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Senryu, Japanese form: 5-7-5 or less |
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Oct 26 04, 22:35
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 18,578
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From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hey, Snow! Great to have you drop in to learn along with us.
I think this is an excellent pair of senryu, substantially. I only see an extra syllable and an unnecessary use of the passive voice. As you suggested yourself elsewhere, you may punctuate differently too.
Here's a possible:
disability: first appearances deceive; look beyond the shell
peel (the) layers away; search deep inside the kernel
(-) to find the essence (is found.) Whatcha think, Snow? ... and Grace?
sharin' a bit o' Light, Daniel
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Oct 27 04, 00:47
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Good morning Daniel,
QUOTE alcoholic home; dad trips over son’s toy pail, then kicks the bucket
Three emotions in two thoughts! dread, comic revenge, dead!!!
This one really stirs the emotions doesn't it? Fascinating Daniel.
our favourite walk; long autumn shadows but where is yours ?
Love
Grace
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Oct 27 04, 05:21
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 18,578
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE our favourite walk; long autumn shadows but where is yours ? Now that is a fascinating one, Grace! Methinks you're talking with your husband today? This is a heart-stopper, my friend. I quietly applaud. If I'm correct in my assumption, with some adjustments you could transform this into the first katauta of a mondo... and reply with comforting words from your memory of your beloved. Whatcha think? Whatever you do, this is a keeper! chilly fall mourning tracing buildings through a fog; London derrière© MLee Dickens'son 27 Oct 2004Now, as to Snow's piece... since when do you have no independent opinion?! And when did this become a melee?! Ain't nobody here tryin' to decapitate the pride o' no soldiers battlin' it out! We's jest larnin' together, m'Lady! melee-mouthed
no battle royal, no plumage to de-helmet; just chicken feathers© MLee Dickens'son 27 Oct 2004P.S. Pardon me faux-ku; if'n ya decapitates it, ya gets a senryu!sLightly cheekily with tongue firmly implanted therein, Daniel
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Oct 27 04, 08:15
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Hello Daniel,
QUOTE Now that is a fascinating one, Grace! Methinks you're talking with your husband today? This is a heart-stopper, my friend. I quietly applaud.
If I'm correct in my assumption, with some adjustments you could transform this into the first katauta of a mondo... and reply with comforting words froom your memory of your beloved. Whatcha think? Whatever you do, this is a keeper
A very good idea Daniel. Will do that. Yes, I talk to him all the time, just as if he were here, and generally I feel that he is ~ but occasionally I think he goes walkabout, and I suddenly feel bereft. Then, at my lowest I feel a sudden warmth and know that he has returned to me.
QUOTE chilly fall mourning tracing buildings through a fog; London derrière
A very rare occurrence now since the smokeless fuel law was introduced years ago Daniel. We called it smog (smoke and fog).
QUOTE Now, as to Snow's piece... since when do you have no independent opinion?! And when did this become a melee?! Ain't nobody here tryin' to decapitate the pride o' no soldiers battlin' it out! We's jest larnin' together, m'Lady!
Just thought I would let Eisa digest your suggestions first yankee doodle pal of mine
Love
Grace
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Oct 27 04, 08:43
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 18,578
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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I know, Grace. Just practicin' with my epee on ya!
... and did you not see the allusion to "Londonderry Air" Do I have to write about the London Dairy air to get your attention? ... or were you just snubbing your Brit nose at this Yankee's thoughts? :read:
splashing at the air epeeing tirelessly; stress relieved
streaming away Lightly, Daniel :sun:
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Oct 27 04, 09:20
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
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From: Somerset, England
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Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Ha Ha Daniel,
QUOTE ... and did you not see the allusion to "Londonderry Air" Do I have to write about the London Dairy air to get your attention? ... or were you just snubbing your Brit nose at this Yankee's thoughts?
Now would I do a thing like that my friend. No I was only thinking of the backside of London, which I am always very glad to see when returning to the glories of Somerset. I missed the Londonderry air. one of my favourite songs too!! How remiss of me.
