOOKED up 'florescence' , Very good choice, Lori. means 'flowering.'
radiant colour.
The swirling breeze from the East,
full of zeal, kisses blossoms. <<< Hmm... Another, good choice of words.


Hey, BIG, improvement.

I'll repost..........................................................................
..Yep.

Now I've got to spend tomorrow trying to improve???


John

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hey John - I posted a second suggestion too just above your reply - did ya see it?

[Arnfinn]

Nah?

Yours was: 10.47 Mine was : 11.01?


Flora, was the Goddess of flowers?

Why Change and indefinite word to a gender word?

Dunno about that.

The line is singular. Why not convert to 'plural' breezes?

(something) swirling breezes from the East
full of zeal, do I use plural or singular (kisses or kiss) if kiss, no good, have to change 'zeal'.


John