A Rainbow in the Sky - a fairy tale, Pandora's 2nd February 2005 challenge Options

[Guest_Nina_*]

Rainbow in the Sky  - A Fairy Tale  (revised)

A miserable king, called Seamus, lived in a castle on the Emerald Isle.  He ruled his kingdom through fear and punishment.

One sunny spring morning, King Seamus woke up in a very bad mood.  He saw his subjects enjoying the sunshine.  The grass was green, edged with beautiful flowers. People were happy, wearing brightly coloured clothes and gold jewellery.  King Seamus was angry.  He was miserable so he thought that his subjects ought to be miserable too.  He would teach those cheerful people a lesson.  He summoned the castle leprechaun and ordered him to remove all colours from the kingdom.

Skies darkened, rain-clouds formed and colour vanished.

Time passed.  Laughter and fun were but a memory in people’s minds.  They now lived a drab, damp existence under a cloud of sadness.  One young boy, Patrick was so desperate for colour and sunshine that he went to find some little folk willing to reverse the magic. He was lucky, the seventeenth leprechaun he found was a brave little fellow called Rainbow who had been so proud of his little green outfit and hated  it being colourless.  

With a shamrock, a jig and a special spell, colour was restored to the World, never to be taken away again. Patrick and Rainbow were welcomed as heroes.  However King Seamus was furious and ordered his guards to arrest the culprits and throw them in the dungeon. The poor heroes were never seen again.

Their brave efforts will never be forgotten.  Patrick was renamed Saint Patrick and, whenever a rainbow appears in the sky, we are reminded of a brave little leprechaun who gave his life for a world full of beautiful colours.

words used Emerald Isle, green, gold, leprechaun, little folk, lucky, seventeenth, rainbow, shamrock, jig, Saint Patrick.




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Rainbow in the Sky  - A Fairy Tale (original)

A miserable king, called Seamus lived in a castle on the Emerald Isle.  He ruled his kingdom through fear and tyranny.

One sunny spring morning, King Seamus woke up in a particularly bad mood.  He saw his subjects enjoying the sunshine.  The grass was lush and green, bordered by beautiful flowers. People were happy, sporting brightly coloured clothes and gold jewellery.  King Seamus was livid.  He was miserable therefore his subjects ought to be miserable too.  He would teach those cheerful people a lesson.  He summoned the castle leprechaun and ordered him to remove all colours from the kingdom.

Skies darkened, rain-clouds formed and colour vanished.

Time passed.  Laughter and fun were but a memory in people’s minds.  They lived a drab, damp existence under a cloud of depression.  One young boy, Patrick was so desperate for colour and sunshine that he set off to find some little folk willing to reverse the magic. He was lucky, the seventeenth leprechaun he found was a brave little fellow called Rainbow who had been so proud of his little green outfit and hated  it colourless.  

With a shamrock, a jig and a special incantation, colour was restored to the world. Patrick and Rainbow were hailed heroes.  King Seamus was furious and ordered his guards to seize the culprits and throw them in the dungeon.

Their valiant efforts will never be forgotten.  Patrick was canonised, becoming Saint Patrick and, whenever a rainbow appears in the sky, we are reminded of a brave little leprechaun who gave his life for a world full of beautiful colours.

words used Emerald Isle, green, gold, leprechaun, little folk, lucky, seventeenth, rainbow, shamrock, jig, Saint Patrick.

Nina

[Siren]

Nina,

You know what I think of this, but I'll say it again. I loved it so much and wish I had it in a children's story book along with illustrations to read it to my son.

I have no nits, sweetie, just praise.

Hugs
Dani

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Dani

Thank you, that means so much to me.

Hugs

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina, this is a very charming children’s tale and works really well. I enjoyed it greatly.

I’m not sure that there is not a non sequitur between the final and penultimate paragraphs. We have P and R gaoled, yet suddenly, without further explanation, they are dead. Maybe a short sentence saying they died in gaol for their efforts?  The other logic problem is that, once the King had them arrested why didn’t he simply re-uncolour the World? Maybe some reference to them permanently re-colouring the World, thus thwarting any subsequent efforts to de-colour it again?

I have also suggested some minor word changes to smooth the flow / improve the logic. I have actually suggested more words in places to try to match the child-like language.

As always, your choices.

Thanks for this, Nina; I enjoyed it.

N.B.: Providing you do not exceed the 300 word limit, you can alter your competition entry, should you wish to, as a result of crits, any time up to the deadline - that’s perfectly acceptable (I’ve changed mine already).

James.

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Rainbow in the Sky - A Fairy Tale

A miserable king, called Seamus[,] lived in a castle on the Emerald Isle. He ruled his kingdom through fear and tyranny.

He was miserable {therefore}[so he thought that] his subjects ought to be miserable too.

Time passed. Laughter and fun were but a memory in people’s minds. They [now] lived a drab, damp existence under a cloud of depression. One young boy, Patrick was so desperate for colour and sunshine that he {set off} [went] to find some little folk willing to reverse the magic. He was lucky, the seventeenth leprechaun he found was a brave little fellow called Rainbow who had been so proud of his little green outfit and hated it [being] colourless.

With a shamrock, a jig and a special incantation, colour was restored to the {w}[W]orld.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi James

this is a very charming children’s tale and works really well. I enjoyed it greatly.

