Autumn's Recess [title revised June 15, 2010], formerly known as After Summer Showers Options

[merle]

I don't really care
if pennies in the air
give me bride of Frankie hair,
or if the wind with OCD
keeps coming back to check on me.

See raindrops bounce on trampolines
of vivid gold and emerald green
and pirate-squirrels get back to work
hiding treasure in the dirt.

But what I like the most
beside the split-rail posts
are flowers bent and bowed
beneath the watchful clouds,
like sinners in a pew-
I find I'm praying too.

* Changed the word 'patchwork' to 'watchful', and added punctuation. Thank you Cleo.

*I could really use some help on this one. I know my form and punctuation are off but not sure how to correct them. And I don't like the word 'patchwork' but all my mind kept coming up with were cliches!

[Larry]

Hi Robin,

You say you can really use some help on this one, huh? First of all, let's find out your meter preference - trimeter, tetra, or penta. Here are a few suggestions to mull over and we can go from there.

I don't really care - I do not really care

if pennies in the air - (good to go) (Referring to "Pennies from Heaven"?)

give me bride of Frankie hair, - give Bride-of-Frankie hair,

or if the wind with OCD - or if the wind, with glee

OCD is a terrible malady to attribute to the wind.

keeps coming back to check on me. - comes back to check on me.

See raindrops bounce on trampolines - Raindrops on trampolines,

of vivid gold and emerald green - bright gold and forest greens

I know it is permissible to rhyme plural with singular but I really dislike that rhyme scheme. Also, are you referring to the color of the raindrops or the trampolines in the line above?

and pirate-squirrels get back to work - and pirate-squirrels regret

hiding treasure in the dirt. - the treasures they forget.

But what I like the most
beside the split-rail posts
are flowers bent and bowed
beneath the patchwork clouds,
likes sinners in a pew
I find I'm praying too.

This last stanza in perfect "trimeter" and the "patchwork", which you don't like, could be replaced with "roiling", "dark'ning", "weeping", "sullen", etc.

I liked the playfulness of your poem and can appreciate the "hair" problem. My wife's hair is naturally curley and any kind of humidity wrecks havoc on both her hair and mood.

Hope some of this helps. If not, take or toss. Also, I hope I haven't offended with my near rewrite of your work.

Larry

[merle]

Hi Larry -

Many thanks for the indepth crit. I'm thinking this one might find a better home in fv than fixed form. There are a few suggestions I can use...Bride-Of-Frankie hair and changing the word 'green' to 'greens'. The wind with OCD is one of those non-negotiable terms. I've never seen it used before and, to me, it perfectly describes how the wind knocks one about after a storm, calms down, and returns again. And the squirrels regretting treasures? Hmmm...I was going for watching them bury nuts in the soft earth after the rain. While I appreciate your suggestions for replacing 'patchwork', I'm looking for a word to describe the retreating clouds AFTER the rain, not before. Thanks again for your help.

[Eisa]

Hi Robin,

I remember writing a poem about summer rain - I really like your original take on this, you have some great ideas.
I feel this only needs a little work to keep it in R&M - though it's your choice if you decide on FV. I'm like that sometimes, start with one and then change to another form where it feels more comfortable.

Personally, I would even out line syllables to 8 to improve the flow. Here is an example just to even out the meter... but use your own words to suit your intent.

Today, I do not really care
if heavenly pennies in the air
give me a bride of Frankie hair,
or if the wind with OCD
keeps coming back to check on me.

L2 I am presuming you are refering to pennies form heaven

I see the connection with OCD and the wind - unique way of seeing this

See raindrops bounce on trampolines
of vivid gold and emerald green
and pirate-squirrels back at work
are hiding treasure in the dirt.

Personally, I'm not too bothered about singular & plural end rhymes. These days it's more accaptable not to comply

I love 'pirate squirrels' - great thought!

But what I really like the most
beside the many split-rail posts
are moistened flowers bent and bowed
beneath a tapestry of clouds,
like sinners kneeling in a pew
I find that I am praying too.

