As Guest in Mars, Wizard Award ~ Sonnet Options

[Aggiel]

If I were asked to take a trip to Mars,
to dip along the outer atmosphere;
I'd tell my kin I'm off to see the stars,
then plan to leave my dogs in someone's care.
I'd query scientists, which food to bring,
along with clothes, clean underwear and socks.
I'd get a telescope, some balls of string,
to tie them tight to meteoric rocks.
I’d bring some gifts to please my foreign hosts:
for spiritual Martians, big bags of leaves;
for Queen, a brooch and books on snow and ghosts
and to her Prince a shirt with golden sleeves.
But since this all is merely empty talk,
I’ll end my fantacy ; I’m out of chalk !


If I were asked to take a trip to Mars,
to dip along the outer atmosphere;
I'd tell my kin I'm off to see the stars,
then plan to leave my dogs in someone's care.
I'd query scientists which food to bring:
along with clothes, clean underwear and socks.
I'd get a telescope, some balls of string,
then tie them tight to meteor moon rocks.
I’d bring some gifts to please my foreign hosts:
for spiritual Martians, boxes of leaves;
for Queen, a brooch and books on snow and ghosts.
I’d give her Prince a shirt of golden sleeves.
But since this all is merely empty talk,
I’ll end my fantacy; I’m out of chalk


If I were asked to take a trip to Mars,
away from earth and dusty air;
I’d race to kin and friends, bid au revoir,
and leave my dogs in someone’s care.
I’d ask an astronaut what food to bring:
what clothes, some underwear and socks.
I’d get a telescope and balls of string,
shoes for walking, specs, chains and locks.
I’d bring some gifts to please my foreign hosts:
the spiritual, boxes of leaves;
for Queen, a brooch and books on snow and ghosts,
her Prince... a shirt of golden sleeves.
But since all this is merely empty talk,
I’ll end my poem here; I’m out of chalk.
.............

As Guest in Mars

If I were asked to take a trip to Mars,
away from earth, away from dusty air;
I’d race to tell my kin and friends at bars,
I’d plan to leave my dogs in someone’s care.
I’d ask mad scientists what tin food to bring.
Besides my clothes, my underwear and socks;
I’d get a telescope and balls of string,
good shoes for walking, glasses, chains and locks.
I’d bring some gifts to please my foreign hosts:
for spiritual Martians, boxes of leaves;
for Queen, a brooch and books on snow and ghosts.
I’d give her Prince a shirt of golden sleeves.
But since all this is merely empty talk,
I’ll end my poem here; I’m out of chalk.
......................................

As Guest in Mars ( Original)

If I were asked to take a trip to Mars,
away from earth, away from dusty air;
I’d race to tell my kin and friends at bars,
I’d plan to leave my dogs in someone’s care.
I’d ask mad scientists what tin food to bring.
Besides my clothes, my underwear and socks;
I’ll get a telescope and balls of string,
good shoes for walking, glasses, chains and locks.
I’d bring some gifts to please my foreign hosts:
for spiritual Martians, boxes of leaves;
their queen, a brooch and books on snow and ghosts.
I’d give the prince a shirt of golden sleeves.
But since all these is but an empty talk,
I’ll end my poem here, I’m out of chalk.

Agatha Lai

[Cleo_Serapis]

Excellent reply to the Pandora challenge Aggie. Are you going to post this over there too?

I've off to work now but will be back again with some thoughts/suggestions for you later.

Cheers
~Cleo

[JustDaniel]

Now this is really a delightful bit of chalk sonnetry, Ms Lai! You played fast and loose with the metre in a few places, but that's okay for the most part. I love your ending!

As Guest in Mars

If I were asked to take a trip to Mars,
away from earth, away from dusty air;
I’d race to tell my kin and friends at bars,
I’d plan to leave my dogs in someone’s care.
[ Super opening stanza, setting the tone! ]

I’d ask mad scientists what tin food to bring.
[ Can't figure out how to include mad scientists AND 'tin' or 'canned' without that extra half-beat stumble ]
Besides my clothes, my underwear and socks;
I’ll I'd get a telescope and balls of string,
good shoes for walking, glasses, chains and locks.

I’d bring some gifts to please my foreign hosts:
for spiritual Martians, boxes of bright leaves;
their for Queen, a brooch and books on snow and ghosts.
I’d give the her Prince a shirt of golden sleeves.

