The Lamb in Winter** Revision**, sheep reared in Patagonia Options

[Psyche]

REVISION

White winds wail across steppes,
surging off Andean heights
to lash hardy and weak alike
in a fabric of untamed elements.

The lamb in winter
reclaimed by forces vaguely understood by man;
with thunder-fists the cordillera whips
sheep against fences,
for endless leagues the snow is king
wrenching life from gentle things.
Gaunt pumas limp down to feed their young
on guanacos with ice-blue lips.

September yearns for signs of Spring,
it’s birthing time for feeble ewes;
still the howling gale is pregnant
with wrath of vanished spirits
memory revisits;
of ancient tribes winka banished,
keepers of this land’s majestic hues
where sun, wind and melting glaciers
traced glades among pehuén
-the hungry pilgrim’s bread-
not paths for myriad cloven hoofs to tread.

The lamb in winter
forsaken on a raging land,
awesome cosmic dance
of snow-clouds exploding in the skies.
A lamb sought warmth in a guanaco’s shaggy coat
-ice statuettes morphed by wicked powers-
reminders of man’s foolish stance.

The Lamb betrayed:
Yes, One died for me , a naive child smiles,
as her candle flutters in the blackout
and Christ’s wounds weep fresh blood.

Notes:
Words in Mapudungun (Mapuche language)
Mapuche = Earth People. Mapu: earth, che: people.
winka = Foreigner, white man, often “the liar”.
Pehuén = Sacred tree with large nuts. Araucaria.
Guanaco = Patagonian Camelidae with padded feet.

Sheep erode steppes with their cloven hoofs. They nibble sparse vegetation down to the roots. Introduced by European settlers, so that nowadays soils can withstand, on average, one sheep per ten hectares. Sheep are not generally sheltered in barns.
Guanacos have padded feet like camels, and withstand long spells without food or water. The guanaco was herded by nomad Mapuche 7000 years ago and does not erode the land. Its meat and wool were the mainstays of the Mapuche economy, even after the tribes settled down and began to harvest crops.

Sylvia Evelyn, Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia. 2016




ORIGINAL


Leaping off Andean heights
white winds shriek across steppes,
lashing bold and weak alike
in a fabric of untamed elements.

The lamb in winter
reclaimed by forces vaguely understood by man;
with thunder-fists the cordillera whips
sheep against fences,
for endless leagues the snow is king
wrenching life from gentle things.
Gaunt pumas limp down to feed their young
on guanacos with ice-blue lips.

September yearns for signs of Spring,
it’s birthing time for feeble ewes,
yet still the howling gale is pregnant
with wrath of vanished spirits
memory revisits;
of ancient tribes winka banished,
keepers of this land’s majestic hues
where sun, wind and melting glaciers
traced glades among pehuén
-pilgrim’s bread-
not paths for myriad cloven hooves to tread.

The lamb in winter
forsaken on a raging land,
awesome cosmic dance
of snow-clouds exploding in the skies.
A lamb sought warmth in a guanaco’s shaggy coat
-now statuettes of ice shaped by a powerful hand-
reminders of man’s foolish stance.

The Lamb betrayed:
Yes, One died for me , a fair child smiles,
as her candle flutters in the blackout
and Christ’s wounds weep fresh blood.

Words in Mapudungun (Mapuche language)
Mapuche = Earth People. Mapu: earth, che: people.
winka = Foreigner, white man, often “the liar”.
Pehuén = Sacred tree with large nuts. Araucaria.
Guanaco = Patagonian Camelidae with padded feet.

Note: Sheep erode steppes with their cloven hoves. They nibble sparse vegetation down to the roots. They were introduced by European settlers. Nowadays, soils can withstand, on average, one sheep per five to ten hectares. Sheep are not generally sheltered in barns.
Guanacos have padded feet like camels, and withstand long spells without food or water. The guanaco was herded by nomad Mapuche 7000 years ago and does not erode the land. Its meat and wool were the mainstays of the Mapuche economy, even after the tribes settled down and began to harvest crops.

Sylvia Evelyn, Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia. 2016

[Eisa]

Hi Syl,

It's always good to read one of your Patagonian poems - always well written.

Leaping off Andean heights
white winds shriek across steppes,
lashing bold and weak alike
in a fabric of untamed elements.

