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Reaching Through, was (Weak) |
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Feb 22 04, 03:32
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,547
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia
Member No.: 13
Real Name: Daniah
Writer of: Poetry
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Complete Rewrite and another title change
Reaching Through
A filmy barrier expands within my core, its fingers lacing together, enfolding a melange of emotions.
Immobilized by exhaustion, I ghost through daily routines as empty smiles tease numb lips, and my body recoils from undesired hugs.
I must breathe... live... react!
Vibrant tunes don't filter through the thickening mist, and laughter turns into a monotonous drum.
I struggle to pave a way through this clouded partition. Paralyzed, my attempts lie in failed heaps at my feet.
I can't breathe... live... react!
Revision 2, plus title change
Battling Depression
A filmy barrier enfolds a kaleidoscope of emotions, its cool fingers lacing, growing roots within my core.
Once roaring currents are now still,, drained, immobilized by exhaustion. I ghost through daily routines as empty smiles tease numb lips, and my body shudders from undesired hugs.
I must breathe... live... react!
Vibrant tunes filter through my surroundings as laughter licks at rising inner walls, turning into a monotonous drum upon contact.
Reaching out through solitude's devouring quicksand, I force diluted knuckles to knock heavily at passions' gate; Paralyzed, my attempts lie in failed heaps at my feet.
I can't breathe... live... react!
Revision A filmy barrier folds around a kaleidoscope of emotions, its cool fingers lacing through the warmth, growing roots within the core of my humanity.
Once roaring currents are now still, immobilized by exhaustion. Drained, I ghost through daily routines as empty smiles tease numb lips, and body shakes from undesired hugs.
I must breathe... live... react! my conscience screams.
Vibrant tunes filter through my surroundings and laughter licks at rising inner walls, both turning into a monotonous drum upon contact.
Reaching out through solitude's devouring quicksand, I force weak knuckles to knock frantically at embosomed passions; Paralyzed, my desperate attempts lie in failed heaps at my feet.
Weak with despair, I silently chant : I can't breathe... live... react!
Original A misty barrier folds around kaliedoscope of emotions. Its cool fingers lacing through the warmth, growing roots within the core of my humanity.
Once roaring currents now lie still, immobilized by exhaustion. Drained, I ghost through daily routines as empty smiles tease numb lips, and body shakes from unwanted hugs.
I must breathe... live... react! screams my conscience.
Vibrant tunes filter through my surroundings, and laughter licks at rising inner walls, both turning into a monotonous drum upon contact.
I reach out through the devouring quicksand of solitude, force weak knuckles to frantically knock upon embosomed passions. Paralyzed, desperate attempts lie in failed heaps at my feet. Weak with despair,
I silently chant, I can't breathe... live... react!
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Feb 22 04, 03:55
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 427
Joined: 5-August 03
From: Oregon, USA
Member No.: 8
Real Name: Dolly
Writer of: Poetry
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Oh Myyyy Daniah,
My heart cries for you ... or if you're not the who this poem is about, then for the one who is. Dani, you put words together in such a way that reaches out and touches the senses of the reader, who in turn, cannot help but become emotionally involved, if just for a little while, with the magic of your poetry.
I only have a couple suggestions as this is so perfect!
QUOTE(Siren @ Feb. 22 2004, 00:32) A misty barrier folds around kaliedoscope of emotions. Its cool fingers lacing through the warmth, growing roots within the core of my humanity.
Once roaring currents now lie still, immobilized by exhaustion. Drained, I ghost through daily routines as empty smiles tease numb lips, and body shakes from unwanted hugs.
What about moving "drained" to the next line? You may wind up making this stanza 5 lines. Using "ghost" as verb here is very visual! Nice! The comma in last line unnecessary.
I must breathe... live... react! screams my conscience.
So graphic! I feel these words through and through!
Vibrant tunes filter through my surroundings, and laughter licks at rising inner walls, both turning into a monotonous drum upon contact.
Not sure I understand this one ...? Which "both" does the line refer to?
