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Jul 4 10, 17:24
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry
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Behind French doors golden squares of light align upon corners of my paisley quilt. The cat curls across a footstool and an unwound clock guards the candle on the mantle. Outside, eucalyptus and orange trees interlace above the lattice, conversing leaf by leaf in languages of night. Against the pane yellows haunt fading greens, melding into a cluster of pale blossoms. Branches lift arms in a simultaneous stretch toward stars and soil. They remind me of you. How you bend my thoughts into a fringe of shadowy dreams that bridge sky and earth, always before I sleep.
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Jul 4 10, 18:00
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 698
Joined: 29-May 06
From: US East Coast
Member No.: 185
Real Name: Peggy Harwood
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:just wandered in
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Hi,
Welcome to MM. I haven't been here and posted in a while, but when I read your poem in my emails, I just had to comment.
I love the poem!!! You've been writing some time, I'm guessing, to be able to post such a lovely, well-worded, polished and beautiful piece of art. Great job, imho!!!
Peggy
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Jul 5 10, 10:15
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi Peggy,
Wow! thanks so much for the commets, it is nice to meet you.
K
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Jul 6 10, 10:14
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hi Karen
It's good to see you hare again amd read your poetry. This is truly beautiful. Your work seems to get better each time I read it. I really don't see the need to change a thing - but here are my thoughts:Behind French doors golden squares of light align upon corners of my paisley quilt. L2 paints a beautiful picture. My only query was the light aligning on the 'corners' of your quilt. I was thinking it would be the edge of your quilt. Or perhaps it is a quilt in square patches - yes I could see the light aligning on the corner of each patch.The cat curls across a footstool and an unwound clock guards the candle on the mantle. Outside, eucalyptus and orange trees interlace above the lattice, conversing leaf by leaf in languages of night. Against the pane yellows haunt fading greens, melding into a cluster of pale blossoms. Your descriptions here are exquisite - 'conversing in the language of night' - I love this!Branches lift arms in a simultaneous stretch toward stars and soil. At first I thought perhaps trees lifting arms would be better, until I realised that branches have do have arms - branchlets & twigs facing all directions - very clever!They remind me of you. How you bend my thoughts into a fringe of shadowy dreams that bridge sky and earth, always before I sleep. A poignant ending - leaving the reader wondering who you are thinking of. I love the way you brought the title in on last but one line, tying it all nicely together.
I thoroughly enjoyed this - bring on the next! LOL!
Snow
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Jul 7 10, 15:25
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,882
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
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Hi Karen, I've just dropped in for a mo' and was lucky to click on your beautiful posting. Lovely imagery and deftly wound up finale with the title. So unexpected, I like the way you 'led us down the garden path' ..LOL...and then brought in the love topic.
I hope to return for another read, at the moment my only nit would be the (perhaps) too obvious alliteration of 'candle' and 'mantle'....not sure, but it seems to stick out too much.
I'm so glad you've posted again, I love reading your poems and apologize for my infrequent participation here, hope to get back to normal soon.
Hugs, Syl*** PS: I always thought they were called 'French windows', if you mean the kind of doors that have glass all the way down to the bottom. Not important, just a thought...bye!
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Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Jul 9 10, 13:30
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hello Karen, I enjoyed your glimpse into the "Always" - great title for the content of the poem. I made a few notations below for you to take or toss as you wish. One item I wanted to note is that I think you may find it less 'busy' if you applied some line breaks. I was thinking mostly for places where the reader should pause in thought a tad longer - like here: They remind me of you.Here are my comments: [add] {delete} Behind French doors golden squares {of light} align --To personify the sunrays, could they be ‘winking’ or something along those lines?{upon} [the] corners of my paisley quilt. --Are the corners frayed, rough, tattered, worn?The cat curls across --Can you further describe the cat?a footstool and an unwound clock guards the candle on the mantle. Outside, eucalyptus and orange trees --Here I would begin a new stanza.interlace above the lattice, conversing leaf by leaf in languages of night. Against the pane --Love ‘languages of night!yellows haunt fading greens, melding into a cluster of pale blossoms. Branches lift arms in a simultaneous stretch toward stars and soil. --Good use of alliteration in this sentence.They remind me of you. How you bend my thoughts into a fringe of shadowy dreams that bridge sky and earth, always before I sleep. --Lovely image!Enjoyed the read! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jul 18 10, 21:59
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi Eisa,
Thanks so much for the nice critique. I know what you mean about the corners of light...I cant change that easily. I make a lot of this stuff up as I go, so if it isn't sounding "real" it's good to know about it. Sorry I have beenso slow to reply. I have 2 daughters and 2 little grandkids visiting and the place is crazy- and I'm supposed to get the next magazine out by November :-(
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Jul 18 10, 22:01
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi Cleo,
Thanks for the ideas and notes. Very helpful, and I appreciate you taking the time to do that. Good to "see" you again.
K
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Jul 19 10, 17:13
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE (anaisa @ Jul 19 10, 03:59 ) Hi Eisa,
Thanks so much for the nice critique. I know what you mean about the corners of light...I cant change that easily. I make a lot of this stuff up as I go, so if it isn't sounding "real" it's good to know about it. Sorry I have beenso slow to reply. I have 2 daughters and 2 little grandkids visiting and the place is crazy- and I'm supposed to get the next magazine out by November :-( Hi Karen It's good to see you again. I have finished my Fairs for a while so have a bit more time for poetry now. I know what you mean about making stuff up as you go along - it's easy not to think things through. Behind French doors golden squares of light align upon corners of my paisley quilt. This sounds fine, so I'm probably being nit picky. It could be changed to either (depending on your intent.) Behind French doors golden squares of light align upon edges of my paisley quilt. or Behind French doors golden squares of light align upon patches of my paisley quilt. I like the latter version for alliteration. As usual - take or toss! Sounds like you're having a hectic time - nice to see those grandkids though! Snow
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Guest_bombadil1247_*
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Jul 20 10, 05:44
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Guest
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Hi, Karen, bit late to the party, seems like you've already had a lot of good critique offered. Like all before me, I enjoyed the read immensely. I only have one small suggestion for line 12. QUOTE Branches lift arms in a simultaneous stretch toward stars and soil. As it stands, this emphasises the unity of action of the trees - that they all yawn at the same time - and the 'opposing directions' image in l.13 seems like an afterthought, that's not quite right - maybe a by-product then - which I don't think is your intention. If you reword this line slightly to 'Branch arms stretch simultaneously' you can strengthen both images imo. Yours to use or lose, of course, Jim
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Guest_dflore_*
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Jul 23 10, 23:31
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Guest
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overall i like this.really good visuals. i did think it was overwritten and took too long to get the real drama going on which was addressing the person it was written to....one nit branches reaching to stars seems a bit cliche'
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