Wreathed in Realization, Sonnet - tweaked, thanks Larry! Options

[Eisa]

This is a revision/rewrite of an old poem which can be found at this link

I have reworked it as I felt it was a bit telly and have chosen a metaphor to try & show a bit more. I hope it works.
I am also looking for a possible new title.

Rewrite/revision 28th April 2010
A few tweaks May 4th - thank you Larry




Wreathed in Realization

Vermilion roses rest in ivory
carnations, tenderly entwined with grief.
I place this meagre gift in memory
of you - my stalwart. Stunned with disbelief,
foundations fold. I struggle to compose
internal tremors, close outpouring eyes
and kneel on turf that blankets your repose.
Despair subsides because I realise
you’ve not abandoned me, but still uphold
collapsing structures like a cornerstone.
Your presence tarries, sturdy walls enfold
my emptiness. Although I came alone,
your solace wreathes me, while we walk away
together – leaving only this bouquet.



Tweaked line was -
and kneel upon the turf where you repose.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Realization (original)

White dahlias trimmed by crimson roses, swathed
with silken ribbons, tied with love and grief;
I place this meagre gift for you and bathe
in memories. I nurse my disbelief
that we’ve been parted. Coming here was bound
to shake emotions. Now I realize
you’ve not abandoned me, your love surrounds
me every moment. When a loved one dies,
only their shell is shrouded by the soil
enveloped by commemorative stones.
Your presence lingers on to help me toil
through stressful times. Although I came alone,
your solace wreathes me, while we walk away
together – leaving only this bouquet.

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Eisa, a very poignant piece, that feeling of aloneness until you realize that the loved one is still with you in your heart. As for another name... Love Never leaves.
Great piece for revision.

Steve

[Eisa]

Eisa, a very poignant piece, that feeling of aloneness until you realize that the loved one is still with you in your heart. As for another name... Love Never leaves.
Great piece for revision.

Steve

Hi Steve - it is good to see you!

Thanks for commenting here - this was inspired after my father died when I took some flowers to his grave. I dreaded the visit as I felt so alone, but soon realised that my Dad will always be with me in spirit. It was very comforting.

I like your suggestion for a title - but I'll wait to see what other suggestions I'll receive.

Hugs
Snow

[Larry]

Hi Snow,

I've been meaning to get back to this for a few days but things have become so busy since I retired. Where does the time go? I have a few TOT nits; nothing extensive - a word here and there which might alliviate confusion on this readers part.

Vermilion roses rest by ivory (sub "in" for "by") reads like two seperate bouquets.
carnations, tenderly entwined with grief.
I place this meagre gift in memory (nothing meagre about Vermilion roses - maybe "floral" in its place.)
of you - my stalwart. Stunned with disbelief(comma or semi-colon here - not sure which works best)
foundations fold. I struggle to compose
internal tremors, close outpouring eyes
and kneel upon the turf where you repose. (and kneel on turf which blankets your repose.)
Despair subsides because I realise
you’ve not abandoned me but still uphold
collapsing structures, like a cornerstone.
Your presence tarries, sturdy walls enfold
my emptiness. Although I came alone,
your solace wreathes me, while we walk away
together – leaving only this bouquet.

This is a beautiful tribute to the memory of your dad. Title suggestion: Eulogy's Epilogue

Larry

[Eisa]

Hi Larry

Thanks for peeping in here - yes what happens to time? As I grow older I seem to be busier than ever, even though I have no children left at home. Life seems so full, somehow. Perhaps it's just that I do everything more slowly! LOL!

Your thoughts have been most helpful.

L1 - it was a toss between 'in' 'with' or 'by'. I am so glad you came in here as it's helped me make up my mind.

'meagre gift' - I think what I was trying to say, in my original, was that a bouquet seems such a small gift compared to what I would like to give. Perhaps meagre is not the right word. I'll think on this.

'and kneel on turf which blankets your repose.' Yes, I really like that!

I like your suggestion for the title too, but will wait & see if I get any other suggestions.

Thank you so much!
Snow

[heartsong7]

Hi Snow,
The first version is nice but as you say a little on the telly side.
The rewrite is exquisite.
I was especially taken with this:
"Although I came alone,
your solace wreathes me, while we walk away
together – leaving only this bouquet."
Very well done.
Sue

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Snow,

FABULOUS - pulls at one's heartstrings! Even though my eyes tear up with this type of imagery and form of expression (done very well I must say), it is profound and I truly enjoy those works that move me to tears (I know I'm strange). Like Sue, I really find the ending to be so profoundly memorable - don't change a thing, including your title!