But since all these this is but an merely empty talk,
I’ll end my poem here[;] (,) I’m out of chalk.

still chucklin' Lightly, Daniel

[Aggiel]

Excellent reply to the Pandora challenge Aggie. Are you going to post this over there too?

You bet I am. But I think it's good to show it here first.

I've off to work now but will be back again with some thoughts/suggestions for you later.

Hi, you are working Lori ..can't picture poet like you has to work.


aggie

[Aggiel]

Now this is really a delightful bit of chalk sonnetry, Ms Lai! You played fast and loose with the metre in a few places, but that's okay for the most part. I love your ending!

Thanks a lot for the crit. Now I am beginning to see
my meters, the weakness in few places.I will work on it.




aggie

[Aggiel]

Daniel,

I have problem with these sentences.

I’d ask mad scientists what tin food to bring.
[ Can't figure out how to include mad scientists AND 'tin' or 'canned' without that extra half-beat stumble ]


I'd ASK mad SCIENtists WHAT tin FOOD to BRING.


for spiritual Martians, boxes of bright leaves;

11 syllabus count.

Just wandering




aggie

[JustDaniel]

aniel,

I have problem with these sentences.

I’d ask mad scientists what tin food to bring.
[ Can't figure out how to include mad scientists AND 'tin' or 'canned' without that extra half-beat stumble ]

I'd ASK mad SCIENtists WHAT tin FOOD to BRING.

[ Oho! Now that I see your two-syllable pronunciation of Sci'ntists, it's all quite clear! ]

for spiritual Martians, boxes of bright leaves;

11 syllable count. Just wandering

[ Actually, there are twelve, Aggie... but I thought you were slurring over the ones in spiritual (four syllables). When you're using substitutes for iambic in IP meter, you may not be so concerned about the syllable-count, as you are the five pulses, stresses... and actually, what I had suggested above is a VERY poor substitute, on second thought! The key to me is that you seem to be stressing 'spiritual' as SPIRitual, or two beats rather than the four that it is; am I correct in that?

How about...

for SPIRitual MARtians, BOXes FILLED with LEAVES. ]

aggie

deLighting in the exchange, Daniel

[Aggiel]

Hi Daniel,

I have checked the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, “spiritual’ is 3 count.

*spir-i-ch*l,

Thank you for the detailed critique.

My revised poem is up. Please take a look.



aggie

[JustDaniel]

Hey, Aggie...

I have no doubt that various dictionaries in our multifaceted language will have different pronunciations of this word. However, I think that you'll find that the preferred pronunciation has four syllables... but it can be pronounced with as few as two and a shewa!

Take a look at this: spiritual

I'm a headin' fer yer revision now!

trippin' sLightly, Daniel

[JustDaniel]

Hello again, Aggie...

Since this piece is no longer in the Challenge forum, I might suggest you merely change the required "mad scientists" and "spiritual Martian" lines to something else. You have a good piece here, and those two lines...[ The pronunciation of those two words totally throw off your iambics in both lines. ]... are basically the only stumbles...

except this one (outside of your own locale); let me suggest this to kind of universalize your sonnet:

...what tin canned food to bring.

Lightly for now, Daniel

[Aggiel]

Daniel,

Since this piece is no longer in the Challenge forum, I might suggest you merely change the required "mad scientists" and "spiritual Martian" lines to something else. You have a good piece here, and those two lines...[ The pronunciation of those two words totally throw off your iambics in both lines. ]... are basically the only stumbles...

Daniel,

You are right about those two phrases; they do mess up meters.I’ll think of something else to replace them.



Thanks a lot for your valuable critique.

Aggie

[Merlin]

Hi Aggiel,

There are just a couple of items I'd like to point out, not a full critique.

1st - In L2, there appears to be an error with "earth". It's my best call that you're meaning planet Earth, not the earth beneath our feet. That would warrant a capital, as Mars has.

2nd - the mad scientist situation. I actually like the use, but wonder if the image presented is correct. I envision a scientist mixing up a concoction that is guaranteed to make my hair fall out, not a conductor of a space odessey. True, there are rocket scientists, but I think a better image can be found.

