The Meaning of Life and Everything, Do you know the answer ? Options

[Guest__*]

Question A
I am sixteen stone and seven foot tall,
and I want to be a jockey.

Is it worthwhile my going on a diet to achieve this aim
and make this my chosen career?


Question B
I would like to be a professional violinist.
Sadly, I am tone deaf, and cannot read music.

Will I ever succeed in my ambition to play first violin with
any of the great orchestras of the world ?


Question C
I believe that mixing soil with bird droppings
is a form of artistic expression, and I don't need to study
the craft of sculptoring.

Will I be good enough to follow a successful career in this
field and maintain myself in a reasonable life style ?

************************

These problems were posed in a poetry forum.  Without recourse to idealistic day dreams, can you advise any of the above supplicants on which direction they should take to obtain the best optimum benefits from their three score years and ten ?

Tom

[Cleo_Serapis]

Ahh Tom!

And I thought this was a Monty Python tile!  

Ummmmm - the Meaning of Life - a good one to challenge us all!

     :drill:      

"Would Mouseur care for a thin mint? It's wafer thin!"

"I can't eat another bite! I'm absolutely stuffed!".....

[Guest__*]

Dear Mr Hirst

I have your letter in front of me, and will quote to you the portion I wish to give my major attention to :

"I believe that mixing soil with bird droppings
is a form of artistic expression, and I don't need to study
the craft of sculptoring.

Will I be good enough to follow a successful career in this
field and maintain myself in a reasonable life style ?"

Artistic expression is in the eye of the creator of the artistic work. In order to successfully palce it also in the eye of the paying public, it is necessary to employ all the tricks and skills of the modern spin-doctor and/or PR man.

Whether the piece itself has any artistic merit can be debated endlessly in the arts pages of the pretentious newspapers and magazines. Whether the piece will find a home in some crass art collector's home, or in a supercillious mdern museum, is the point to address.

Art has to shock. I don't mean the communication of the art, rather, in it's materials. Take for instance an empty space. The artistic possibilities are literally endless. It opens the viewer up to infinite understanding and conjecture, debate, and with luck, fisticuffs between rival art "critics" on prime time television. Thus has great "communication" happened, and the artist is the responsible person for giving the broad public such deep insight.

Take, for example, at random, elephant droppings. Should someone decide to position a collection of these, carefully fumigated and preserved, in a certain juxtaposition to each other, and give them a title, for example, Christ at ablutions on the 4th day, this will lead to endless debate, severe criticism from the religionists, and many acres of newsprint. Thus is great art achieved, and with luck, sufficient income from the art establishment to afford you years of random material-choosing and naming of ordure in multiplyhigh-flown ways. (Some would cheaply categorise this as "punning")

I look forward to following your career, and wish you all success.

Prof. Art Isaripoff, CON, F.Art, B.A.Drivel

[Arnfinn]

What!...Tom...This is ssssssssssssoooooooooo simple.


No1...'listen me boy.........Ya wont ta be a jockey...I am gonna make you a STAR   '

'Here's 60 thousand bucks......Sendin you to the Fruidelstien UUUUUUUUUUUUNIvesiiiiiity   No 1...Arts Degree...Major in Honours...In Accoustic Apreeeeeeeeeeeciation Honors in Goth black cult dipsee doodle   A thesis in the construction and manipulation of the Clarinetttttttttttt n' the Souzahphone.     No 2...Doctorate...n' Medicine........Triple Honors...including honoris causa ....Plastic Surgery...n' metallurgy.'

'Youzzzzzzzzzz are gonna to Graduate.........Azzzzzzz The best Lookin Disk Jockey..............Evva seen Bbbbbbbboyyyyyy,'

Arnie........Is settin you up forrrrrrrrrr Life. But wait! There's Moooooore    

Ya Metallurgy Degree in 'A' sharp Minor has put in your hands the ability to produce the finest CD'S.......Evah...seen Evahhhhhhhh.'


No 2 'Listen here young sweet maiden....Ya loves the Violin...Ya dream of playing the no1 fiddle in some highfuloottin...orchestriee. Well dear honeychile...got some bad news....Yeah!...My chickadeee....its come to me notice that ya dont no the difference between a G clef n' a dimple in a chin... an also ya off ta a bad start because ya think a score is sompthin ya get playing darts.......But girlie your going to be that violin ...Yeah...Your going ta be N0 1..  

