The Silent Universe (Revised), Rethinking My Silly Philosophies Options

[jeannefiedler]

I can't believe that
people still think about these
things. With all the problems
on this earth,
why do we need to worry
about other planets?
The universe is part
of me, where I'd like
to be, to enlarge my
mind and to meet the Divine
to help people find themselves
in this lost world, we're lost in
space, we need to just join
it to be loving, productive
and most of all, happy.
We need to find
our place in it, cocreaters
of each other and our
creations...life does
not need to be unhappy
the universe is abundant...
everyone knows these
things, but do we really
get out there and give
to people in pain and suffering
or are we just self-absorbed
with all the material, practical
problems...
I think we all need to be
nurtured a little...
A little postive reinforcement,
could give us some get up
and go, negativity is so
useless, but we all like
to criticize everything,
I know I do,
I'm going to focus on
the positive things people
do, we must stand
together as writers
in doing this,
we're all in misery
right now, let's
give out out out
and then we can
see our acts of
kindness rewarded,
Thank you, God,
Thank you, Universe
Thank you, fellow artists
For giving me all that
I need...
I hope I didn't bore
you with my common
philosphies, but I just
had to slow down and
catch my breath...

[Eisa]

Hi Jeanne

Welcome to MM!

I haven't had chance to comment on your original poem. Perhaps I should mention that we usually keep a revised version in the same thread as the original so members can compare the two and see what improvements have been made in revision.

I've had a quick look at both versions and have to say I prefer the original, which is more concise and has stanza breaks. Your revision is a bit long to concentrate on with no breaks. Might just be me - we'll see what others think.

Snow

[Psyche]

Hi Jeanne!

Welcome to MM!! I didn't get to see the original of this one, what a pity you removed it. I love to compare.

Interesting thoughts you've expressed. I just think you could perhaps tighten up the lines a bit, as it's rather long in the present format.

Yes, it's time to emphasize the positive things in life.

Congrats,
Psyche (Sylvia)

[Thoth]

Hello Jeanne.

Just a couple of typos;

cocreaters [co-creators]
postive [positive]
philosphies [philosophies]

Yes, it is very hectic and no its never boring or a waste of time to write down your thoughts. Someday perhaps we shall have the wisdom to place them in order and understand the relationships between each. I wish I had written down mine when I was young - life has a nasty tendency to change ones outlook and enthusiasm.

Thanks for sharing

Hugz,

Wally

[Alan]

Dear Jeanne,

My goodness, we seem to have frightened you off.

Our bark is far worse than out bite, I promise you. Perhaps you could comment on the responses your poem has had ?

Love
Alan