PASSAGE Options

[Psyche]

Edited thanks to suggestions by Lori & Cathy, thank you very much !!



Passage

When storm clouds shriek and all above
   Is fury, remember our wise adage:
One lissome flight of doves
   Is worth myriad bitter days.

Should footfalls fade, don’t suffer pain
   Nor yearn for swift reprieve;
A mellow breeze, soft drops of rain
   May soothe your heart: don’t grieve!

Perchance I shall return, our constant
   Love a-sparkle, before the sunlight sets;
Yet I divine a voyage star-distant,
   To realms bright, beyond regrets.

Consent, if need, bleak tears your noon
   To dull, should you still mourn for me;
Better by far to hum blithe tunes  
   And dance content… around our linden-tree.

By Psyche

Copyright: Sylvia Maclagan, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2005.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Sylvia

A sad but heartwarming poem of love and loss.

The images I get is perhaps the lover reading a message from the narrator after her (or his) death.  It says that though the lover may be under a cloud of anger, depression, grief that he should remember the love they had as a shining light in all the darkness, worth all the pain and sadness.  The narrator asks that her lover not be too sad nor wish to take his own life in order to be with her.  She says let grief be grey  and not black and to imagine her on a journey to distant stars, looking down at him, watching over him.  She wants him not to grieve her loss but tp celebrate the special love that they shared.


thanks for the read

Nina

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Sylvia,

Beautiful tribute for a lost loved one.  



When storm clouds shriek and all above
  Is fury, remember our wise adage:
One lissom flight of doves
  Is worth myriad squally days. I like these two lines. A day of love is
worth whatever pain to have.
Should footfalls fade, don’t suffer pain
  Nor yearn for swift reprieve;
A mellow breeze and drops of rain
  May soothe your heart: don’t grieve!  The lost one not wanting the
other to suffer at his/her loss.  So sweet!

Perchance I shall return -our constant
  Love a-sparkle- before the sunlight sets;
Yet I divine a voyage star-distant,
  To realms bright, beyond regrets. Envisioning a life among the stars
where pain and regrets no longer exist.
Consent, if need, bleak tears your noon I am confused here, I'm not sure
what you're saying.  I keep wanting to read "bleakness turns your noon to
grey ..."
  To grey, if you should mourn for me;
Better by far to hum blithe tunes  
  And dance content… around our linden-tree.

Even though I don't quite understand that one stanza it's still a very beautiful
read!

Cathy

[Psyche]

Hi Nina !  :sun:

Yes, that's right. It's about love after death, maybe messages from "beyond".
Of course, it can also be what goes on in the mind of the bereaved person, telling her/himself what the dead person would wish....

This sort of thing is always under discussion, isn't it?

Thanks so much for reading and commenting, Nina. As you can see, I was just trying to imitate an old-fashioned style of poetry. I like to try my hand at it...  :turtle:

Hugs,
Sylvia  :wave:

[Psyche]

G'mornin' Cathy !  :sun:

Did you know that I'm 5 hours behind you Brits, here in Argentina? I sometimes feel guilty because my replies seem terribly delayed, especially if I get some hectic days when I can't cope at all...  :oops:

Yes, Cathy, the part you don't understand troubles me also. It's just out of the oven and I was trying my hand at some good old-fashioned poetry...

I'll revise and see what's to be done. Any suggestions welcome !! There is no syllable count, just alternate end rhymes.

Hugs and I'm glad you enjoyed the read, Cathy.
Sylvia  :turtle:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Very pretty Sylvia.

This one has an old-world feel that I enjoy in your writings, with some well placed alliteration too.  :arwen:

There are a few places where your meter doesn't remain a constant, so I'll ask if that is something important for you (if not, no worries) and reply again.

In some ways, I think this would read a tad better as four stanzas instead of two (for emphasis), but that is completely up to you.

I'll be back again Sylvia.
~Cleo  :sun:

(comment) [add] {delete}

When storm clouds shriek and all above
  Is fury, remember our wise adage:
One {lissom} [lissome] flight of doves
  Is worth myriad bitter days.
Should footfalls fade, don’t suffer pain
  Nor yearn for swift reprieve;
A mellow breeze and drops of rain  (how about: a mellow breeze, soft drops of rain)
  May soothe your heart: don’t grieve!

Perchance I shall return, our constant
  Love a-sparkle, before the sunlight sets;
Yet I divine a voyage star-distant,
  To realms bright, beyond regrets.
Consent, if need, bleak tears your noon
  To dull, should you still mourn for me;
Better by far to hum blithe tunes  
  And dance content… around our linden-tree.

[Psyche]

Hi Lori !  :sun:

So glad u stopped by !!

This poem has no metre, just rhyme. Still, if you think it needs some balancing, do give it any tweaks you think advisable, without syllable count, natch.

I'll change to "lissome" in deference to our Super Admin...  :grinning: , altho' it actually figures either way in my Oxford dic.  :)

I also like the other change you made in L3 of S2, so I'll proceed to edit right away.

With the four stanzas instead of two, yes siree, Super Admin !!

Your advice is invaluable, thanks so much, Lori  :cloud9:

Cheers,
Sylvia  :turtle:  :snail:

[Psyche]

There, it's done, Lori & Cathy !!

Looks much better now, thank you so much.

Yes, I wanted to achieve an old-worldish poem, what the heck, it's fun to go back in time and learn from the classics. I especially enjoy Elizabeth Barrett Browning and Christina Rosetti, among others !!

