Indian Summer (revision 2), Crit *** Options

[Eisa]

It seems a long time ago now, but in Sept/Oct we had a wonderful patch of late summer weather which inspired me to write this:

Indian Summer (revision 3)

Spirit in the mist
swirls, rushing back
to kiss my cool cheek.
Fervid breath seduces
-- swallows linger
in brittle reeds.

Downturned lips lift;
though daylight lessens
shadows vanish, teased
by sultry caresses.

Arms entwine to waltz
in a kaleidoscope
of copper and lime
leaves cast across
a baked terrain.

East wind blasts
a spangled rime --
passions morphing into brume.

Further Tweaks

St:1 missed excites (as it is similar to the next word seduces)

St4: Line with 'cast' is moved down to be nearer to 'blast' in next stanza.

Last stanza: Frost changed to 'rime' - to lime with 'lime' in previous st.
'gloom' changed to ' brume' (mist) ... so poem starts and ends with the mist
-----------------------------------------------

Indian Summer (revision 1)

Drifting into mist
he swirls around, rushing back
to kiss my cool cheek.
His fervid breath excites,
seducing swallows
to linger in brittle reeds.

His blaze lifts
my downturned lips
as daylight lessens;
shadows vanish.
I'm dizzy under
his sultry caress.

Casting leaves, I clasp his hand
-- entwined we waltz
in a kaleidoscope
of copper and lime
gliding across a baked terrain.

Suddenly, east wind blasts
a frosty shroud --
he fades into the gloom.

--------------------------------------------

Indian Summer (original)

Drifting into mist
he swirls around, rushing back
to kiss my cool cheek.
His fervid breath excites,
seducing swallows
to linger in brittle reeds.

His blaze lifts
my downturned lips
as daylight lessens;
shadows vanish.
I dizzy under
his sultry caress.

Casting leaves, I clasp his hand
and dance entwined
amongst a kaleidoscope
of waltzing copper and lime
settling on a baked terrain.

Suddenly, east wind blasts
a frosty shroud --
he fades into the gloom.

[Psyche]

Hi Snow, I heard about your Indian summer from my brother, who lives in Britain. I believe it confounded things a little, by sprouting buds and upsetting the swallows & other birds' migratory patterns, is that so?

It seems a long time ago now, but in Sept/Oct we had a wonderful patch of late summer weather which inspired me to write this:

Indian Summer <<<<<<<I wonder where that originated, must look it up, too late now.

Drifting into mist
he swirls around, rushing back
to kiss my cool cheek.
His fervid breath excites,
seducing swallows
to linger in brittle reeds. <<<<<<<<<Nice imagery!

I like your opening stanza, but not sure about "fervid". Maybe it's archaic?


His blaze lifts
my downturned lips
as daylight lessens;
shadows vanish.
I dizzy under <<<<<<I suppose you intentionally verbalised 'dizzy', but if so shouldn't it have a D.O.?

his sultry caress.

Casting leaves, I clasp his hand
and dance entwined
amongst a kaleidoscope
of waltzing copper and lime
settling on a baked terrain.

Lovely images, but there seems to be something a little wrong in this stanza. You have 'dance' as well as 'waltzing', but I'm not sure who you're actually dancing with...

Perhaps:

Casting leaves, I clasp his hand
and we waltz entwined
in a kaleidoscope
of copper and lime
settling on a baked terrain. <<<'settling' seems a bit static to me. Perhaps some term suggesting a gentle movement. Leaves tend to drift, waft, rustle or something.

But it still seems to need some changes. I'm just playing around. And was it so hot that the terrain was 'baked'? The qualifier would go better for a desert scenario, just my view!!


Suddenly, east wind blasts
a frosty shroud --
he fades into the gloom.

Great finale. I also happen to know that it's windy & sleety now...LOL...

About the personalisation, I find it a bit of a mystery. Do you refer to the 'Indian Summer', in which case perhaps the poet is dreaming of a handsome Hindu gentleman. I'd go for that!! Pity he fades into the gloom....

I'm so glad you've become inspired and posted this lovely poem!

[Eisa]

Hi Syl - thank you for giving some thoughts on this. I'm sorry to be a bit late returning to it.

Hi Snow, I heard about your Indian summer from my brother, who lives in Britain. I believe it confounded things a little, by sprouting buds and upsetting the swallows & other birds' migratory patterns, is that so?

Yes - the warm weather certainly confused nature, in fact its mild for January now and wild flowers are appearing early.

It seems a long time ago now, but in Sept/Oct we had a wonderful patch of late summer weather which inspired me to write this:

Indian Summer <<<<<<<I wonder where that originated, must look it up, too late now.