I think perhaps tapestry might fit better than patchwork.

A very spiritual ending - refreshing as the rain

Snow

[merle]

Hi Snow -

Thank you so very much, you've given me some great examples on wording and how to smooth this out. Much to digest, will return shortly...

Robin

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Hi Robin, I liked this a lot, not that the wind gives me much trouble with my hair...lol. I especially like the last stanza, it could almost be a poem in and of itself.

But what I really like the most
beside the many split-rail posts
are moistened flowers bent and bowed
beneath a tapestry of clouds,
like sinners kneeling in a pew I would like to see sinners changed to people, not everyone who kneels to pray is a sinner.
I find that I am praying too.

I hope that all is well
Take care
Steve

PS Pirate Squirrels? Are there moles that are abbots, and mice that sword fight with foxes? Or blacksmith badgers?
A little Redwall is always fun.

[anaisa]

I don't really care
if pennies in the air
give me bride of Frankie hair,
or if the wind with OCD
keeps coming back to check on me.

See raindrops bounce on trampolines
of vivid gold and emerald green
and pirate-squirrels get back to work
hiding treasure in the dirt.

But what I like the most
beside the split-rail posts
are flowers bent and bowed
beneath the patchwork clouds,
likes sinners in a pew
I find I'm praying too.

*I could really use some help on this one. I know my form and punctuation are off but not sure how to correct them. And I don't like the word 'patchwork' but all my mind kept coming up with were cliches!

Hi merle,

I think this is a cute poem! I have to agree with Steve
about the sinner thing...you are comparing bent flowers with sinners in a pew,
and "people" in a pew sounds more poetic. You have "likes" instead of like in that line.
You ending is good- loved it.

K

[merle]

Hi Steve & Karen -

Thank you so much for the suggestions. And yes, I didn't take into consideration that most folks believe sinners are people who commit terrible acts and not the everyday little white lies and such. I agree, the word 'people' would be more widely accepted. And Karen...sharp eyes! I'll correct that at once before I forget. Thank you.

Robin

[Daniel Barlow]

I don't really care
if pennies in the air
give me bride of Frankie hair,
or if the wind with OCD
keeps coming back to check on me.


I don't know if the threepeat of A rhyme (care/air/hair) is a great start, i sort of shuddered because this is a start that could put off many a reader, because it often signals that the remaining however many lines that are written by however many writers, will be no good.

the next two lines are better, but i think you can approach being whimsical in a different way with this strophe and still achieve the same thing. In other words, yes, rethink the first three lines.

See raindrops bounce on trampolines
of vivid gold and emerald green
and pirate-squirrels get back to work
hiding treasure in the dirt.

I like this strophe and the pastoral feel it has. I think it might be stronger to say squirrel's pirate in the dirt what nature...... but that would require a rework of the work line.

But what I like the most
beside the split-rail posts
are flowers bent and bowed
beneath the patchwork clouds,
like sinners in a pew
I find I'm praying too.

I like this section, the change in rhythm in the first line is a nice turn/volta where the poem gets a bit serious.

from my understanding if you through in two commas like this:

But what I like the most,
beside the split-rail posts,
are flowers bent and bowed

then what you enable yourself to say is that you like flowers bent and bowed, the bit in the middle just becomes detail. nice detail. I don't see a need to move this to the freeverse forum, i think you could manage a very lovely and surprising poem here, it just needs a little work.

in place of patchwork. you could try lighted, which indicates the sun and luminance etc. there are lots of options.

db

[Larry]

Hi again Robin,

I see you haven't started to edit your poem yet so I thought I'd come back with a few words which might better describe what you were looking for as substitutes for:

"patchwork"

I'm looking for a word to describe the retreating clouds AFTER the rain, not before.

Maybe: dispersing, diffused, dissipating

I know you said OCD was a "non-negotiable term" but here are a few words which are as descriptive:

fickle, capricious, frivolous

Please leave this poem in this forum. To relegate it to the FV section would seem like giving up.