Is it the lamb that is leaping off Andean Heights - it is not clear as lambs are not mentioned until St2

The lamb in winter
reclaimed by forces vaguely understood by man;
with thunder-fists the cordillera whips
the sheep against fences,
for endless leagues the snow is king
wrenching life from gentle things.
Gaunt pumas limp down to feed their young
on guanacos with ice-blue lips.

Vividly described, Syl. Wow! Life was harsh!

September yearns for signs of Spring,
it’s birthing time for feeble ewes,
yet still the howling gale is pregnant
with wrath of vanished spirits
memory revisits;
of ancient tribes winka banished,
keepers of this land’s majestic hues
where sun, wind and melting glaciers
traced glades among pehuén
-pilgrim’s bread-
not paths for myriad cloven hooves to tread.

Love these lines
still the howling gale is pregnant
with wrath of vanished spirits
Perhaps yet could be deleted


The lamb in winter
forsaken on a raging land,
awesome cosmic dance
of snow-clouds exploding in the skies.
A lamb sought warmth in a guanaco’s shaggy coat
-now statuettes of ice shaped by a powerful hand-
reminders of man’s foolish stance.

snow clouds exploding in the skies
Wow! Great description!

The Lamb betrayed:
Yes, One died for me , a fair child smiles,
as her candle flutters in the blackout
and Christ’s wounds weep fresh blood.

An unexpected change at the ending, which I enjoyed.
I have noticed too, some inner rhymes throughout the poem, which is very refreshing.
I haven't much to offer in way of nits, but will return for another read when time allows

Hugs
Eira

[RC James]

Syl - Lots of energy and action in this. Good job. I don't think yoiu need the last line of the 1st stanza, it's telly and repeating what's come before. Cheers, R

[Critter]

Difficult for me to offer useful critique here but I found the poem left me off balance...which is a good thing because I see the poem mimicking the storm itself. There are at least four main elements and other unexpected ones, they ebb and flow, mix, and seem bound together despite conflict. There is wildness here and an unsettling...a good thing in this case...you bring the wild inside.

[Psyche]

Thank you, Eisa, Richard and critter.

I apologise for taking so long to return. I'll post a revision asap., taking into account your suggestions.

Still having computer problems!

Thanks so much for your help,
Syl

[Psyche]

I absolutely forgot to revise this poem.

I apologise to all who made suggestions, most of which I've used.

Also changed some other bits, so more crits are welcome!

Syl

[Eisa]

I like the changes you have made in this revision, Syl and especially like your opening line and all the 'w' sounds which your change to 'wail' has given. I like St1 very much


White winds wail across steppes,
surging off Andean heights
to lash hardy and weak alike
in a fabric of untamed elements.

The lamb in winter
reclaimed by forces vaguely understood by man;
with thunder-fists the cordillera whips
sheep against fences,
for endless leagues the snow is king
wrenching life from gentle things.
Gaunt pumas limp down to feed their young
on guanacos with ice-blue lips.

September yearns for signs of Spring,
it’s birthing time for feeble ewes;
still the howling gale is pregnant
with wrath of vanished spirits
memory revisits;
of ancient tribes winka banished,
keepers of this land’s majestic hues
where sun, wind and melting glaciers
traced glades among pehuén
-the hungry pilgrim’s bread-
not paths for myriad cloven hoofs to tread.

I'm not sure that the dashes are needed in L10

The lamb in winter
forsaken on a raging land,
awesome cosmic dance
of snow-clouds exploding in the skies.
A lamb sought warmth in a guanaco’s shaggy coat
-ice statuettes morphed by wicked powers-
reminders of man’s foolish stance.

Again, I'm not sure the dashes are needed

The Lamb betrayed:
Yes, One died for me , a naive child smiles,
as her candle flutters in the blackout
and Christ’s wounds weep fresh blood.

A beautiful poem, Syl, well crafted

Eira

[Larry]

Hi Syl,

I wouldn't change a single word!

You've brought the power of Nature into your words and the two things I take from your post are; one - Mother Nature is striving to wipe out the lamb that has come to destroy its world and two - your beautiful segue to a Lamb who was destroyed but brings new life to a world with His blood shed for each of us.

