 Spoken from the cerebral ** Revision 2 |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse  |
 Apr 2 16, 07:35
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#1
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 Assyrian  Posts: 256 Joined: 2-November 15 From: Croydon, Surrey Member No.: 5,284 Real Name: Antony Glaser Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Eira Rhaposdy  |
REVISION 2
Succumbing to an unknown ailment I have finally addressed my fears by talking to ant hills almost as an equal , sometimes more of late. I feel overcome walking in the city; ozone clouds preside as if by the seaside. I cannot tell if my dreams are informing me with their virtual impress, marking me for process into this duality. REVISION Succumbing to an unknown ailment I have finally addressed my fears almost as an equal , sometimes more of late. I feel overcome walking in the city; into ozone clouds as if by the seaside. I cannot tell if my dreams are informing me with their virtual impress marking me for process into this duality. ORIGINAL Succumbing to an unknown ailment I have finally addressed my fears almost as an equal , sometimes more of late. I feel aspirated walking in the city; into ozone clouds as if by the seaside. I cannot tell if my dreams are informing me with their virtual impress marking me for process into this duality. ·······  ·······Imagination fires the soul, resolution the longing.
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Apr 2 16, 17:42
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#2
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 8,877 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Good one, Antony. A bit hermetic, for me, but I think I know where you're going.
Before making any suggestions, I'll tell you what this poem does for me. A person is apparently ill, and the illness is not widely known, or is not yet diagnosed. Sounds as if this person is in negation mode, which is the usual thing...sad. Then along comes acceptation, gradually, with the accompanying fears. In L4 the mention of 'aspirated' sounds as if this person has to be aspirated due to the illness, so as not to clogg the lungs...not sure.  I like the last lines. Sounds as if the dreams are allowing the person to process fears, yet still retain something of reality, of life and living. I'll return, my daughter's fetching me to go shopping! Syl  QUOTE (greenwich @ Apr 2 16, 09:35 )  Succumbing to an unknown ailment I have finally addressed my fears almost as an equal , sometimes more of late. I feel aspirated walking in the city; into ozone clouds as if by the seaside. I cannot tell if my dreams are informing me with their virtual impress marking me for process into this duality. ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner              |
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Apr 2 16, 18:18
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#3
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Assyrian Posts: 256 Joined: 2-November 15 From: Croydon, Surrey Member No.: 5,284 Real Name: Antony Glaser Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Eira Rhaposdy |
Thank you Syl. I had intended aspirated to be the linguistic definition. The subject becoming linguistically affected. I now feel overcome is far more user friendly word.
······· ·······Imagination fires the soul, resolution the longing.
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Apr 6 16, 02:34
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#4
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,877 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Very good revision. Nothing else to nit or question. I agree with 'overcome'. Although people who are not able to talk due to their illness, often have to be aspirated because of swallowing problems. They usually go together. I know...we've been there in my family. MND or ALS. But it could be a number of other ailments. Tx for sharing, Syl
······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Apr 28 16, 01:19
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#5
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 Babylonian Posts: 97 Joined: 31-October 15 Member No.: 5,279 Real Name: J.S. MacLean (Joe) Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Eisa |
Good to see the revision process here. At this point I have just one comment. You use the word "cerebral" in the title and then in L5 you start by writing "I feel...". This would seem an obvious case of that poetical sin of telling, not showing. Now I think we can sometimes show by telling but this is probably a case that might scream "show" ... which you do with the clouds and such. Just something to consider...
QUOTE (greenwich @ Apr 2 16, 06:35 ) REVISION 2 Succumbing to an unknown ailment I have finally addressed my fears by talking to ant hills almost as an equal , sometimes more of late. I feel overcome walking in the city; ozone clouds preside as if by the seaside. I cannot tell if my dreams are informing me with their virtual impress, marking me for process into this duality. REVISION Succumbing to an unknown ailment I have finally addressed my fears almost as an equal , sometimes more of late. I feel overcome walking in the city; into ozone clouds as if by the seaside. I cannot tell if my dreams are informing me with their virtual impress marking me for process into this duality. ORIGINAL Succumbing to an unknown ailment I have finally addressed my fears almost as an equal , sometimes more of late. I feel aspirated walking in the city; into ozone clouds as if by the seaside. I cannot tell if my dreams are informing me with their virtual impress marking me for process into this duality. ······· ······· |
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