Seeking Peace Options

[Siren]

It's been a while since I have written anything and I feel this is amateurish... help?

My name is Restless.
I seek oddities to my reflection
and tune out silence; peace.

When calmness floats languildly
over fate's overflowing lake,
my agitation flaps wildly through its murkiness.

When stability sashays her ample hips
brick walls crumble humbly,
yet my scrawny ones, twitching with dubiety,
place them firmly back in place.

I am Restless,
seeking Substance to ease me
into life's warm supple embrace,
and lift me away from undue concern.

[Maggie]

Hi siren,

I haven't been on much in a rather long while and it is good to find a familiar name at first glance.

I read with interest this new poem of yours. I believe it has potential, but to be honest I think it needs some work.

My name is Restless. ( I'm not fond of personifying a quality such as "restlessness.")
I seek oddities to my reflection (What about "anomalies" instead of "oddities.")
and tune out silence; peace. (Suggest comma instead of a semi-colon.)

When calmness floats languildly(Capitalize "Calmness.")
over fate's overflowing lake,
my agitation flaps wildly through its murkiness.( I'm not fond of all the personifying in this stanza either. I've not read enough of your writing to know if this is a new or old style for you. I myself personify definite "feelings" but seldom personify "qualities."_)
When stability sashays her ample hips(Capitalize "stability.")
brick walls crumble humbly,
yet my scrawny ones, twitching with dubiety,
place them firmly back in place.(Not clear if "them" is "hips" or "bricks.")

I am Restless,
seeking Substance to ease me(Don't think "Substance" is the word you want here.)
into life's warm supple embrace,
and lift me away from undue concern.( What about using the following line as the last line:
"and change my name to Security.")

Siren, sorry I can't appreciate your present style. It kind of reminds me of a morality play and I think such styles are dense and difficult to interpret. If you do decide to keep personifying qualities, you should really capitalize the qualities when you personify them.

Always remember, this is just one person's opinion. I am not correct and you're wrong. We just have different opinions.

Peggy

[Psyche]

Dear Siren,

Just have to drop in to say that I'm interested in this new style you've experimented with. I agree with Peggy that it needs working on, but I feel it has substance (without Caps...LOL...), and that something highly original can be developped from what you deem 'amateurish'. Your words, not mine!

As it's extremely late, I'm in no condition to nit right now, but hope to return in the next few days. I have family staying with me!

Many hugs, Syl***

[Siren]

Hello Peggy,

There isn't a word you have said that I dont agree with. I know this style is just too out there and a lot of week points in it but somehow I had to post it to look at what I could do to write the idea perfectly.

I am so grateful for your honest opinion and your pointers. I know this needs a complete rewrite and I will get to it as soon as I can.

BTW... this isn't my style and if you look in the back pages you will see my style.

Thanks again

Dani

[Siren]

Hey Syl honey,

Thank you so much for the positive thoughts on this and yes it does need work and am willing to do it. I am just glad that you think it might flourish into something good.

Hope to see around here again.

hugs
Dani