 Bright Island, love poem |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
| Guest_ohsteve_* |
 Feb 13 06, 01:51
Post
#1
|
  |
You are my bright island
in a dark sea. My Sapphire waters wash upon your toes. My foamy waves disappear into your warm golden sands. My south wind cools your tropic heat to a tepid smile. Long lashes loom over your turquoise eyes I see my sweet seduction and surrender there. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You are my bright island in a dark sea. My Sapphire waters wash upon your toes. My foamy waves disappear into your warm golden sands. My south wind warms your sultry smile to a tropical blush of passionate heat. Long lashes loom over your turquoise eyes I see my sweet seduction and surrender there. |
  
|
|
| Guest_Nina_* |
Feb 13 06, 02:14
Post
#2
|
|
|
Hi Steve
Some lovely imagery and great use of the island and sea metaphor. Very romantic. The only part I wondered about was: My south wind cools your tropic heat to a tepid smile. which seems to dampen down the seduction and passion felt. Thanks for the read, enjoyed. Nina |
|
|
|
|
Feb 13 06, 04:06
Post
#3
|
|
 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
You are my bright island
in a dark sea. My Sapphire waters wash upon your toes. My foamy waves disappear into your warm golden sands. My south wind cools your tropic heat to a tepid smile. Long lashes loom over your turquoise eyes I see my sweet seduction and surrender there. Hi Steve Lovely images here -- very romantic. I have to agree with Nina about L7/8, which does seen to cool the scene down and not lead onto the seduction of the last line. Perhaps start off with coolness and built up the warmth to end in seduction. Snow ·······  ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner            |
|
|
|
| Guest_ohsteve_* |
Feb 13 06, 11:43
Post
#4
|
|
|
Nina and Snow thanks for reading, after rereading you are correct i will have to change the line to something else see the revision and tell me if it is better?
Steve |
|
|
|
|
Feb 13 06, 12:22
Post
#5
|
|
|
Ornate Oracle  Posts: 4,592 Joined: 31-October 03 From: New Jersey Member No.: 39 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Larry Carr |
Steve,
Very nice imagery. I tend to agree with the ladies on this one....perhaps you might consider something like the following: My south wind fans your tepid heat to a tropic smile. JLY ······· ·······Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner       |
|
|
|
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:
|
|
Lo-Fi Version | Time is now: 28th April 2024 - 09:08 |
Read our FLYERS - click below
|
| more Quotes |
| ||
|
|
|
|