There are astronauts, cosmonauts, space cadets, lunatics, and other fringe candidates, like space junkies and restaurant chefs who know more about food than a mad scientist would. It doesn't make a lotta sense you asking a mad scientist about your culinary desires. Then, there's that connection between your underwear and food - that takes a little digesting. I don't often pack a suitcase with clothes, underwear, socks, and then decide what food to pack. Ask them (whomever you decide) what else you should pack.

I'm looking forward to your appetite there, and - Bon Voyage!

Merlin

[Aggiel]

Merlin,

This is an entry for Pandora Challenge this month.
Those two awkward phrases are snippets
that must be included in my poem. Obviously
I didn’t do quite well in the job.

I am so happy to get help from Daniel and you .
Thank you for some useful tips about space flight.
I shall make good use of them in my revision.


My voyage to Mars from Earth should
run smoothly once everything falls in place.

But wait, I must have my underwear in my
suite case for a more comfortable space flight
and my favourite canned food as appetizer.



Aggiel

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Aggie,

So cute! LOL A most enjoyable read! I think you could vary the meter and produce a bouncy rhythm. And I think I would break it up into stanzas for easier reading.

Take or trash as you wish... *smiles*
Cathy

If I were asked to take a trip to Mars, (10)
away from earth, away from[and] dusty air; (8)
I’d race to tell my kin and friends[, bid au revoir,] at bars, (10)
I’d plan to[and] leave my dogs in someone’s care. (8) Stanza break
I’d ask mad scientists[an astronaut] what tin food to bring. I agree with Merlin here... go with astronaut or something. (10)
Besides my[what] clothes, my[some] underwear and socks; (8)
I’d get a telescope and balls of string, {10)
good shoes for walking, glasses[specs], chains and locks. (8) Stanza break... The 'specs' could refer to glasses or 'specifics' as to how to get around on Mars.
I’d bring some gifts to please my foreign hosts: (10)
for[the] spiritual Martians, boxes of leaves; (8)
for Queen, a brooch and books on snow and ghosts[,]{.}
I’d give her Prince[...] a shirt of golden sleeves. Stanza break
But since all this is merely empty talk,
I’ll end my poem here; I’m out of chalk. I couldn't help chuckling here! lol

If I were asked to take a trip to Mars,
away from earth and dusty air;
I’d race to kin and friends, bid au revoir,
and leave my dogs in someone’s care.

I’d ask an astronaut what food to bring:
what clothes, some underwear and socks.
I’d get a telescope and balls of string,
shoes for walking, specs, chains and locks.

I’d bring some gifts to please my foreign hosts:
the spiritual, boxes of leaves;
for Queen, a brooch and books on snow and ghosts,
her Prince... a shirt of golden sleeves.

But since all this is merely empty talk,
I’ll end my poem here; I’m out of chalk.

Better have someone check my punctuation. I stink at it! lol

[Aggiel]

Hi Cathy,


It’s good to see you again, especially at my thread.
Thanks for the good comments.

As I have said, those snippets are hard to work on.
But you have helped me out by getting rid of them
Here , not there at the Pandora corner..heeheee

Since I have not yet worked out a satisfactory one,
Yours will do.

Thanks a lot.



Aggiel

[AMETHYST]

Hello Aggie,

What a delightful Sonnet. I quite enjoyed the comical, humorous tone along with the fantasy of the subject. How sweetly woven and original. I also applaud you with your response to the Pandora Challenge, and now that the poem is up for some revision to allow it to grow from the confines of the snippets, I know you have a pleasant, and most enjoyable sonnet there after!

I think your title is lovely. I adored the clever ways you've enhanced the excitement and over joyful motions of someone who might receive an invitation to Mars. Boy I would do much the same here... too excited to do anything else! :) And your ending couplet is wonderful and the suggestion that Cathy has offered is also very

What I felt might be points of improvement were some of the end rhymes felt forced for rhyme sake. As I comment on individual lines I will pin point which felt a little forced or noticable. Also, L9, which should offer a Turn or Volta in the Sonnet, isn't present. Of course L9 is present, but the turn isn't.
And alas, I think that the story, with it's magical subject and the delightfully charming ending, could be improved by taking some of those 'feet' that are used by a lot of filler. The listing of too many things could be used to build on such ideas like leaving the dogs with someone and maybe zoning in on the narrators need to be taken so far away, that Mars would so inviting. Or perhaps, introducing the chalk on a concrete sidewalk as the turning point. Let's see what we see...

