When Push Comes To Shove, (revised) Options

[merle]

(Revision)

WHEN PUSH COMES TO SHOVE

It's much easier to lie submissively
underneath your heaviness,
my silence curling around your silhouette
and bumping against the ceiling,
rather than to believe God
created me through opaque eyes.



It's much easier to lie submissively
beneath your heaviness while
my silence edges round your silhouette
and docks against the ceiling,
than to believe that God
created me through opaque eyes.

[Alan]

Dear Robin,

Oh dear, so sorry, on behalf of all mankind !

Reminds me so much of the book I read this summer, Memoires of a Gheisha.

When the time comes for her to lose her cherry, she lies there thinking "I hope he is enjoying this more than me" !

Don't mean to be flippant, because I do see this is a cry from one who is not being cause, but rather effect, in her own doings.

There is a scale

Cause
Willing Effect
Unwilling Effect

Obviously the top two are better than the last, so I suppose one should advise to at least get up to Nr 2 in all ones doings.

Love
Alan

[Peterpan]

Hello

Not many words but, an epic of information!

Well done!

Bev

[merle]

Hi Alan -

I'm thrilled this was so easily understandable since my writing can be cryptic at times. Most women I know who have experienced a bad relationship have been in this position (pun intended!). They either feel the lack of passion is 'just the way things are' or that there must be something wrong with them. The poor gheishas...

I am thinking about revising 'my silence edges round your silhoutte' to 'my silence curls around the edges of your silhoutte'. If you happen to stop by again, let me know what you think. And I'm not satisfied (I can't seem to get away from the subject matter) with the title so if you have any opinions I'd like to hear them. Thanks.

Hi Bev -

Nice to see you again, and thanks.

Robin

[Alan]

Dear Robin,

(Dare I say It ?) you women are never satisfied !

OK, since you raise the point, let me give you all my ideas in case any resonate.

WHEN PUSH COMES TO SHOVE ?

It's much easier to lie submissively
UNDERneath your heaviness, [] - makes it seem even more of a burden ?
my silence curling around your silhouette - I agree totally with curls
and docking against the ceiling, - or bumping ?
RATHER than to believe [] God
created me through opaque eyes.

So without marks and comments :

WHEN PUSH COMES TO SHOVE

It's much easier to lie submissively
underneath your heaviness,
my silence curling around your silhouette
and bumping against the ceiling,
rather than to believe God
created me through opaque eyes.

Feel free to take or adapt anything I've offered, or to roundly abuse me, I am, after all, a mere .... lol

Re the Gheisha book, read it, I think the viewpoints given might open your eyes as they did mine.

Love
Alan

[merle]

Hi Alan -

I'm quite impressed with the changes you've made considering you're a man. (I tease!!) Love the title!

Thank you!

Robin

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Robin, suppression can be seen form many sides, and it is never fun, there is always a price to be paid by someone, and usually not the one that needs to pay. A very deep and moving piece, I would cry but I have cried at these types of scenes way too many time to have any affect anymore.

Hope all is well
Take care
Steve

[AMETHYST]

Hi Robyn,

Powerful poem. Strong images to heighten a strong intent. Great title. Works on several levels. I especially felt the final line was a powerful punch, the use of opague eyes created an emotional confession of sorts. (not specifically personal to the narrator / poet, but rather the reader that can put herself / himself in this role.) The poem speaks to many on different levels and that's your hit within the poem.

Some very minor suggestions, please use what helps you and lose what does not.

Best Wishes, Liz




WHEN PUSH COMES TO SHOVE

Again, GREAT TITLE!

It's much easier to lie submissively
underneath your heaviness,

I would suggest omitting 'Much' as it felt filler, sometimes less is more. and perhaps line break at 'lie' to give power to the duality of the word. "LIE" hanging at the end, brings forth two intentions the lie of the experience, and to lie underneath ...

my silence curling around your silhouette
and bumping against the ceiling,

I would also suggest allowing "my silence' (line break thereafter) it's own line, to enhance that alone image - to offer more authority to the narrators silence -

rather than to believe God
created me through opaque eyes.

Wonderful ending lines. Powerful and intriguing.

Best Regards, Liz

[merle]

Hi Steve - Your comment really touched me; I love it when I'm able to make a connection with the reader. Thank you.


Hi Liz - Your suggestions are sound and I will revise, thank you.

Robin

[Eisa]

Hi Merle

A powerful, but touching poem. I like the revisions. I like short poems that have a lot to say.

No nits from me

Snow

[merle]

Hi Snow -

Thank you for the kind comments. I will revise shortly.

Robin

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Hi, Robin,

late to the party again and you've already had some good critique on this. My only suggestion is to substitute 'accept' for 'to believe' in line 5 to contrast the nature of the 'choices' available; ie it is easier to be disappointed in a man than in the Creator. Yours to use or lose of course,
Jim

[AMETHYST]

Hi Robyn,

Just stopping in to say the New Draft is IMO, a wonderful final draft. It reads so smooth and pleasing to the ear, while maintaining a strong and interesting meaning. A BIG THUMBS UP!!!

Best to you, Liz