I think I looked in Wikipedia

Drifting into mist
he swirls around, rushing back
to kiss my cool cheek.
His fervid breath excites,
seducing swallows
to linger in brittle reeds. <<<<<<<<<Nice imagery!

I like your opening stanza, but not sure about "fervid". Maybe it's archaic?


I was looking for an alternative to 'hot' and fervid not only means very hot but also intense emotion
His blaze lifts
my downturned lips
as daylight lessens;
shadows vanish.
I dizzy under <<<<<<I suppose you intentionally verbalised 'dizzy', but if so shouldn't it have a D.O.?

'dizzy' was a bit of an experient really. I originally thought of 'swoon'. Perhaps 'I'm dizzy' would sound better.

his sultry caress.

Casting leaves, I clasp his hand
and dance entwined
amongst a kaleidoscope
of waltzing copper and lime
settling on a baked terrain.

Lovely images, but there seems to be something a little wrong in this stanza. You have 'dance' as well as 'waltzing', but I'm not sure who you're actually dancing with...

Perhaps:

Casting leaves, I clasp his hand
and we waltz entwined
in a kaleidoscope
of copper and lime
settling on a baked terrain. <<<'settling' seems a bit static to me. Perhaps some term suggesting a gentle movement. Leaves tend to drift, waft, rustle or something.

Yes - I wondered about the 'dance/ waltz' problem too and I like your suggestion. I was originally meaning that I settled on the ground, but quite like your thoughts - something to think on.

But it still seems to need some changes. I'm just playing around. And was it so hot that the terrain was 'baked'? The qualifier would go better for a desert scenario, just my view!!


Well, the ground certainly felt baked on the day I am thinking of

Suddenly, east wind blasts
a frosty shroud --
he fades into the gloom.

Great finale. I also happen to know that it's windy & sleety now...LOL...

About the personalisation, I find it a bit of a mystery. Do you refer to the 'Indian Summer', in which case perhaps the poet is dreaming of a handsome Hindu gentleman. I'd go for that!! Pity he fades into the gloom....

I was refering to the 'Indian Summer' in the personalisation. I think he reader can read into it what they like really. Yes - pity he fades away, but Indian Summers always do eventually.

I'm so glad you've become inspired and posted this lovely poem!

I'm glad too, Syl - I thought I'd lost my muse forever!

[Larry]

Hi Snow,

Glad to hear you are feeling a bit better. I enjoyed your "Indian Summer" and think the revised version is a little better although I liked the original as well.

Down here in Southern Louisiana, we have had a number of springlike and summerlike days since the solstice.

Since both of you are wondering where the term "Indian Summer" originated, let me elucidate. It was first used in colonial days by the settlers of the "New World" to designate a time when the native indians raided their crops and livestock. If there was snow on the ground, the indians could be apprehended by following their tracks in the snow but if the weather was warm and summerlike,the snow melted and the indians could take what they wanted and return to their winter camps without leaving a trail to follow.

Again, enjoyed the read.

Larry

[Psyche]

Hi Snow!

Finally back, as promised...

I'm glad I was a bit helpful in some ways. I like your revision very much. It seems to flow far better with the new qualifiers you've used, such as linger and glide. I'm always amazed at how some ideas prompt the author to come up with better ones!

Yes, one can interpret the "he" in different ways. But it has to apply to a man! LOL....Dreaming, huh?


And thank you very much, Larry, for explaining the meaning of Indian Summer. I'd never have thought of such an origin on my own! I suppose one has to move into the context of those times, otherwise it poses a problem, at least for me. Here in S.A. it's pejorative to call original dwellers "indians". That's why I imagined a Hindu gentleman!

Love to all,
Syl***

[Eisa]

Hi Snow,

Glad to hear you are feeling a bit better. I enjoyed your "Indian Summer" and think the revised version is a little better although I liked the original as well.

Down here in Southern Louisiana, we have had a number of springlike and summerlike days since the solstice.

Since both of you are wondering where the term "Indian Summer" originated, let me elucidate. It was first used in colonial days by the settlers of the "New World" to designate a time when the native indians raided their crops and livestock. If there was snow on the ground, the indians could be apprehended by following their tracks in the snow but if the weather was warm and summerlike,the snow melted and the indians could take what they wanted and return to their winter camps without leaving a trail to follow.

Again, enjoyed the read.

Larry

Thanks Larry ... and for refreshing my memory as to the term 'Indian Summer'.

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Syl

Thanks for returning to this - I'm glad you think it is improved (thanks to your help)

Good to see you!
Hugs
Snow

[Thoth]

That dammed east wlnd! This is a lovely sketch Snow, with alternate interpretations shrouded by metaphore. I love the revision an have no nits. Beautiful!
Hugs,
Wally.