Best Wishes Aggie, Good to read you again... Always a pleasure.

Liz

As Guest in Mars

If I were asked to take a trip to Mars,
away from earth, away from dusty air;

Good opening. However, just a suggestion for adding more detail for your money in L2...
Perhaps...
to dip along the outer atmosphere;


I’d race to tell my kin and friends at bars,
I’d plan to leave my dogs in someone’s care.

L3, is where I felt the end rhyme was too obvious in that the meaning felt weak compared to the options available to enhance the over all image.

PErhaps...
I'd tell my kin I'm off to see the stars,
then plan to leave my dogs in someone's care.



I’d ask mad scientists what tin food to bring.
Besides my clothes, my underwear and socks;

I'd query scientists which food to bring;
then pack my bags, clean underwear and socks.


I’d get a telescope and balls of string,
good shoes for walking, glasses, chains and locks.

I'd get a telescope, some balls of string,
then tie them tight to meteor moon rocks.



I’d bring some gifts to please my foreign hosts:
for spiritual Martians, boxes of leaves;
for Queen, a brooch and books on snow and ghosts.
I’d give her Prince a shirt of golden sleeves.
But since all this is merely empty talk,
I’ll end my poem here; I’m out of chalk.

Aggie, I will have to return to this later in the afternoon, as I am on over time at work and it is now time to go home ... (to sleep) and will return upon awakening!

Best to you... Liz

[Aggiel]

Hi Liz,

It’s a great pleasure to read your critique. It is like looking at myself described by another person and found I don’t know myself quite as well as that person. Very strange feeling.
So is my poem, totally strange to me.

As I am writing to fit the title for Pandora this month I am thinking along that line.

If you were invited on a trip to Mars, as a guest, what would you take along with you?

And so I didn’t have a volta there. Right now after a full dinner and sleep is creeping upon me, I think of a volta in this poem as strange as a Martian in my poem.

I must admit that all I want to do is to finish this piece , pass up and call it a day. SHAME!

Yes, the list could have been summarized and get on with other aspect of the voyage.

I know I am getting get good help here to make me and my poem reach the level expected by you all. But I am in no hurry to reach there so soon.

Thanks a lot.




Aggie

[Aggiel]

Liz,


If I were asked to take a trip to Mars,
to dip along the outer atmosphere;
I'd tell my kin I'm off to see the stars,
then plan to leave my dogs in someone's care.
I'd query scientists which food to bring;
then pack my bags, clean underwear and socks
I'd get a telescope, some balls of string,
then tie them tight to meteor moon rocks.
I’d bring some gifts to please my foreign hosts:
for spiritual Martians, boxes of leaves;
for Queen, a brooch and books on snow and ghosts.
I’d give her Prince a shirt of golden sleeves.
But since all this is merely empty talk,
I’ll end my poem here; I’m out of chalk


Thanks a lot.But is a volta here possible ?


Aggie

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Aggie.

You've inspired me (and reminded me) to get going on the Pandora challenge since today is the last day of the month.

I enjoyed your sonnet and your imaginative style. Since I'm not versed too well with sonnets, I thought I'd take the tetrametered lines and offer you some substitutions to make the entire poem "pentameter". Please take or toss as you wish.

Cheers
~Cleo

[add] {delete}

If I were asked to take a trip to Mars,
away from [planet] earth and dusty air;
I’d race to kin and friends, bid au revoir,
and leave my dogs in {someone’s} [someone else’s] care.

I’d ask an astronaut what food to bring:
{what} [along with] clothes, some underwear and socks.
I’d get a telescope and balls of string{,}[;]
[wear] shoes for walking, {specs} [glasses], chains and locks.

I’d bring some gifts to please my foreign hosts:
[for] the spiritual, boxes of leaves{;}[.]
[F]or Queen, a brooch and books on snow and ghosts{,}[;]
her [stately] Prince... a shirt of golden sleeves.

But since {all} this [all] is merely empty talk,
I’ll end my {poem here} [fantasy]; I’m out of chalk.

[Aggiel]

Thanks a lot Liz for the help with my poem,I find it
very useful. I will not have a volta for this poem,
since I have to follow a guide line for the pandora.

My revised version is up. Please take a look.




Aggie