Cheers to all,
Sylvia  :turtle:  :snail:

[Guest_Maxim_*]

Hi Psyche

It looks as though I arrived too late to crit this piece, which is fortunate because I have no crits to make!

I just wanted to say that I feel this is a great poem. I love the way you have managed to poignantly capture loss yet be hopeful, comforting and positive, and ingeniously from the perspective of the one making the 'Passage' - and so much meaning in that single word! - Great Job!

Thanks for sharing.

MaXiM

[AMETHYST]

Hi Pyche,

Very emotionally intense poetry. The inner rhymes bounce off one another with ease, as does the end rhymes, many of which are so smooth and uninterruptive that it brought a silky feel to my ear when read aloud. A sad, yet poigant poem. The critiques already left are excellent feed back and I've read this several times and hadn't come across any line that felt clumsy. So I too, have no nits to offer--just a thumbs up and encouragement to keep these poems and the beautiful blend of meter and rhyme present for our enjoyment and contemplation.


Best Wishes, Liz

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Sylvia,

This is lovely - it does indeed remind me of Rossetti (wonderful). The ending is especially poignant as the lover says cry if it helps, but better to be content to have known such love and dance on.

No suggestions to offer, but a question: you seem to have alternate rhymes in each verse except for the the first? Is that something deliberate or a slip in editing?

above
adage:
doves
days.

pain
reprieve;
rain
grieve!

constant
sets;
star-distant,
regrets.

noon
me;
tunes  
linden-tree.

Hugs

Fran

[Psyche]

Hi Maxim !  :sun:

Thank you for dropping by and making comments. I'm glad you enjoyed the read. I was trying to copy old classics...  :oops:  maybe I've been relatively succesful...  ???

and ingeniously from the perspective of the one making the 'Passage' - and so much meaning in that single word! - Great Job!

I'm glad you noticed that. It just came to me that way, but I suppose it's kind of different. Hope so !!

Hugs,
Sylvia  :turtle:

[Psyche]

Hi Liz !  :sun:

I'm really delighted that you've enjoyed my poem and made such nice comments, especially coming from somebody like you, who understands about R&R much more than I do. This one doesn't have metre, it was all I could do to handle the rhyming...  :laugh:  :oops:

I like to write in old-fashioned style now and then. It's so romantic and tragic, all at once !!

Hugs and thank you,
Sylvia  :turtle:

[Psyche]

Hi Fran !  :sun:

Goodie, I'm relieved to know that it reminds you of Rosetti... that's conforting, coz it didn't come easy to me...  :upside:  ???

above
adage:
doves
days.

These are, actually, alternate rhymes. Except that they are called "imperfect rhymes". They are used quite often, even in classical stuff. The trouble with the word "love", for example, is that it only rhymes with "dove" in a perfect fashion, so one tries to avoid "love" at the end of a line.

There is no harm in putting one word in the plural and the other in the singular, either, such as "above" and "doves". It's accepted procedure.

As for "adage" and "days", well, those are also imperfect rhyming words. The stress is on different syllables, the words don't have the same amount of syllables, and all that, but unless one is a stickler for perfect rhymes, then in my opinion they're OK.

But still, I'm always open to better suggestions and would love to receive any more that might come my way, on this stanza and the others !!  

Hugs many thanks, Fran,
Sylvia  :turtle:

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Sylvia,

I'm not sure what I did to help but I'm glad that I did!  *smiles*
I too like the sound and feel of old-fashioned poetry, I just have
trouble writing it!  You on the other hand do a wonderful job!

Oh BTW, I'm not a Brit, although I wish I were.  I'm in the good ole
USA so I don't know what our time difference would be.

Cathy

[Psyche]

Hi Sylvia,

I'm not sure what I did to help but I'm glad that I did!  *smiles*
I too like the sound and feel of old-fashioned poetry, I just have
trouble writing it!  You on the other hand do a wonderful job!

Oh BTW, I'm not a Brit, although I wish I were.  I'm in the good ole
USA so I don't know what our time difference would be.

Cathy

Hi Cathy !  :sun:

Well, you're the Critical Chieftain, so you must have helped me a great deal !!

Sorry about the Brit part, I was sure you lived in Britain. Why do you wish you were a Brit? Do tell !!  :cool:  

Anyway, thanks again, you're always so supportive,
Hugs,
Sylvia  :cheer:

[Cybele]

Hello  dear sylvia,

Late again! Sorry.  

A poem after the style of Christina, how grand!

You capture her style very well here and the

Better by far ..

line in the last verse had me smiling after the sadness of reading what went before.

Of course you know this appealed to me very much don't you? - and it lightened my heart.  Thank you for the read my friend.

[Psyche]

Dear Grace !  :sun:

In your case, at least, it's certainly better late than never !!

Your opinion on my "Rossetti" efforts are highly valued. And yes, I like to capture the style of those uplifting endings that she sometimes uses to deftly bring a smile to one's face, after tragic thoughts. Or something like that...  :cool:     Not leave you in a black mood, that's it !

So we'll dance around the linden tree, won't we? And go on reading Christina and Omar Khayyàm and all that stuff, even if we have to hide it under the bed !!!  :jester:

Actually, I now feel in the mood for some minimal poetry... Isn't it fun to be able to experiment with all styles?!

Thank you, Grace,
love,
Sylvia  :lovie: