SANTA'S GROTTO, Finalist Options

[Cybele]

Dear Sir,

Last week I took my seven-year-old son Rocky (His real name is Roger -   the vicar wouldn't let us christen him Rocky) to visit Santa’s Grotto in your store.

Firstly, I should like to say that either your Santa was inebriated and/or deaf, since he addressed my boy as Roxy and presented him with a gift of a skipping rope! While I agree Rocky’s mane of golden curls would be the pride of any little girl, he is otherwise most definitely a little boy.

Rocky thought he might quite like to be a boxer when he grows up so he would need to do lots of skipping. Therefore I agreed he could keep the rope.

Two days later, Rocky was skipping in the garden – when suddenly one of the handles came off the rope. The end flew out of his hand and hit our Pekingese dog Tyson on the nose, almost taking his eye out. Needless to say, Tyson was somewhat annoyed at this, grabbed the offending rope and yanked it out of my Rocky's hand, sending him sprawling onto his little bottom causing painful cuts and bruising when he came into contact with one of my garden gnomes, which of course shattered to pieces. My garden gnomes are not those ghastly, cheap plastic ones. Mine are made of clay and painted individually to exacting standards as it says on the label, which comes with each gnome.

The skipping rope meantime, was receiving a right good seeing to by our precious little Tyson when the other handle came off and the rope went flying. It finished up wrapped around the bottom rung of a ladder, which my husband was using to repair the guttering of our semi-detached residence in a quiet cul-de-sac in Wigan. Tyson chased after the rope, caught the end and tried to run off with it. Unfortunately, this resulted in unsteadying the ladder, which then collapsed to the ground bringing my down husband with it. This would have been all right if he had been 2 feet further along the guttering, since he would have landed on snow.  As luck would have it he was working above the greenhouse.

Having crashed through the roof he landed on his trays of dahlia bulbs. These dahlias were his pride and joy.  He has been cultivating and cross breeding them for seventeen years and this was to be HIS year to win the Dahlia Championship Cup at our local Flower Show, and not that Harry Higginbottom's, who wins every year. (Fred said he is sure he cheats and buys them  on the Internet.)

I therefore wish to claim compensation for shoddy goods, which you presented (at our expense) to an unsuspecting, innocent little boy.  I am enclosing photographs of:

One shattered hand painted garden gnome
My poor little Rocky's badly bruised bum
Darling Tyson’s red and black eye
The greenhouse remains
The trays of ruined dahlias
My husband's plastered and bandaged body parts
The remains of the skipping rope

Also enclosed a bill to put these matters right.


Item

a) New hand painted garden gnome from Marie's Elegant Garden
   Accoutrement  Catalogue
B) Ointment for Rocky's bruises                    
c) Vet’s bill for Tyson's treatment  
d) New greenhouse (wood framed)    
e) Loss of irreplaceable dahlias        
f) Private treatment for my husband's injuries  
  (we don't have private health insurance)
g) One new skipping rope

   COST OF ITEM

  a) £19.99                  
  B) £2.99        
  c) £127.00
  d) £659.00                                          
  e) £500.00                                          
  f) £750.00
  g) £1.99    
                                                                                £2039.97                                                    
                                                                                                                                                                                           
All receipts are enclosed.



This total does not include any trauma treatment, which may be necessary for Rocky, Tyson or Fred. I am sure we can negotiate a fair settlement for this if it becomes necessary.

I look forward to your early reply before I contact my solicitor.  I'm sure you would prefer to settle this amicably, rather than drag it through the courts, thereby causing untold damage to your Company’s good name.


Yours sincerely


Hilda Clitheroe

P.S I think you will agree when studying little Rocky's bottom that he is getting very muscular and shaping up nicely for his future career in the ring, bless him.

P.P.S I would suggest you either vet your applicants for the role of Santa more closely next year, or offer a higher wage and employ a better class of person for this important role.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Thank you for your Holiday entry!  :holly:

Best of luck to you!  :dove:

May the 'classic' holiday spirit be shared in your heart throughout the season!  :blueorn:

~ Mosaic Musings Staff  :knight:  :pharoah:  :viking:  :vic:  :tut:  :vic:  :cali:  :knight:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Grace!  :reindeer:

This is hysterical!  :snowflake:  You've made me laugh so hard, my eyes are watering!  :ornament:

What a great imagination (I do hope this isn't a real life experience)?!  :holly:

Best of luck!  :dove:

~Cleo  :blueorn:

[Cybele]

Good Morning Cleo,

I am so glad this made you laugh ~ that was the aim of the exercise.

Not exactly drawn from life but triggered by an event.

When my four sons were small they attended a Christmas Party to see Santa Claus. We had previously handed in their names and ages for them to be presented with a suitable gift from Santa.  My third son is called Sean. When he received and opened his gift we realised someone had misread his name as JEAN ~ his present? A doll's tea set!!!

Still all was not lost, my eldest son, then seven, played with it for hours and whether or not it was the trigger, he is now a fantastic cook and makes the most mouth-watering meals whenever we visit, so it's an in wind that does no good eh??  

LOve

Grace

[Cleo_Serapis]

So now I know where the inspiration came from Grace!

We are down to the last week, so the max of 2 per member is no longer applicable. Here's hoping you'll post a few pieces this week by Nov 15!

Cheers!
~Cleo

[Aphrodite]

Hey Grace~

This is a wonderful tale filled with great imagination, humor and enchantment!

Super!

Good luck~
Lindi
PS Aren't all mall Santa's three sheets to the wind???

[Cybele]

Hello Lindi,  

Lovely to hear from you  ~ I have missed you lately.

I'm glad you enjoyed this, I certainly enjoyed writing it.

Love

Grace

[Guest__*]

Dear Grace,

This lovely piece reminded me of Gerard Hoffnung's recording of a letter
describing having several meetings with a barrel of bricks
going up and down a winch with the bricklayer tangled in the rope and always travelling in the opposite direction !

"causing severe abrasions about the head" etc etc. It ends with "I respectfully
request sick leave".

Well done !

Love
Alan

[Cybele]

Good Sir Knight


I am glad you enjoyed this piece of frippery Alan,

Yes I remember reading about Gerard Hoffnung's time at the Ministry of Pensions, where he had to answer letters sent to the department, which contained messages such as:

Sir, I have been in bed with a doctor for a week, and it doesn't seem to be doing me much good. If things don't improve, I must get another doctor.

Sir, this is to notify you that I have given birth to twins, in the enclosed envelope.

Re: your dental enquiry. The teeth on top are fine, but the ones on my bottom are hurting terribly.

They seem to suit my sense of humour.

Love

Grace

[Cleo_Serapis]

Congratulations!  :blueorn:

This submission has been nominated as a finalist in the First Annual Mosaic Musings Holiday Classic!



Best of luck!  :holly:

[Cybele]

Good morning Lori,

I am absolutely delighted to reach the final, since this piece was written more in jest than in competition.  I am honoured.

Best of luck to everyone in the finals.

   

Love

Grace

[Cleo_Serapis]

Thank you for your finalist submission.    

Although your tile did not win, we congratulate you for bringing the spirit of the holidays to all.  :holly:

Look for our MMHC chapbook with all the submissions in the future!    

Happiest of holidays to you and yours!

~Cleo  :xmas:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Permission granted for MMHC chapbook compilation