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A Smile (revision 1), Senryu |
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Jul 18 08, 15:48
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 11,412
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.
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A Smile
No luminous trace; yet it brightens every soul within its aura.
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First Draft
No luminous trace Yet it brightens every soul Caught within its path
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Jul 23 08, 05:52
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Ain't this the truth, Larry. I find the simpliest smile can turn a sour mood into a bright one, and it's contagious too! I'm tossed on the word 'path' and will think on a suggestion there for you. Keep smiling! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jul 23 08, 16:22
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 11,412
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.
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Hey Lori,
Thanks for the visit and the read/input. I had qualms about "path" also but threw it out there to see if it would pass muster. It didn't! Hope you like the revision.
Larry
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Jul 24 08, 05:42
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Ooh - I much more prefer the idea of 'aura' over 'path' Larry. Two more thoughts for L3: alluring aura (for alliteration) OR enchanted aura. Cheers ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jul 25 08, 03:26
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 698
Joined: 29-May 06
From: US East Coast
Member No.: 185
Real Name: Peggy Harwood
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:just wandered in
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Hi Larry,
Great change to "within its aura." Aura is more all-encompassing and prettier. Peggy
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Aug 2 08, 11:11
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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What lovely sentiments, Larry. I like the cahange to within its aura - much better than path. I am wondering about 'yet' in L2. I am no expert in Haiku, but know that conciseness is best and feel that 'yet' is a bit of a filler word. Perhaps brighteneing every soulJust a thought Snow
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Aug 20 08, 06:01
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 783
Joined: 24-July 07
From: South Africa
Member No.: 457
Real Name: Walter Schwim
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Mistral
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Hi Larry, Good work, I too am no expert in this form but I do think the three lines must interact in such a way that final line is a conclusion or argument that makes the thought stick. In this case it simply completes the sentence so is not a true senru. A simple shuffle though does the trick as everything was already there. May I suggest:
The aura of a smile (sets the subject) while leaving no luminous trace (makes a statement about the subject) brightens every soul.(conclusion to fix the thought)
This was a delightful and clever piece.
Hugs, Wally
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Aug 26 08, 08:52
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 698
Joined: 29-May 06
From: US East Coast
Member No.: 185
Real Name: Peggy Harwood
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:just wandered in
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Hi Larry,
Just a piece of info I picked up very recently when two of my best senryus were rejected for publication in a haiku/senryu-only on-line magazine: The editors said the form should never have a title. Mine had titles that were integral parts of the poem.
Peggy
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Guest_ohsteve_*
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Aug 28 08, 15:38
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Guest
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Larry as I said in 'Hugs' I don't mind titles and what do editors know anyway...lol. I liked the new version much more than the first. Steve
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