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Senyru or...???, 17 syllable thing-a-ma-jig |
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Jul 4 07, 12:29
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 376
Joined: 28-May 07
From: Co. Galway, Ireland
Member No.: 440
Real Name: Terry O C
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Ephiny
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. now, eternal now forever is in blossom never dies again This is something I wrote a couple of years ago, it has 3 lines and 17 syllables so I called it a haiku at the time. Of course it not and I suspect it might not even be a senyru....whats left???
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Terrylight lights light
--Raymond Rosliep "The imagination imitates. It is the critical spirit that creates."--Oscar WildeMM Award Winner
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Jul 4 07, 13:40
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 18,578
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Greetings, Terry... I can't go back with you to the momentary expression of a couple of years ago, but your explanation, coupled with your words brought me to a replication of a feeling perhaps something like yours, so perhaps it could be stated something like this... as a haiku that some might consider a senryu: now has returned to blossom now as before; will it never die? Lightly shuffling (words), Daniel
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Jul 6 07, 10:16
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 376
Joined: 28-May 07
From: Co. Galway, Ireland
Member No.: 440
Real Name: Terry O C
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Ephiny
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QUOTE now has returned to blossom now as before; will it never die? Lightly shuffling (words), Daniel Thanks for the edit Daniel, although I think its very different from mine in meaning, not that thats a bad thing and I'm glad you've had a bit of fun with it but I was curious. Haiku is about beauty in nature, Senyru are somewhat skeptical comments on humanity(???), mine is more philosophical so I was curious as to what Japanese short-form deals in philosophy. Terry
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Terrylight lights light
--Raymond Rosliep "The imagination imitates. It is the critical spirit that creates."--Oscar WildeMM Award Winner
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Jul 6 07, 11:21
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi Terry,
I would like to recommend that you consider reading all the parameters of both forms before posting here for critique. You can always test the waters in our practice forum over at Karnak Crossing if you are unsure of a form.
IMHO, This one doesn't fit either form's parameters, other than the fact that it contains 17 syllables.
Sorry - I've got to run back to work (pushing anothrr 60+ hour week here)..
Be back. Lori
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jul 6 07, 17:10
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 376
Joined: 28-May 07
From: Co. Galway, Ireland
Member No.: 440
Real Name: Terry O C
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Ephiny
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Hi Cleo so it ain't haiku you say; not even senyru my apologies I've actually been doing a lot of reading on this subject. I thought senyru's scope might just encompass my little ditty. 60 hour week There should be a law or something. Terry
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Terrylight lights light
--Raymond Rosliep "The imagination imitates. It is the critical spirit that creates."--Oscar WildeMM Award Winner
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Jul 9 07, 04:35
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hi Terry Noce sentiments here, however I have to agree with Lori that it is neither haiku or senryu at the moment. Haiku/senryu requires no more than 17 syllables -- Lary has given some good links in Karnock. I find writing 3 short lines more difficult at times than a long poem LOL!! Good luck with this one. Snow
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Oct 9 07, 18:50
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 181
Joined: 13-September 07
From: Conway, Arkansas
Member No.: 468
Real Name: Pamela
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:self
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Hi Terry, here I am with my 2 cents. I think the core of your idea is fantastic. May I suggest you keep "forever is in blossom" and rework the rest? You've really got your hook into something here. Don't give up on it!!!!!
Perhaps something like....
seasons eternal forever in blossom refreshens our souls
Hugs, Pami
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