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Independence [revised 16 July 2008], Senryu |
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Jul 4 08, 18:15
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Mosaic Master
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* Distant trumpets sound as fireworks shed their redcoats -- Independence rings *
Original: Distant bugles sing as fireworks shed their redcoats -- Independence rings
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jul 7 08, 16:49
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Happy 4th Lori,
I saw your Haiku (actually Senryu... no nature) and thought I'd nit pick just a little.
How about "Distant trumpets sing" instead of bugles?
After a good fireworks display, my ears always ring and I thought of a comic twist for L3.
Ear and freedom rings LOL!
Not a suggested change, just a whimsical thought.
Larry
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Jul 7 08, 19:17
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Mosaic Master
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Hi Larry and a Happy belated 4th to you. Thanks for noticing those two things that I mulled over: the first is that it is Senryu, not Haiku (I had that in my title description first) and the second is the reference to 'trumpets' instead of bugles. Trumpets has a softer sound to it paired with 'distant' over bugles. I was thinkking of bugles in the context of a funeral, or remembrance of a fallen soldier and had my mind wrapped around it being thought of more easily in that way than trumpets and since this is about celebrating independence I opted for bugles. It's not to say I won't change my mind though, ! After a good fireworks display, my ears always ring and I thought of a comic twist for L3. Ear and freedom rings LOL! Not a suggested change, just a whimsical thought.Ha ha! Funny one Larry! Thanks for stopping in. ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jul 15 08, 09:54
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Hi Lori,
Your senryu is a colorful and patriotic one! I like it, but I don't believe senryu's are supposed to rhyme, are they? "Sing" and "rings" rhyme to my ear. What about changing "rings" to "reigns"?
Peggy
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Jul 15 08, 17:31
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Mosaic Master
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Thanks Peggy. You know, I'm not certain - so I shall go and take a look... Thanks for commenting! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jul 15 08, 17:44
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Hi Lori,
I was curious too so I looked it on an online dictionary. I've cut and pasted it below.
A senryu is a three line Japanese poem structurally similar to haiku. It is unrhymed and the subject is based human nature. It is usually satirical or ironic.
Peggy
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Jul 16 08, 05:16
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Mosaic Master
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OK - thanks Peggy. I've posted a revision above. Cheers, ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jul 16 08, 08:22
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Hi Cleo,
I like it!!!
Peggy
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Jul 16 08, 15:57
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Hey Lori, I like your changes. I wasn't going to nit pick at your salute to the 4th any more because I didn't think it needed any more changes but I see Peggy noticed the rhyme. I did too after it was pointed out. Good revision! Larry
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Jul 17 08, 05:35
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Mosaic Master
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Hello Peggy and Larry, I'm glad you both like the changes! I think I like them too! Larry - I'm all about the nits - so pick away for anything I post for crit. Thanks again! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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