Well done - enjoyed the read,
~Cleo

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Eira, on this my fifth or sixth read of this I think maybe you should just change the line as Larry suggested and leave the rest alone, including the title. As Lori said I too enjoy these that make me cry, must be something in the human condition...I think that I will nom this for the IBPC is how much I have come to like this. I hope that all my daughters will remember me thusly.

Take care
Steve

[Daniel Barlow]

I particularly liked the passage sue picked out. And yes, this is better than the original.

One thing I'd say (and hahahahahahahahaha I haven't been able to write for a few months now)
is that I want to read what I can't write, and I think you have it in parts here. I guess I want the metaphors to serve the spirit
and not go in place of it, and I think this is less immediate than it could be.

'I think I should have loved you presently,
and given in earnest....

a ghost in marble of a girl you knew,
who might have loved you in a week or two.'

and all the in-between, but there are rhythms there, quickening, measuring, mapping, unfolding, and the sum of it is something quite unforgettable, and so I reckon there's more here too.

db

[Eisa]

Hi Snow,
The first version is nice but as you say a little on the telly side.
The rewrite is exquisite.
I was especially taken with this:
"Although I came alone,
your solace wreathes me, while we walk away
together – leaving only this bouquet."
Very well done.
Sue

Thanks Sue

It's great to have you comment on my work again.

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Snow,

FABULOUS - pulls at one's heartstrings! Even though my eyes tear up with this type of imagery and form of expression (done very well I must say), it is profound and I truly enjoy those works that move me to tears (I know I'm strange). Like Sue, I really find the ending to be so profoundly memorable - don't change a thing, including your title!

Well done - enjoyed the read,
~Cleo

You're not strange, Lori (unless I am too) I think many people like being moved to tears by poetry.

Glad you've given this the thumbs up. I was thinking of 'Comfort Thoughts' for the title - but perhaps I'll stick with the original.

Snow

[Eisa]

Eira, on this my fifth or sixth read of this I think maybe you should just change the line as Larry suggested and leave the rest alone, including the title. As Lori said I too enjoy these that make me cry, must be something in the human condition...I think that I will nom this for the IBPC is how much I have come to like this. I hope that all my daughters will remember me thusly.

Take care
Steve

Thank you so much for the nomination, Steve.

Yes, I think most folk like to shed a tear now and then when reading poetry.

I am sure your daughters will remember you just like I've written in this poem

Hope you are doing well, Steve.

Snow

[Eisa]

I particularly liked the passage sue picked out. And yes, this is better than the original.

One thing I'd say (and hahahahahahahahaha I haven't been able to write for a few months now)
is that I want to read what I can't write, and I think you have it in parts here. I guess I want the metaphors to serve the spirit
and not go in place of it, and I think this is less immediate than it could be.

'I think I should have loved you presently,
and given in earnest....

a ghost in marble of a girl you knew,
who might have loved you in a week or two.'

and all the in-between, but there are rhythms there, quickening, measuring, mapping, unfolding, and the sum of it is something quite unforgettable, and so I reckon there's more here too.

db

Hi Daniel

I'm glad to see you here again.

You say 'I want to read what I can't write'

... well I really don't know if I'm capable of that! LOL!

I'm quite hapy with this for the present, but I daresay I'll be back for a tweak at some point. (you know me!)

Snow

[Arnfinn]

Whooee, Snow.

Tremendous effort here.

I'm not going to venture into the ins and outs of the poetry form.

Vermilion roses rest in ivory
carnations, tenderly entwined with grief.
I place this meagre gift in memory
of you - my stalwart. Stunned with disbelief,
foundations fold. I struggle to compose
internal tremors, close outpouring eyes
and kneel on turf that blankets your repose.
Despair subsides because I realise
you’ve not abandoned me but still uphold
collapsing structures, like a cornerstone.
Your presence tarries, sturdy walls enfold
my emptiness. Although I came alone,
your solace wreathes me, while we walk away
together – leaving only this bouquet.


The last couplet and a half sets up a good finish; ( solace wreathes me): we walk away together leaving the past behind.


Hand in hand I hope.

John

Arnie theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Last of horned Norse Buckineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeers.

Love me Mo. Love Snow