Thank you

I’m not sure that there is not a non sequitur between the final and penultimate paragraphs. We have P and R gaoled, yet suddenly, without further explanation, they are dead. Maybe a short sentence saying they died in gaol for their efforts?  The other logic problem is that, once the King had them arrested why didn’t he simply re-uncolour the World? Maybe some reference to them permanently re-colouring the World, thus thwarting any subsequent efforts to de-colour it again?
Yes, you are right about the logic.  I think I wrote more of an explanation in the original, but it got lost when paring to fit into 300 words.  I did find it quite hard to say what I wanted within the limitations and had to cut out a lot.  I probably cut too much.  I will have a look at it again.

N.B.: Providing you do not exceed the 300 word limit, you can alter your competition entry, should you wish to, as a result of crits, any time up to the deadline - that’s perfectly acceptable (I’ve changed mine already).
thanks, I didn't realise you could alter the competition entry as a result of crits.  I assumed that once you'd posted a piece, that was your final entry.  Thanks for letting me know.

I agree with your word changes, thanks for taking the trouble to go through the story and make suggestions.

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina,

Pleased to help.

>>I didn't realise you could alter the competition entry as a result of crits.  I assumed that once you'd posted a piece, that was your final entry.  Thanks for letting me know.

Well, yes because anyone can post right up to the deadline and private crits could be solicited anyway - in fact, I had one from a very good friend of mine, before posting at all. And having a comp entry in a crit forum is fine - so it would be impossible (and undesirable) to refuse to allow people to change their entries; in fact I suppose we all have a moral duty to enter the version with which we feel most content; the one we think best. So, if you wish to change anything, please do so right to the deadline (careful to keep the 300 words max and six specified words minimum - easy to edit-out a required word or few!) and post what you believe to be your best effort.

Good luck!

Cheers, James.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Nina,

This is so lovely - and you've used ALL the words, too!

I see James has suggested a few things already. I agree about the non sequiteur near the end - but shouldn't be too tricky to fix.

It reads as a children's story, but just occasionally you let quite grown up words and ideas slip in - 'tyranny' and 'depression' certainly stand out. Some of the other wording might be 'childified' too if this were to make a picture book for some of the smallest (which it could do, very well, in my view! ).

For example:
The grass was lush and green, bordered by beautiful flowers. People were happy, sporting brightly coloured clothes and gold jewellery.
might be written without 'lush' 'boardered' and 'sporting':
Beautiful flowers grew beside soft, green grass. People were happy, wearing brightly coloured clothes with gold and jewels.

I've never tried writing a children's story for that reason - hard to keep the vocabulary under control. Even if a book is to be read aloud (as this one would be, I can imagine) the language has to be quite simple.

This one has a really good feel, so might be an excellent start for a picture book.

Fran

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

this is my third attempt at replying to you.  I keep getting interrupted.

This is so lovely - and you've used ALL the words, too!
thanks and I have to confess - I didn't use all the words, only 8 of them.

I see James has suggested a few things already. I agree about the non sequiteur near the end - but shouldn't be too tricky to fix.
yes, I will change it.

It reads as a children's story, but just occasionally you let quite grown up words and ideas slip in - 'tyranny' and 'depression' certainly stand out. Some of the other wording might be 'childified' too if this were to make a picture book for some of the smallest (which it could do, very well, in my view! ).
I didn't really think much about what age I was writing for.  I didn't visualise it as being a picture book so I didn't make enough of an effort to keep the language simple, but it is easily fixed.

heading off now to make alterations.


Thanks for your helpful comments.

Just editing to say that I have now revised the story.

Nina

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Nina.  :wave:  :rainbow:

I enjoyed this fairytale in Pandora and it sings even more here! I offer a few words substitutions below (keeping your snippets) for your musing.

This is a great tale and I will be back again to re-read it and enjoy!  :lovie:

Well done!
~Cleo  :cloud9:

{add} [delete]

Rainbow in the Sky  - A Fairy Tale  (revised)

A miserable king [, called Seamus,] lived in a castle on the Emerald Isle.  He ruled his kingdom through fear and punishment.

One sunny spring morning, King Seamus woke up in a very bad mood.  He saw his [subjects] {citizens} enjoying the sunshine.  The grass was green, edged with beautiful flowers. People were happy, wearing brightly coloured clothes and gold jewellery.  King Seamus was angry.  He was miserable so he thought [that] his [subjects] {citizens} ought to be miserable too.  He would teach those cheerful people a lesson[.] {!}  He summoned the castle leprechaun and ordered him to remove all colours from the kingdom.


With a shamrock, a jig and a special spell, colour was restored to the World, never to be taken away again. Patrick and Rainbow were welcomed as heroes.  However{,} King Seamus was furious and ordered his guards to arrest the culprits and throw them in the dungeon. The poor heroes were never seen again.

Their brave efforts{, by no means} will [n]ever be forgotten.  Patrick was renamed Saint Patrick and, whenever a rainbow appears in the sky, we are reminded of a brave little leprechaun who gave his life for a world full of beautiful colours.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Lori

Thanks for your suggestions which I will incorporate later.  I'm glad you enjoyed the first fairytale I have tried to write.



Nina