I reach out through the devouring quicksand of solitude, force weak knuckles to frantically knock upon embosomed passions. Paralyzed, desperate attempts lie in failed heaps at my feet. Weak with despair,
Wowwww marvelous stanza! I believe "lie" should be "lays".
I silently chant, I can't breathe... live... react!
Wonderful imagery throughout, leaving me weak, too .... but, inspired; thank you.
Blessings,
Dolly
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Guest__*
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Feb 22 04, 06:23
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Guest
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Dear Dani
Well, well, as always, this is very good. I have a few offerings :
A misty barrier folds around a* kalEI*doscope of emotions,* comma not dot its cool fingers lacing through the warmth, growing roots *in the core of my humanity. -- or "within my humanitiy's core" ?
Once roaring currents are* now *still, immobilized by exhaustion. *Drained, I ghost through daily routines * as empty smiles tease numb lips;* the body shakes from unwanted hugs. -- rearrange the lines ? undesired is stronger ?
I must breathe... live... react! screams my conscience. -- my conscience screams ?
Vibrant tunes filter through my surroundings* no comma and laughter licks at rising inner walls, both turning into a monotonous drum *on contact. -- drumming ?
I reach out through the devouring quicksand of solitude, force weak knuckles to frantically knock upon embosomed passions. Paralyzed, desperate attempts lie in failed heaps at my feet. Weak with despair,
I silently chant, I can't breathe... live... react!
2nd-last verse - I feel needs tightening up :
Through solitude's devouring quicksand I force weak knuckles to knock frantically at* embosomed passions. Paralyzed, my desperate attempts lie in failed heaps at my feet.
Weak with despair, I silently chant : I can't breathe... live... react!
Without edit marks :
A misty barrier folds around a kaleidoscope of emotions, its cool fingers lacing through the warmth, growing roots in the core of my humanity.
Once roaring currents are now still, immobilized by exhaustion. Drained, I ghost through daily routines as empty smiles tease numb lips; the body shakes from undesired hugs.
I must breathe... live... react! my conscience screams.
Vibrant tunes filter through my surroundings no comma and laughter licks at rising inner walls, both turning into a monotonous drumming on contact.
Through solitude's devouring quicksand I force weak knuckles to knock frantically at embosomed passions; Paralyzed, my desperate attempts lie in failed heaps at my feet.
Weak with despair, I silently chant : I can't breathe... live... react!
Hope this helps !
Love Alan
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Feb 22 04, 18:25
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,547
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia
Member No.: 13
Real Name: Daniah
Writer of: Poetry
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QUOTE(Athena @ Feb. 22 2004, 02:55) Oh Myyyy Daniah, My heart cries for you ... or if you're not the who this poem is about, then for the one who is. Dani, you put words together in such a way that reaches out and touches the senses of the reader, who in turn, cannot help but become emotionally involved, if just for a little while, with the magic of your poetry. I only have a couple suggestions as this is so perfect! QUOTE(Siren @ Feb. 22 2004, 00:32) A misty barrier folds around kaliedoscope of emotions. Its cool fingers lacing through the warmth, growing roots within the core of my humanity.
Once roaring currents now lie still, immobilized by exhaustion. Drained, I ghost through daily routines as empty smiles tease numb lips, and body shakes from unwanted hugs.
What about moving "drained" to the next line? You may wind up making this stanza 5 lines. Using "ghost" as verb here is very visual! Nice! The comma in last line unnecessary.
I must breathe... live... react! screams my conscience.
So graphic! I feel these words through and through!
Vibrant tunes filter through my surroundings, and laughter licks at rising inner walls, both turning into a monotonous drum upon contact.
Not sure I understand this one ...? Which "both" does the line refer to?
I reach out through the devouring quicksand of solitude, force weak knuckles to frantically knock upon embosomed passions. Paralyzed, desperate attempts lie in failed heaps at my feet. Weak with despair,
Wowwww marvelous stanza! I believe "lie" should be "lays".
