Critiquer of the Month for March Nominations, now through Apr 5th Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Calling all writers of the Mosaic!

The time has come to nominate a member who you feel best demonstrated the CRITIQUE in MARCH.



Nominate a member here by replying to this tile.

The award:
*Laurel Wreath

*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs

The details:

• Choose at least TWO posts critiqued by the member you'd like to nominate from the month of MARCH. *You can do this by utilizing our 'sort by topic started' OR last post date' and 'descending sort' functions located at the bottom of each forum's page display and then look to make sure the critiques were posted in March as well.
• Post the two examples in this thread.
• Post only the CRITIQUES.
• Make sure your example critiques are from the month of MARCH.
• State the tile's name, author and forum the critique was replied to.
• Eligible forums:
  Herme's Homilies and Seren's Synapse for poetry COM nominations
  Stonehenge and Loch Ness for Prose COM nominations

Nominations will be taken through April 5th, 2007.

Additional note: If more than one member is nominated for the COM award, this tile will serve as a balloting process. We will create a POLL and the members will vote the winner.

Good luck all!
Thank you for helping to build the Mosaic!

~ Mosaic Musings Staff

[Cleo_Serapis]

OK - the first critique by Snow is found in Seren's Synapse in AMETHYST's tile: Ambidextrous

Hi Liz,

This is a poem I think most can relate to as it is so difficult at time to write about out inner thoughts being easier to keep to the surface.

A few thoughts ~

Ambidextrous

I write

with my right hand,
precise...definite...artfully methodical
penmanship; ink that weaves itself,
as silk threads against a virgin leaf.

To my mind precise and definite are very close in meaning and this would flow better with just one.

I write

with my right hand,
precise, with artfully methodical
penmanship; ink weaves itself,
as silk threads against a virgin leaf.

Lovely descriptions in last2 lines

And yet, what I write
feels wrong. Neatly drawn words
fence in the honesty, like horses
confined in orderly corrals,
keeping secrets locked, withering
as dying seeds, settling
in the unconscious. Creating
poetry void of passion; barren,
like desert sun-tinged sands
dry and lifeless.

I love your thinking in this stanza – I’m sure we all relate!

Your last sentence is a fragment and might read better

…………………….Creating
poetry void of passion is barren,
like desert sun-tinged sands
dry and lifeless.

I feel an overdose of sameness here

Barren/ desert/ sun-tinged sands/ dry/ lifeless

All tell me the same in a different way. I feel you need to bring some freshness to this.

But I've been using my left hand-
speaking out loud, truths
that never dared to dance from my lips.
[of] prowling with promises; secrets
emerge, purging my past of decadent
pleasures, and sordid schemes,
seeping through crevices
of unseen touches that haunt
in restless sleep.
Poetry surges, passionately
across the pages-
unfortunately the words
are much too sloppy to be read.

Never dared to dance from lips – love it!

I really like how you’ve contrasted the metaphors of right and left hands

Poetry surges across the pages – great line!

At first read I felt ‘sloppy’ was a bit sloppy for this poem, (he he!!) but then became aware you were probably using it for the dual meaning

Sloppy ~ meaning careless

Sloppy ~ meaning slushy,emotional.

I will come back again, but these are my initial thoughts.

A very original piece.

Hugs Snow

and the second is also from Seren's Synapse: Orion's poem, Sherry's Laughter:

Hi Orion

This is a very sad subject, I hope it is not personally true for you.

I think I would trim back all unnecessary words here for greater impact. I'll take the liberty of trimming what I feel necessary.



Sherry's laughter is contagious.
[Any] My negative thoughts [that I have] are outrageous.

She laughs when she says her chemo's over for now.
[She laughs] and when she tells [of how] she really feels okay.
Today at the outdoor picnic, a ninety-five degrees day,
she says that wig sure is hot when the sun's bearing down.
Look at her. Listen to that laugh. Look at that grin.
On her face there is happiness--[the laughter-there it goes again.]
She's grateful to be here-happy to share the day that she's in.

Sherry's laughter is contagious.
[Any] My negative thoughts [that I have] are outrageous.

I think perhaps a change in line breaks might emphasise certin thoughts too.


Sherry's laughter is contagious.
My negative thoughts are outrageous.

She laughs when she tells her chemo's over
and says she really feels okay.
Today at the outdoor picnic,
a ninety-five degrees day,
she says that wig sure is hot
when the sun's bearing down.
Look at her.
Listen to that laugh.
Look at that grin.
On her face there is happiness--
She's grateful to be here-
happy to share the day she's in.

Sherry's laughter is contagious.
My negative thoughts are outrageous.


As I said -- I hope this is not true to someone you love.

Snow