Nicely done!

Larry

[Psyche]

Hi Larry,
Nice surprise to find you in Seren's! An R&F poet of your calibre can help us a lot. As I've said before, you're welcome to crit word usage, punctuation or anything that comes to mind.
I'm glad you like this poem. That's exactly the message I was attempting to get across. I used suggestions in the revision, all ideas are inspiring and I'm grateful for them.
The sad news is that the devastation continues. And the original dwellers of Patagonia, the ones that were decimated by the conquest, are now arising to protest all this destruction...from open-air mining to huge hydro-electric dams that flood vast areas of land and send rivers in different directions. All original ethnic groups from the western world have come together and are represented in the U.N.
Thanks for your kind words,
Syl

Hi Syl,

I wouldn't change a single word!

You've brought the power of Nature into your words and the two things I take from your post are; one - Mother Nature is striving to wipe out the lamb that has come to destroy its world and two - your beautiful segue to a Lamb who was destroyed but brings new life to a world with His blood shed for each of us.

Nicely done!

Larry

[Psyche]

Thanks so much for returning, Eisa.
You were right, S1 was confusing. It wasn't clear who/what the subject was.

As to the dashes, I'll think about them. I like using dashes instead of the more usual punctuations. Just sometimes...

Happy that you think it's lovely...even tho' crude reality is disturbing.

Syl

I like the changes you have made in this revision, Syl and especially like your opening line and all the 'w' sounds which your change to 'wail' has given. I like St1 very much


White winds wail across steppes,
surging off Andean heights
to lash hardy and weak alike
in a fabric of untamed elements.

The lamb in winter
reclaimed by forces vaguely understood by man;
with thunder-fists the cordillera whips
sheep against fences,
for endless leagues the snow is king
wrenching life from gentle things.
Gaunt pumas limp down to feed their young
on guanacos with ice-blue lips.

September yearns for signs of Spring,
it’s birthing time for feeble ewes;
still the howling gale is pregnant
with wrath of vanished spirits
memory revisits;
of ancient tribes winka banished,
keepers of this land’s majestic hues
where sun, wind and melting glaciers
traced glades among pehuén
-the hungry pilgrim’s bread-
not paths for myriad cloven hoofs to tread.

I'm not sure that the dashes are needed in L10

The lamb in winter
forsaken on a raging land,
awesome cosmic dance
of snow-clouds exploding in the skies.
A lamb sought warmth in a guanaco’s shaggy coat
-ice statuettes morphed by wicked powers-
reminders of man’s foolish stance.

Again, I'm not sure the dashes are needed

The Lamb betrayed:
Yes, One died for me , a naive child smiles,
as her candle flutters in the blackout
and Christ’s wounds weep fresh blood.

A beautiful poem, Syl, well crafted

Eira

[Eisa]

Thanks so much for returning, Eisa.
You were right, S1 was confusing. It wasn't clear who/what the subject was.

As to the dashes, I'll think about them. I like using dashes instead of the more usual punctuations. Just sometimes...

Happy that you think it's lovely...even tho' crude reality is disturbing.

Syl

Yes, it is disturbing, Syl, but you have woven a kind of beauty with your words.

As to the dashes, it is a matter of taste. I used to use them a lot - too much - and think I must be going through a 'no dash' phase. LOL!

Eira

[Psyche]

That made me laugh, Eisa...going thru' a 'no dash' phase!

Never mind, I can always remove them sometime. Right now I was going to post a poem that's not my usual style at all, but I'm tired and hurt all over.

You'll be able to have a feast at critting it...LOL.

Leave it for tomorrow.

Tx,
Syl

[Eisa]

That made me laugh, Eisa...going thru' a 'no dash' phase!

Never mind, I can always remove them sometime. Right now I was going to post a poem that's not my usual style at all, but I'm tired and hurt all over.

You'll be able to have a feast at critting it...LOL.

Leave it for tomorrow.

Tx,
Syl

You can add dots to the dashes, Syl LOL! I used to use them a lot too!

Looking forward to your new poem - you have me intrigued!

Eira

[Psyche]

Thank you, Eira,

I've posted my new poem. Did a bit of tweaking to encourage myself to put it "out there".


I'm also looking forward to a new poem from you!


Syl