I silently chant, I can't breathe... live... react! Wonderful imagery throughout, leaving me weak, too .... but, inspired; thank you. Blessings, Dolly Dear Dolly,
I appreciate your sentiments and concern... These haven't been good days for me. (which is apparent in the poem) :)
Thank you sooo much for the feedback and I do hope you check out the revisions...
As for your thoughts on the placement of "Drained" I kept in it's original place because I wanted a longer pause than what I would have had if I put it with it's respective sentence. (did I make any sense?)
Glad you liked the use of "ghost" here... It felt right... :)
The vibrant tunes (music) and the laughter are the intended "both" ....
Thank you so much for the taking the time on this... and your valued praise
Blessings Daniah
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Feb 22 04, 18:40
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,547
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia
Member No.: 13
Real Name: Daniah
Writer of: Poetry
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QUOTE(Alan @ Feb. 22 2004, 05:23) Dear Dani
Well, well, as always, this is very good. I have a few offerings :
A misty barrier folds around a* kalEI*doscope of emotions,* comma not dot its cool fingers lacing through the warmth, growing roots *in the core of my humanity. -- or "within my humanitiy's core" ?
Once roaring currents are* now *still, immobilized by exhaustion. *Drained, I ghost through daily routines * as empty smiles tease numb lips;* the body shakes from unwanted hugs. -- rearrange the lines ? undesired is stronger ?
I must breathe... live... react! screams my conscience. -- my conscience screams ?
Vibrant tunes filter through my surroundings* no comma and laughter licks at rising inner walls, both turning into a monotonous drum *on contact. -- drumming ?
I reach out through the devouring quicksand of solitude, force weak knuckles to frantically knock upon embosomed passions. Paralyzed, desperate attempts lie in failed heaps at my feet. Weak with despair,
I silently chant, I can't breathe... live... react!
2nd-last verse - I feel needs tightening up :
Through solitude's devouring quicksand I force weak knuckles to knock frantically at* embosomed passions. Paralyzed, my desperate attempts lie in failed heaps at my feet.
Weak with despair, I silently chant : I can't breathe... live... react!
Without edit marks :
A misty barrier folds around a kaleidoscope of emotions, its cool fingers lacing through the warmth, growing roots in the core of my humanity.
Once roaring currents are now still, immobilized by exhaustion. Drained, I ghost through daily routines as empty smiles tease numb lips; the body shakes from undesired hugs.
I must breathe... live... react! my conscience screams.
Vibrant tunes filter through my surroundings no comma and laughter licks at rising inner walls, both turning into a monotonous drumming on contact.
Through solitude's devouring quicksand I force weak knuckles to knock frantically at embosomed passions; Paralyzed, my desperate attempts lie in failed heaps at my feet.
Weak with despair, I silently chant : I can't breathe... live... react!
Hope this helps !
Love Alan Dear Alan,
Your suggestions clicked with me... Thank you so much... there are a few I didn't use, because they just didn't feel right to my ear and image... but I will keep turning them over in my mind... :)
I do hope you check the revision and tell me what you think...
Ever grateful
Daniah
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Guest__*
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Feb 22 04, 18:50
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Guest
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Dear Dani,
I'm pleased to hear that even one of my ideas clicked with you, so no need to apol for not using them all !
I came to the revision after reading your previous reply, and had an inkling that you had heard me, then of course I come to your post to me.
I like it a lot, and I commend you for being willing to write out the pains as well as at other times the pleasures.
Any upset fully confronted, and truth-extracted, makes one feel better.
Another way of saying that (which I do sometimes) is that I don't care if I'm 6 foot under, as long as I know that, then I can work out what to do next.
Glad to have you back in I hope full production !
Love Alan
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Feb 23 04, 02:24
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,547
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia
Member No.: 13
Real Name: Daniah
Writer of: Poetry
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Dear Alan,
I'm so glad you dropped back in... Thanks for the support and help... I did hear you... :)
You said:
"Any upset fully confronted, and truth-extracted, makes one feel better."