I'm asendin yoooooou to with $80 thousand bucks to the Bulushi --Pat Universsssssssity   Set youp in No 1 Doctorate...n' Veterinary Science...(Rush Course)...   No2  Triple Honours degree . in Mechanical Engineering .........   Ya should graduate in about 60 days...

Then with your expertisee.....you'll become the manufacturer of the finest catgut int the world .......Yep! Your catgut strings will be used by all the No1 fiddlers in the world baby.........

Ya mightn't be pudshen the bow yaself but.........Ya Catgut.....will be makin the music........


No 3  Listen Son......Seeing Ya 21.....I've just bought ya Victoria Downs Cattle Station.....n' the Norther Territory.....She's 4000 square miles and runs 300,000 head of cattle.':cool:   'No Bullshit Dad' ?
'Fraid so son......and a hell of a lot of dust also.' But the worst thing is there is about 18 million Galahs up there and their shit outnumbers bullshit by about 10 to 1!'  

[Guest_Zeus˛_*]

Tom,

Some of my thoughts;                                                                      
Question A
I am sixteen stone and seven foot tall,
and I want to be a jockey.

Don't let your size be a deterrent. Explore the possibilities. I think on the savanna's of south africa, they have the annual pachyderms in heat races with large elephants, to wit: your size would be admirable in leading the charge or race. And you know the expression "beaten by a nose" well: make sure your mount has the largest schnozz.


Question B
I would like to be a professional violinist.
Sadly, I am tone deaf, and cannot read music.

There are two distinct possibilities for you to pursue. First get in good with the philanthropic group that funds the symphony. Then go to the finest cord store and get four pieces of string that resemble the cat gut strings that usually go on the violin. Assemble them on your instrument, develop erratic head and body movements when you are imitating playing the violin , keep your eyes closed. sweat profusely, and convince the conductor to give you at least the second chair. In time you might become the soloist.

Question C
I believe that mixing soil with bird droppings
is a form of artistic expression, and I don't need to study
the craft of sculpturing.

Now here you can really make your mark in the world. The idea is to take a trip to the Guano Islands off the coast of Peru. These are minor mountainous islands, but if you have the time, you can sculpt whatever you please, on the mountain side, similar to the presidential  faces of Mt Rushmore in South Dakota USA.
Maybe you can create something special using some of the ideas from questions A & B.

Larry

[Guest_Jox_*]

Tom, your agony aunt, Jane here. I'd just like to reassure you that everything will be ok. If you are worried, go to your doctor for the Morning-After Career. (Useful for the morning after you've punched the boss and done Quaver-crunching things with his secretary at the office Christmas party). In the meantime, these handy tips might help...

Question A
I am sixteen stone and seven foot tall, and I want to be a jockey. Is it worthwhile my going on a diet to achieve this aim and make this my chosen career?

Answer A: You only think you are that tall and heavy. Stop actually carrying the horse and the figures will look much better.

Question B
I would like to be a professional violinist. Sadly, I am tone deaf, and cannot read music. Will I ever succeed in my ambition to play first violin with any of the great orchestras of the world ?

Answer B: Evelyn Glenny is a top musician and totally deaf so stop whinging. All you have to do is find an orchestra which specialises in C20th “Classical” music and no one will notice.

Question C
I believe that mixing soil with bird droppings is a form of artistic expression, and I don't need to study the craft of sculpturing. Will I be good enough to follow a successful career in this field and maintain myself in a reasonable life style ?

Answer C: Absolutely! “GuanoMud” is the brand-name of this very special mix which is becoming increasingly popular with crap sculptors everywhere. Again, 20thC art gave us great pluralism. Why not sculpt faeces... call the exhibition something like ”Drop-Out”, get Shelter (the charity for the homeless) to sponsor it and sell the pieces after each exhibition. Anything you don’t manage to sell can be re-cycled to compost your small-holding, thus supplementing your food store and cutting your grocery bill.

Any more Qs?

Oh, by the way, Tom... It is actually 42.375. Douglas Adams made a slight miscalculation by transposing the number of teapots which one can fit in a light year and the number of greetings cards that each Astronomical Unit sends out each Christmas. As if that wasn't enough, he greatly underestimated the number of cream cakes which a dog can eat in a day. He thought it was five, when in fact it is infinity. Those two minor errors resulted in the 0.375 error. Make sense? tata.

Message to Cleo: "Oh dear! I think I've just stepped in Monsieur's bucket"..

J.