QUOTE splashing at the air epeeing tirelessly; stress relieved
This, on the other hand is not quite as subtle I feel.
Here is another one for you to get you teeth into Daniel.
nuns after mass; clustered together, heads bowed critiquing the sermon
Love
Grace
P.S Am just going to post the solo/mondo as suggested.
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Oct 27 04, 09:29
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Here you are Daniel,
Have fun!
first frosty morning; I find long-lost sunglasses where are my gloves?
Love
Grace
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Oct 27 04, 11:12
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 18,578
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE nuns after mass; clustered together, heads bowed critiquing the sermon Now that is one to chew on a bit!
none is so cloistered that she'd not turn on frier; grit battered chicken
QUOTE first frosty morning; I find long-lost sunglasses where are my gloves?
hmmmm
secretly dipped gloves in fat to smear sunglasses; finger-lickin' gooed
sLightly blurry, Daniel
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Oct 28 04, 01:55
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 18,578
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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So good to see you thinkin' and feelin' in here along with us, Snow! deLightful Snowfall drifting wherever she may; sparkles for dawning Now, as to your struggles with punctuation... and your thought-provoking piece... QUOTE my favourite walk: by a stream beneath the trees; sit to contemplate contemplate a stream interrupted by beavers; dammed punctuationsharin' deLight, Daniel
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Oct 28 04, 02:37
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Good Morning Eisa,
QUOTE my favourite walk: by a stream beneath the trees; sit to contemplate
Oh that punctruation Eisa, don't I know about that?? NO !! No, but seriously, I have gradually learned that serious haiku writers don't bother with punctuation these days relying on the wording to indicate the break between two separate thoughts.
Having said that, I am still so new to this that I don't always have the confidence to leave out at least a semi-colon.
As Daniel says, Haiku should be written so that the whole thing can be read aloud in one breath.
If like me, while learning you need the prop of a semi-colon, make sure that it separates your two dis-similar, but linked thoughts. So your lovely piece would read.
QUOTE my favourite walk by a stream beneath the trees; sit to contemplate
The only other point I would make Eisa, is that the picture you present should ALWAYS be in the present and leave something for the reader to work out. For your last line therefore, how about...
my favourite walk by a stream beneath the trees; deep reflection
This last line now conveys your mood as well as linking itself to the stream.
Just a thought, Chuck or choose.
Daniel's reply of course is brilliant. Not only does his wit put a smile on your face, it also encourages you to keep writing.
Love
Grace
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Oct 28 04, 03:29
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 18,578
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hey, y'all... This is poor, but my mind is drifting back to bed. I'd fallen asleep in the living room, woke up to take meds and go to bed, and now they're kicking in... clear Caribbean on sea bed in diving bell; deep reflection nighters! - Daniel
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Oct 28 04, 03:43
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Oct 28 04, 07:35
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 18,578
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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did Jamaica cake to send off your holiday? belles still knead to wring!
... darn, and I can't even swim the length of a pool! I'd have to have my grandsons' swimmies or a life jacket to join ya!
now...
dive into another before you fly off!
deLightingly, Daniel :sun:
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Oct 29 04, 03:37
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Oct 29 04, 05:31
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 18,578
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE new neighbour superglued to a power tool buy new ear plugs on house and garage implant surround sound speakers; scare with raceway tapes
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Oct 29 04, 09:04
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Hi Daniel,
on house and garage implant surround sound speakers; scare with raceway tapes
Can you enlighten me? What are raceway tapes?
rousing 1812 wearing my marigold gloves conducting the bells
Love
Grace
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Oct 29 04, 14:49
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 18,578
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Raceway tapes would be sounds from a race track: racing cars or motorcycles... as though they were flying through the space between your property and your neighbor's. That ought bring him out to see who's disturbin' his power toolin'!
I'll be back to comment on your SUPERB senryu, Grace...
we're off to see Ray
deLightingly, Daniel
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