How true... and wise... :)
It's always refreshing to see in my threads Alan. :D
Dani
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Feb 23 04, 15:57
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,250
Joined: 2-August 03
From: USA
Member No.: 7
Writer of: Poetry
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QUOTE(Siren @ Feb. 22 2004, 02:32) Revised
Revision A filmy barrier folds around a kaleidoscope of emotions, its cool fingers lacing through the warmth, growing roots within the core of my humanity.
Once roaring currents are now still, immobilized by exhaustion. Drained, I ghost through daily routines as empty smiles tease numb lips, and body shakes from undesired hugs.
I must breathe... live... react! my conscience screams.
Vibrant tunes filter through my surroundings and laughter licks at rising inner walls, both turning into a monotonous drum upon contact.
Reaching out through solitude's devouring quicksand, I force weak knuckles to knock frantically at embosomed passions; Paralyzed, my desperate attempts lie in failed heaps at my feet.
Weak with despair, I silently chant : I can't breathe... live... react!
Original A misty barrier folds around kaliedoscope of emotions. Its cool fingers lacing through the warmth, growing roots within the core of my humanity.
Once roaring currents now lie still, immobilized by exhaustion. Drained, I ghost through daily routines as empty smiles tease numb lips, and body shakes from unwanted hugs.
I must breathe... live... react! screams my conscience.
Vibrant tunes filter through my surroundings, and laughter licks at rising inner walls, both turning into a monotonous drum upon contact.
I reach out through the devouring quicksand of solitude, force weak knuckles to frantically knock upon embosomed passions. Paralyzed, desperate attempts lie in failed heaps at my feet. Weak with despair,
I silently chant, I can't breathe... live... react!
Hi Daniah~
Wow, what an impassioned piece pouring with such raw emotion!
Very powerful and evocative, a poem I could really "feel."
May this note find you "breathing" hopeful and joyous air.
Wonderful writing, Dani! :pharoah2
Blessings~ Lindi
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Guest__*
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Feb 24 04, 11:05
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Guest
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Dear Gerry
"I am not qualified to offer critique---but I did think this was a powerful piece of poetry, with a strong delivery. Gerry "
That looks like a pretty damn good critique to me, Gerry ! Wish the ones I get were as straightforward as that
Love Alan
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Guest_blondie_*
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Feb 24 04, 11:28
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Guest
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Dear Daniah,
I have visited and re-visited your poem, reading it several times. Your descriptive words have captured such a strong and gripping image of someone who is facing life again after losing a loved one.
Your description, line structure, and emotion contained in this poem is incredible.
May each coming day be brighter for you!
~Amy~
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Feb 27 04, 16:13
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,547
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia
Member No.: 13
Real Name: Daniah
Writer of: Poetry
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"Hi Dani,
Read the poem and what can I feel. I sense, this is venting of the spleen, for some reason love has waned. "Once roaring currents are now still," Trying very hard to come to terms with lost desires, then trying desperatly to revive the spark, but the flame dies. I can't breathe... live... react!
The pure rawness and clarity in your poems is magical. "
Arnie,
Your praise does wonders to my heart... I'm deeply touched by it.
Thank you for dropping in.
Daniah
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Feb 27 04, 16:31
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,547
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia
Member No.: 13
Real Name: Daniah
Writer of: Poetry
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QUOTE(Aphrodite @ Feb. 23 2004, 14:57) QUOTE(Siren @ Feb. 22 2004, 02:32) Revised
Revision A filmy barrier folds around a kaleidoscope of emotions, its cool fingers lacing through the warmth, growing roots within the core of my humanity.
Once roaring currents are now still, immobilized by exhaustion. Drained, I ghost through daily routines as empty smiles tease numb lips, and body shakes from undesired hugs.
I must breathe... live... react! my conscience screams.
Vibrant tunes filter through my surroundings and laughter licks at rising inner walls, both turning into a monotonous drum upon contact.
Reaching out through solitude's devouring quicksand, I force weak knuckles to knock frantically at embosomed passions; Paralyzed, my desperate attempts lie in failed heaps at my feet.
Weak with despair, I silently chant : I can't breathe... live... react!
