A Tapestry [revised 02 Jul 08] Options

[Guest_sigh_*]

A Tapestry - revision one, July 8th


Clicking together ruby slippers, which in fact she was not wearing,
wishing, in whispers, to go home; desperately wishing.

Home had escaped her and accidentally faded below a memory.
Perhaps, more accurately, home had been stolen.

Fading strands of clarity woven tightly now into a lifetime tapestry
of unreality, of fantasy; creating a private travesty.

Slender fingers pluck the air, trying to unweave fact from fiction.
A thread of truth goes here, a questionable truth, well that goes there.

She clicks together ruby slippers, which in fact she is not wearing,
so busy whispering and weaving.


<sub>Original:

Clicking together ruby slippers, which in fact she was not wearing.

Wishing, in whispers, to go home; desperately wishing.

Home had escaped her and accidentally faded below a memory.

Or perhaps, more accurately, home had been stolen.

Not enough time, to fully remember actuality, mixed in now

with too much time to weave a tapestry of unreality, of fantasy.

Slender fingers pluck the air, trying to unweave fact from fiction.

A thread of truth goes here, a questionable truth, well that goes there.

She clicks together ruby slippers, which in fact she is not wearing,

whispering wishes for a home</sub>

[Guest_Xanadu_*]

Hello sigh.

I really think you are on to something here. However, I think it would read much better if the phrases were more condensed. There seems to be a lot of repetition of ideas as with "wishing" and "truth" and "home". The poem is too short for these iterations using the same words, and thusly loosing it`s strength.
You also might consider scratching the first line and leave it for the end to achieve the "AH HA!' factor.
All in all, with some paring down, this could develop into a dynamite read!

[Guest_sigh_*]

Thank you Xanadu,

I agree that the phrases could use some tweaking.
I was just not sure how to go about it.
Your suggestions point me in a good direction.

[saore]

Hi, Sigh...

The only things that say anything to me are these lines, but they need work:

Wishing, in whispers, to go home
Home had escaped her
too much time to weave a tapestry
unweave fact from fiction
She clicks together ruby slippers,
whispering wishes for a home < maybe another word for "unweave"

I think that if you focus you can get a poem out of these thoughts.

Sergio

[Guest_sigh_*]

Thank you Sergio for taking the time to read and critique what I posted.

I will certainly consider all of your advice and perhaps do a rewrite of my material.


sigh

[AMETHYST]

Hello Sigh,

Unfortunately, "sigh' I find this to lean more on a prose paragraph rather than poetry - However there are some prime points that you can work with to get the poetry to step out and into the readers view...

Hope I leave something that might help you with this...

Best Regards, Liz

Clicking together ruby slippers, which in fact she was not wearing.

Wishing, in whispers, to go home; desperately wishing.

Home had escaped her and accidentally faded below a memory.

Or perhaps, more accurately, home had been stolen.

just my opinion, I found this a little bit wordy and I do like where it begins, but I found it doesn't really get to where I feel it wants to go. There are too much repetitive words that to my mind, aren't serving a purpose. That would be a great place to begin weeding out.

An example:

She clicks together imagined ruby slippers;
whispering wishes for home;
but home has faded beneath (WHAT KIND) memory;
stolen from heart's view.

I would suggest condensing these lines and stanza break here, then allowing the next few llines to become it's own stanza.

Not enough time, to fully remember actuality, mixed in now

with too much time to weave a tapestry of unreality, of fantasy.

Slender fingers pluck the air, trying to unweave fact from fiction.

A thread of truth goes here, a questionable truth, well that goes there.

Again, I found repeating the words unnecessary. However I do like the weaving of time into a tapestry ... perhaps ..
Time, mixing to weave a tapestry
of fantasy - slender fingers pluck
the air - unweaving fact from fiction.
A thread of truth here -
and fragment there.


OF course this is only an example please use or lose what you like/dislike.

She clicks together ruby slippers, which in fact she is not wearing,

whispering wishes for a home

This is strong point. The ending is the beginning ...

She clicks together imaginary rube slippers -
whispering wishes for a home.



Hope something helps you. I will keep an eye on this, and look back in when a revision is available.

Regards, Liz

[Kay]

I love the idea of ruby slippers but the metaphor of weaving throws me in here. I don't think of shoes when I think of weaving. I think of the hands.
Maybe if you could somehow connect the two,you'd have more strength in this. That's what jumped out at me, anyway.

[Guest_sigh_*]

Amethyst/Liz,

Thank you for your critique, I understand that critiques take time, effort and creative energy and I appreciate the depth you went to offer me advice. No, need for the 'unfortunately' I am quick to agree that what I wrote is a prose-like note then any sort of poetry.

I was not comfortable myself with parts of this, especially with the lines that begin with "Too much time, to fully remember...
I found them awkward. You have given me some good ideas on how to advance with this.
thanks


Kay -thank you for your comments

sigh

[Cleo_Serapis]

The first revision is now posted

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Sigh, a sort of Oz-onian begining and ending..clicking ruby slippers. I like these lines:

wishing, in whispers, to go home; desperately wishing.

Home had escaped her and accidentally faded below a memory.
Perhaps, more accurately, home had been stolen.

Fading strands of clarity woven tightly now into a lifetime tapestry
of unreality, of fantasy; creating a private travesty.

the revision is definitly better than the original but I thing it could still be better yet.
Steve

[Peterpan]

Sigh~

I love repetition. I love your style. The mystery and the - there and not there: is almost 'Alicey'!

It is unique and has a intriguing flavour.

I had the privilege of hearing David Rattray, the famous historian and storyteller, in our country, just before he was murdered. His style was to repeat phrases. It reassures the reader and makes the reader/listener comfortable that the content is legitimate or seriously happening!? It enhances the story even if fictional.

Thank you for sharing this.

Bev

[Guest_sigh_*]

ohsteve---perhaps it could be "better yet" I'm just not sure how right now but I'll give it some thought and perhaps, in time, there will be a revision three. Thank you so much.

Bev,
I don't know who David Rattray is, but I plan on finding out and I'm looking forward to the experience. thank you thank you for your kind words :)

Sigh