[Eisa]

That dammed east wlnd! This is a lovely sketch Snow, with alternate interpretations shrouded by metaphore. I love the revision an have no nits. Beautiful!
Hugs,
Wally.

Hi Wally

It is good to 'see' you and I'm glad you enjoyed the revision. No nits ... phew! that's good.
Hugs
Snow

[AMETHYST]

Oh my Snow, this is lovely -

I love the fall, but Indian Summer brings back the most meaningful memories of childhood for me, as did your poem. The sensations you've created brought back remembrances that I could actually close my eyes and feel... the romance, the hearts sense of contentment and excitment - it is all flowing through me within your words.

Some thoughts and applause to follow -

Big Hugs, Liz

Indian Summer (revision)

Excellent Title. As Indian Summer can mean many things to many different people, it is the second chance of a soul's warming, to prepare for winter, it is renewal of bonds and relationships, it is so much. This multi-association is something that will quickly draw in a reader, curious to see and feel what lies within.

Drifting into mist
he swirls around, rushing back
to kiss my cool cheek.
His fervid breath excites,
seducing swallows
to linger in brittle reeds.

I like the assonance of drifting into mist; and although I don't think it important to reconsider, I would like to leave an alternative, merely to freshen up drifting. It is often used to describe such a feeling, or view. But then again, it works. Another alternative might be 'Wisps of mist' or 'wisping into mist" or perhaps ... flitting into mist ... hmmm, perhaps Drifting into mist is just fine as is! HAHAHA ...

I absolutely loved the building of the inner sensuality that S1 brings to light. How, the warm breeze on a lovely Indian Summer day, transforms into nature's lover -

His blaze lifts
my downturned lips
as daylight lessens;
shadows vanish.
I'm dizzy under
his sultry caress.

Great follow up into S2. The only thought I had was an alternative for dizzy (perhaps giddy) which brings to mind a more light and playful image to match the loveliness of the poem.

Casting leaves, I clasp his hand
-- entwined we waltz
in a kaleidoscope
of copper and lime
gliding across a baked terrain.

Lovely images and movement here. S3, brings a sense of twirling and folly to life.

Suddenly, east wind blasts
a frosty shroud --
he fades into the gloom.

Excellent ending...


Snow, the only thought I had that I would have liked was a change from his/him he, we, I etc and made to open up interpretation for the reader,

An quick example:

Swaying blaze lifts
downturned lips
as daylight lessens;
shadows vanish.
so dizzy under
such sultry caress.

Of course, these suggestions are weak and not really offered suggestion, just an example to show where you might take it in the future. However, I adored it as is and with that said, leave with BIG HUGS,

[Eisa]

Oh my Snow, this is lovely -

I love the fall, but Indian Summer brings back the most meaningful memories of childhood for me, as did your poem. The sensations you've created brought back remembrances that I could actually close my eyes and feel... the romance, the hearts sense of contentment and excitment - it is all flowing through me within your words.

Some thoughts and applause to follow -

Big Hugs, Liz

Hi Liz - I'm so glad you like this one. The Indian Summer we had here in UK was my inspiration.

Indian Summer (revision)

Excellent Title. As Indian Summer can mean many things to many different people, it is the second chance of a soul's warming, to prepare for winter, it is renewal of bonds and relationships, it is so much. This multi-association is something that will quickly draw in a reader, curious to see and feel what lies within.

I always feel more ready to face winter if we have a lovely hot spell in autumn. We were very lucky last autumn.

Drifting into mist
he swirls around, rushing back
to kiss my cool cheek.
His fervid breath excites,
seducing swallows
to linger in brittle reeds.

I like the assonance of drifting into mist; and although I don't think it important to reconsider, I would like to leave an alternative, merely to freshen up drifting. It is often used to describe such a feeling, or view. But then again, it works. Another alternative might be 'Wisps of mist' or 'wisping into mist" or perhaps ... flitting into mist ... hmmm, perhaps Drifting into mist is just fine as is! HAHAHA ...

I absolutely loved the building of the inner sensuality that S1 brings to light. How, the warm breeze on a lovely Indian Summer day, transforms into nature's lover -

I have been thinking that 'drifting' is a little cliche here. I've used that word so many times I love the word 'wisp' but don't feel it has the right meaning. I've given itmuch thought and I'm going to try taking this line in a slightly new direction. I feel there is already a lot of movement at the beginning - swirling - rushing, so I'm going to bring in the idea of a spirit in the mist - spirit of summer/ lover etc. Not sure it works.