Thanks again for sharing this lovely picture of springtime rains.

Larry

[merle]

Hi Daniel -

I've been trying to rework this poem for the past few days without success. After reading your comments, I believe I'm going to tear this one down to its foundation (the last stanza) and rebuild it, keep a few ideas and tossing the rest. Thank you.

Robin

[Alan]

Dear Robin,

Please don't toss so much really good stuff ! I wonder if so much advice has sent you away thinking it all is no good. IF you feel GOOD about that, fine, but if you don't, then REJECT the "down-putting" advice.

YOU are the poet, and the poem HAS to remain yours. What you have here is so nearly right, a little gem in need of minimal polishing, and clearing away the clotths and pastes we all used to achieve that.

Love
Alan

[merle]

Hi Larry -

On the contrary, I've been editing like mad but nothing worth posting has presented itself. I'm in the process of taking this one apart and starting over. And yes, that includes OCD, I'm no longer keeping it hostage. lol I do like the words you've given me for the clouds, much better than what I've thought up so far. I'll keep working on this one. Thank you for coming back.

Robin

[Kimi]

Robin, don't throw this away. I can't help much in skills lol, but every part of this touched me in one way or another. The wind is my nemesis, I love to watch the squirrels digging their little holes for the stash they found. Flowers are my favorite, if you watch them close enough they will give out secrets. Your last stanza is amazing. In fact the entire meaning of this poem facinates me. You seem to write with such ease.
Ok I will jump down from my soap box.
Loved it and lived it
hugs
kimi

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Robin, Sometimes all it takes is time, put this away for a while then come back to it and you might be amazzed at what jumps off the page at you, I have had to do it to myself many times. Then again if it still doesn't do what you hoped then you can tear it to pieces and restart.

Take Care
Steve

[merle]

Kimi -

Thank you for your support of this very wobbly poem. I don't plan on discarding everything, just a little modification here and there. Thanks again.

Steve -

You read my mind...stop it! lol I can't dwell on a poem for too long when it's not working, it turns into a mess. This one will have to rest awhile and be revisited at a later date. Thanks.

Robin

[heartsong7]

Hi Merle,
I like this a lot... it has a lovely lilt.
I think the near rhymes and varied meter add to the charm.
In fact, I see nothing I would change.

I don't really care
if pennies in the air
give me bride of Frankie hair,
or if the wind with OCD
keeps coming back to check on me.

See raindrops bounce on trampolines
of vivid gold and emerald green
and pirate-squirrels get back to work
hiding treasure in the dirt.

But what I like the most
beside the split-rail posts
are flowers bent and bowed
beneath the patchwork clouds,
like sinners in a pew
I find I'm praying too.

fav bits for me are the OCD wind,
pirate squirrels (priceless imagery!)
raindrops on trampolines,
patchwork clouds
and please do keep the "sinners" in a pew.
There are no humans who are not sinners.
Enjoyed,
Sue

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Robin - I really enjoyed the simple, easy rhythms in this poem, and the imagery you present.

But what I like the most
beside the split-rail posts
are flowers bent and bowed
beneath the patchwork clouds,
like sinners in a pew
I find I'm praying too.

You mention not being keen on 'patchwork' - why is that? Are you looking for a color to interject into our images there, or perhaps a time of day - reflected clouds -/ nimbus clouds / whispy / encircling / watchful / ... something further to think on so we know what image you are trying to portray.

I'm thinking on the punctuation after 'pew' and wonder if perhaps an emdash or two would work to make us pause a bit longer before reading the closing line?

Anywho - enjoyed the read!
~Cleo

[merle]

Hi Cleo -

Thank you for peeking in on this one. Ah, yes, that word 'patchwork', not my favorite. I was trying to bring the tone of playfulness down to a more serious level. I really like the word 'watchful' and agree with you on the punctuation. I'm off to edit...

Robin

[Cleo_Serapis]

Robin!

~Cleo