Mike, I liked this, but if you want help from people here you have to post this in a critique forum for this you would use Hermes. I also thought Pantoums had to use the lines as they came in order? So that in the last stanza, line 2 and 4 should be reversed to reflect the same line in the first stanza? Steve
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 64
Joined: 2-April 09
From: Beautiful Brooklyn NY
Member No.: 773
Real Name: Michael Pollack
Writer of: Poetry
Thanks much for reading and commenting Steve. I may post it in the critique forum. See below for Pantoum (what an exotic name for a verse form) description.
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
Hi Mike,
What a lovely vision of nature!
I am particularly fond of this image:
the young will father future deeds the old will soar and touch the sky
I've enjoyed your personification throughout.
Cheers, ~Cleo
··············
"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.
"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!
"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.
Hello Mike I am still checking out these poetry forms. I'm not sure my brain would cope with writing a pantoum, but I am more than happy to read yours.
these two lines are simply delicious:
refreshed again life's liquid womb now bud and bloom and spread the seeds
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,250
Joined: 2-August 03
From: USA
Member No.: 7
Writer of: Poetry
Hi Mike,
This is beautifully written and a wonderful representation of beauty in nature! A pantoum is not an easy poem to write, but you have made it seem effortless!
I think you did a masterful job in keeping a wonderful flow, while the "small streams and brooklets drink their fill!"
A refreshing expression, duality weeping of birth and reparation! (for me)
Lindi
··············
"Imagination is more important than knowledge and encircles the world" Albert Einstein
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 2,085
Joined: 24-May 04
From: Time, Immoral
Member No.: 66
Writer of: Poetry
Hello Mike B, I see this hearkens back to April, so I dunno if you're still looking. You mention it's your "one and only" pantoum. You should have a bushel! I haven't written them for more than a year, but there was I time I had a lot of fun with 'em. I found they took me into a direction of their own, not necessarily of my creation. They needed to be wrestled back to where I wanted to head.