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> The Sparrows Sing (tweaked)
Eisa
post Mar 29 16, 16:53
Post #1


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From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



The Sparrows Sing (changes in red)

I was smitten by your freckled face
and slender form, but not fooled
by your innocent appearance.
I recognised a feisty female lurked
unafraid to fight the girls
from your territory.

You were a flirt, soon losing
your virginity to become a mother.
Pursued by two suitors;
a father and son,the junior
nick-named Toy Boy


Life's tree is now uprooted - yet
your family foliage is a profusion
of blooms. Toy Boy has moved
into your vacant flat, while
you probably romp with your
first love (his father)
in paradise.

Shrouded in tissue paper,
your frail body is gently laid
in a cardboard coffin.
Beneath the mock orange tree,
I dug deep, where worms and woodlice
prepared soil to receive you.
Lowering the box into earth
a duet of sparrows sing
their lament for you, Lizzie Lulu,
my first Leopard Gecko.
---------------------------------------
original lines

one was your rivals son,
nick-named Toy Boy.

I recently posted a poem 'Fascination' about my gecko's great-great grandfather.

You can read it here

I've also found this in the archives about his great-great grandmother.


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Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Luce
post Mar 29 16, 21:05
Post #2


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Ha!! You got me fooled all the way. A gecko. You were talking about a gecko. Killer ending.

Some minor, nits:


The Sparrows Sing

I was smitten by your freckled face
and slender form, but not fooled
by your innocent appearance.
I recognised a feisty female lurked
unafraid to fight the girls
from her territory

Maybe "you" instead of "her". since the N is addressing the subject directly in the poem.
You need a period after "territory".


You were a flirt, soon loosing
virginity to become a mother.
Pursued by two suitors;
one was your rivals son,
nick-named Toy Boy.

I think you mean "losing" not "loosing".
Sounds better saying "your" virginity as oppose to just "virginity".
Saying your rival's son sounds wrong since your suitors are not your rivals. Maybe "Pursued by two suitors;
a father and son/the junior nick-named "Toy Boy".


Life's tree is now uprooted - yet
your family foliage is a profusion
of blooms. Toy Boy has moved
into your vacant flat, while
you probably romp with your
first love (his father)
in paradise.

Don't quite get "your family foliage is a profusion of blooms.".
I'd delete "probably".


Shrouded in tissue paper,
your frail body is gently laid
in a cardboard coffin.
Beneath the mock orange tree,
I dug deep, where worms and woodlice
prepared soil to receive you.
Lowering the box into earth
a duet of sparrows sing
their lament for you, Lizzie Lulu,
my first Leopard Gecko.

I'd put "box" instead of coffin". Sounds stronger than "coffin" with "cardboard" and "box" can be an internal rhyme with "mock". Again, great ending.

Luce



 
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Psyche
post Mar 31 16, 01:04
Post #3


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Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
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Hi Eisa,
So glad to see you posting again. I know you've had troubles...hope all's well!
I love this poem. You're so good at writing about your various lizards, snakes, geckos and now I'm waiting for a poem to your new...not telling!! mickeymouse.gif
Not much to nit, just some typos, I think.


QUOTE (Eisa @ Mar 29 16, 19:53 ) *
The Sparrows Sing

I was smitten by your freckled face
and slender form, but not fooled
by your innocent appearance.
I recognised a feisty female lurked <<<<<nice allit. I like 'feisty'

unafraid to fight the girls
from her territory <<<<<<<Full stop missed

You were a flirt, soon loosing<<<<< must be 'losing'. I often have to think about that one...LOL.
virginity to become a mother.
Pursued by two suitors;
one was your rivals son, <<<<<< rival's?
nick-named Toy Boy.

Life's tree is now uprooted - yet <<<<<I like this metaphorical reference to The Tree of Life.
your family foliage is a profusion
of blooms. Toy Boy has moved
into your vacant flat, while
you probably romp with your
first love (his father)
in paradise.

Nice stanza, the one above. Some die, others spread the 'family foliage' and new lives get up to tricks! Animals, reptiles, same as humans...


Shrouded in tissue paper,
your frail body is gently laid
in a cardboard coffin.
Beneath the mock orange tree,
I dug deep, where worms and woodlice
prepared soil to receive you.
Lowering the box into earth
a duet of sparrows sing
their lament for you, Lizzie Lulu,
my first Leopard Gecko.


Sad but great finale. I'm sure the sparrows were singing their lament for Lizzie Lulu...
This is a lovely poem, Eisa. You've also got many good alliterations, I wouldn't change anything.




I recently posted a poem 'Fascination' about my gecko's great-great grandfather.

You can read it here

I've also found this in the archives about his great-great grandmother.



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Mis temas favoritos



The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.


"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

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Critter
post Apr 15 16, 22:51
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Real Name: J.S. MacLean (Joe)
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Eisa



Not much I can add to the previous crits. This one is worth making the little changes and actually tending to "little" ...if you can instill that feeling of smallness into the poem ...you have some of that already, maybe augment it.


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Eisa
post Apr 16 16, 12:52
Post #5


Mosaic Master
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Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Hi,

I've been so busy that I almost forgot I'd posted this one.

Thank you Luce, Syl and Joe for your comments. I'll make a few tweaks now.

Eira


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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