inspiration sleeping Options

[Guest_dflore_*]

inspiration is a man asleep in a chair that is too comfortable today

I would like to see his back upright with a business man in ray-bans smile

his head exploding, ideas splattering over the window next to him


inspiration today should come out in a baby's giggle

for too long I have only heard it wail

I grabbed the infants cry with a keyboard lasso

and as I was teething

I typed out every act of atrocity committed against me in a font of pure venom


my grandmother sighs- "when will you write about our nice trip to North Carolina, Danny"

maybe when the moon from that night pops out of today's sky I reply

like a headlight glowing in the asphalt night

[AMETHYST]

Hello Daniel,

There is a lot of intent held in this poem. Intent that is trying to reach a spectrum of profound thought and powerful meaning. I see it within the lines, I feel the swell of intent building and yet, I think in my opinion only, that it gets lost due to the over extended effort.

First thoughts; I had a hard time seeing the inspiration here. I read this like the narrator sees images of life and is inspired to want more for his/her life. The experiences that should be wonderful (such as the sound of a baby) are experienced as negative and the narrator longs to feel the positive side of these moments. This poem very much reminds me of the Rolling Stones song, Paint It Black. The premise is awesome and it just reaches the rim of possibilities...



Please use anything that might be helpful to you and discard anything that does not meet with your intentions.

Best Regards, Liz

inspiration is a man asleep in a chair that is too comfortable today

I would like to see his back upright with a business man in ray-bans smile

his head exploding, ideas splattering over the window next to him

Just a quick note on the title. There is a stronger, more revelant title out there for this, and when it pops into mind (yours, mine or someone else that can leave it for consideration) it will soar.

In stanza 1, Less is usually more. There is a lot of tell and little movement or show here. Perhaps ... cutting out unncessary words or utilizing alternative words to make it more active.
Perhaps ...

Inspiration is -
a sleeping man, stretched restfully across an easy chair-
visions appear in my mind
back upright; sporting businness man dress in ray-bans smile
head expanding, ideas splattering
over the window, creating change for the world outside it -

inspiration today should come out in a baby's giggle

for too long I have only heard it wail

I grabbed the infants cry with a keyboard lasso

and as I was teething

I typed out every act of atrocity committed against me in a font of pure venom

Perhaps ...
Today, inspiration should come from a baby's giggle
so long, I have only heard it wail
I grabbed the infants cry with a keyboard lasso (GREAT METAPHOR/GREAT IMAGE)
teething, I typed each act of atrocity
commited against me -
the words formed in fonts of pure venom.

my grandmother sighs- "when will you write about our nice trip to North Carolina, Danny"

maybe when the moon from that night pops out of today's sky I reply

like a headlight glowing in the asphalt night

I like the personalification in this final stanza, how closer to home you bring it ... The active voice really grasps the reader ...
I would only suggest less here...

My grandmother sighs
"write about our nice trip to North Carolina, Danny"
I grin - "when the moon from then pops out of todays sky' I reply -
"like a headlight glowing in the asphalt night "

Great ending lines.... I offered a suggestion to change 'from that night pops ... because I think the repeat of night so near weakens the power the word as in the final line. That is where your strong point comes ... that final line.

Anyway, I hope I have left something to help with ... otherwise, thank you for the read

Best Regards, Liz

[Eisa]

Hi Dan

This is quite a powerful poem, which could be improved with a few tweaks, trim backs & line changes. A few suggestions:

Firstly, I find the spacing between each line, does not improve the poem.

Inspiration is a man asleep in a too comfortable chair [that is too comfortable today]

[I would like to see his] Sit with back upright [with] a business man in ray-bans smile

[his] head exploding, ideas splattering over the window [next to him]


inspiration today should come out in a baby's giggle

for too long I have only heard it wail

I grabbed the infants cry with a keyboard lasso

and as I was teething

I typed out every act of atrocity [committed] against me
in [a font of] pure venom


my grandmother sighs- "when will you write about our nice trip to North Carolina, Danny"

maybe when the moon from that night pops out of today's sky

I reply, like a headlight glowing in the asphalt night

I hope something helps
Snow