His blaze lifts
my downturned lips
as daylight lessens;
shadows vanish.
I'm dizzy under
his sultry caress.

Great follow up into S2. The only thought I had was an alternative for dizzy (perhaps giddy) which brings to mind a more light and playful image to match the loveliness of the poem.

I love the word 'giddy' and will definitely use

Casting leaves, I clasp his hand
-- entwined we waltz
in a kaleidoscope
of copper and lime
gliding across a baked terrain.

Lovely images and movement here. S3, brings a sense of twirling and folly to life.

Suddenly, east wind blasts
a frosty shroud --
he fades into the gloom.

Excellent ending...


Snow, the only thought I had that I would have liked was a change from his/him he, we, I etc and made to open up interpretation for the reader,

You are so right - I'm working on an old poem now, trying to get rid of some of the I's.It does make for a more polished poem.

An quick example:

Swaying blaze lifts
downturned lips
as daylight lessens;
shadows vanish.
so dizzy under
such sultry caress.

Of course, these suggestions are weak and not really offered suggestion, just an example to show where you might take it in the future. However, I adored it as is and with that said, leave with BIG HUGS,

Well, you have really inspired me on this, Liz. I have done as you suggested and bandoned many of the he/we/I etc, which I hope gives it a more mysetrious feel. Also done a bit more tweaking back. I'm still not sure about some changes though.
Anyway, I'll give my revision another read through and post it.

Hugs
Snow

[Eisa]

I've now thought or 2 alternatives for L1 -

Snow

[Psyche]

Hey Snow, I love your revision, tho' you know we've all liked your poem from your very first post! Do keep all alternatives...LOL..

I'm glad you've kept it in first person most of the time. Personally, I'm not drawn to distancing oneself from passionate poems, unless of course you use 3rd. person when it's concerning somebody else. You've kept enough poetical "me's" to retain the power of your lines.

There's this ongoing "show, don't tell" issue, but 80% of the best classics would have to be thrown out if we attempt that...LOL... starting with the Homeric tales.

IMHO, the universality of the "poetical me/I" appears to have been misunderstood along the way. You're not necessarily telling stuff about yourself when you use it. You're "touching" the reader, getting closer.

Anyway, I think you got it just right, love, Syl***

[Eisa]

Hey Snow, I love your revision, tho' you know we've all liked your poem from your very first post! Do keep all alternatives...LOL..

I'm glad you've kept it in first person most of the time. Personally, I'm not drawn to distancing oneself from passionate poems, unless of course you use 3rd. person when it's concerning somebody else. You've kept enough poetical "me's" to retain the power of your lines.

There's this ongoing "show, don't tell" issue, but 80% of the best classics would have to be thrown out if we attempt that...LOL... starting with the Homeric tales.

IMHO, the universality of the "poetical me/I" appears to have been misunderstood along the way. You're not necessarily telling stuff about yourself when you use it. You're "touching" the reader, getting closer.

Anyway, I think you got it just right, love, Syl***

LOL! Thanks Syl, you know how I can't leave my poems alone until I feel they are just right! --and I always keep my alternatives for future reference! Haha!

Yes, I found I did not like this without a few me's - makes it more personal, passionate!

Yes - 80% of the classics would certinly be thrown out for many 'modern' reasons ... and yes I have written poems using 'me' when it's not about me at all, just being poetic Haha!

Nice to see you in this thread again - you have made me feel more confident that the changes made are good ones.

Thanks!
Hugs
Snow

[Arnfinn]

G'day Snow

My thoughts

Indian Summer (revision 3)

Spirit in the mist
swirls, rushing back
to kiss my cool cheek.
Fervid breath seduces< Not in tune with nature. cajoles, invites. Otherwise, the verse should have sexual references throughout.
swallows to linger
in brittle reeds.

Downturned lips lift;
though daylight lessens
shadows vanish, teased
by sultry caresses. Yep, here is the sexy stuff.

Arms entwine to waltz
in a kaleidoscope< A kaleidoscope (many colours) is not two colours copper and lime. Try, blend, variety, assortment,jumble, medley, amalgam.
of copper and lime
leaves cast across
a baked terrain.

East wind blasts
a spangled rime --
passions fading into brume.< brume> ? Why not identify: fog, cloud, haze, vapour?

The reader only reads what is understandable,

The last line (key) would be lost,

When I read poetry I do not reach for a dictionary.

The last line in your poem is a defining statement.

It should be the explanation and summing-up of the unfolding plot not a blank.

Regards,

John

[Eisa]

Hi John - how good to see you here!

Thanks for offering your ideas - I'll have to return to this and consider themlater as I am in the middle of revising another poem right now.

Snow