Original A misty barrier folds around kaliedoscope of emotions. Its cool fingers lacing through the warmth, growing roots within the core of my humanity.
Once roaring currents now lie still, immobilized by exhaustion. Drained, I ghost through daily routines as empty smiles tease numb lips, and body shakes from unwanted hugs.
I must breathe... live... react! screams my conscience.
Vibrant tunes filter through my surroundings, and laughter licks at rising inner walls, both turning into a monotonous drum upon contact.
I reach out through the devouring quicksand of solitude, force weak knuckles to frantically knock upon embosomed passions. Paralyzed, desperate attempts lie in failed heaps at my feet. Weak with despair,
I silently chant, I can't breathe... live... react!
Hi Daniah~
Wow, what an impassioned piece pouring with such raw emotion!
Very powerful and evocative, a poem I could really "feel."
May this note find you "breathing" hopeful and joyous air.
Wonderful writing, Dani! :pharoah2
Blessings~ Lindi Lindi,
Your words are awesome sweetie! Thank you so so much!
I am breathing thankfully...
Hugs to you and the kids
Daniah
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Feb 28 04, 09:16
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 388
Joined: 26-October 03
From: Southeast USA
Member No.: 37
Real Name: Jan
Writer of: Poetry
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Hello, Daniah,
It's nice to be sipping a Saturday AM cup of coffee and reading you. Your airy style with allowance of emotional images to float throughout the poem is amazing, no matter what your theme. I don't like to dive into the personal ones with what I think needs to be changed so I can't offer critique on this one, dear. I can say I enjoyed it though. May the dark clouds soon pass.
Jan
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Feb 29 04, 02:25
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,547
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia
Member No.: 13
Real Name: Daniah
Writer of: Poetry
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QUOTE(codger @ Feb. 24 2004, 09:15) I am not qualified to offer critique---but I did think this was a powerful piece of poetry, with a strong delivery.
Gerry Gerry,
I'm sorry for not getting to you sooner... I'm so honored you liked this... and your words are critique on their own... The knowledge that my words have touched you is a bonus.
thank you... Dani
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Feb 29 04, 02:30
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,547
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia
Member No.: 13
Real Name: Daniah
Writer of: Poetry
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QUOTE(Alan @ Feb. 24 2004, 10:05) Dear Gerry
"I am not qualified to offer critique---but I did think this was a powerful piece of poetry, with a strong delivery. Gerry "
That looks like a pretty damn good critique to me, Gerry ! Wish the ones I get were as straightforward as that
Love Alan Well Said Alan...
:) Dani
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Feb 29 04, 02:39
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,547
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia
Member No.: 13
Real Name: Daniah
Writer of: Poetry
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QUOTE(blondie @ Feb. 24 2004, 10:28) Dear Daniah,
I have visited and re-visited your poem, reading it several times. Your descriptive words have captured such a strong and gripping image of someone who is facing life again after losing a loved one.
Your description, line structure, and emotion contained in this poem is incredible.
May each coming day be brighter for you!
~Amy~ Dear Amy,
Thank you so much for the sweet words... I'm glad you liked this so much...
Daniah :)
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Mar 2 04, 20:06
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,547
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia
Member No.: 13
Real Name: Daniah
Writer of: Poetry
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*bump*
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Mar 2 04, 22:41
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 431
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Lee's Summit, MO, USA
Member No.: 5
Real Name: Butch
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Siren,
Just got to this - mixed emotions generated - I wonder how we can enjoy a piece written with such wanting. You have done an outstanding job, someday I will be able to write like this, only I hope with happier subjects.
Your piece reminds me of one of my favorite groups biggest song, the Moody Blues piece from Knights in White Satin:
Breathe deep in the gathering gloom Watch lights fade from every room Bedsitter people look back and lament Another day's useless energy's spent Impassioned lovers wrestle as one Lonely man cries for love and has none New mother picks up and suckles her son Senior citizens wish they were young Cold-hearted orb that rules the night Removes the colors from our sight Red is grey and yellow white And we decide which is right And which is an illusion?
Deepest, Butch
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