|
|
|
Time of the Big Bang***, Complete rework of previous "Big Bang' poem into trilogy |
|
|
|
Mar 24 16, 13:43
|
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 97
Joined: 31-October 15
Member No.: 5,279
Real Name: J.S. MacLean (Joe)
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Eisa
|
Time of the Big Bang
During the Big Bang
We see one dimension in dark between stars so outline constellations with names and legends. Yet from out within no light relates.
A this appears from where there was none, like time out of once upon what was gone. No thing is singular, all will pass to come like then and now connecting dots of us and not.
After the Big Bang
We evolve counting instants as matter tends to true disorder within a stable glow. …..…..…….. Obligatory order resolves innerspace where we slide to sleep between photon sheets. ==============
Before the Big Bang
How small can nothing feel before a dream emerges, like dew into the dawn, that it cannot exist unless to pursue light that has a head start on time down along the old axis of chaos?
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Mar 24 16, 14:23
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 256
Joined: 2-November 15
From: Croydon, Surrey
Member No.: 5,284
Real Name: Antony Glaser
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Eira Rhaposdy
|
Maybe "connecting dots of us and far between"? "of us and not" seems too uncertain for this lunar / evolution voyage. The last Stanza starts with "A This emerges". Is A erroneous or stands for Alpha ?
······· ·······
Imagination fires the soul, resolution the longing.
|
|
|
|
|
Mar 24 16, 17:33
|
Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
|
Hi Joe,
It's good to see another poem from you. I like this one - the title drew me in straight away.
Just a couple of thoughts on St 2 (very minor nits)
A This emerges from
Is A at the start of this line a typo?
where there was none, like time out of once upon what was gone. No thing is singlular,
spelling - singular
all will pass to come like then and now connecting dots of us and not.
I find the last line a bit abstract/weak. Endings should be memorable.
Hope something here helps
Eira
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Mar 24 16, 17:56
|
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 97
Joined: 31-October 15
Member No.: 5,279
Real Name: J.S. MacLean (Joe)
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Eisa
|
QUOTE (greenwich @ Mar 24 16, 12:23 ) Maybe "connecting dots of us and far between"? "of us and not" seems too uncertain for this lunar / evolution voyage. The last Stanza starts with "A This emerges". Is A erroneous or stands for Alpha ? I agree that "far between" would work too, quite well actually with one of the themes. The idea of the constellation's stars making sense in one dimension but really having no relation at all is a hard one to pin down...but it has to do with how we understand things...how the "between" is the meaning we try to understand by connecting points. I see there is some confusion caused by the capital T. There is little we know of the "before" the Big Bang or if the totally expanded, dead/inert, universe is really the end. The in-between is "This" ...if anything deserves a capital letter it is the thing that is all that is... Alpha is a similar term but I am not sure there is such a thing...the pre-Big Bang might be something we don't understand, a world without the things that we know such as time, light, mass, energy... All big questions that are serious but cannot really be treated that way, that is why I put a little goofiness in this.
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Mar 24 16, 18:05
|
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 97
Joined: 31-October 15
Member No.: 5,279
Real Name: J.S. MacLean (Joe)
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Eisa
|
QUOTE (Eisa @ Mar 24 16, 15:33 ) Hi Joe,
It's good to see another poem from you. I like this one - the title drew me in straight away.
Just a couple of thoughts on St 2 (very minor nits)
A This emerges from
Is A at the start of this line a typo?
where there was none, like time out of once upon what was gone. No thing is singlular,
spelling - singular
all will pass to come like then and now connecting dots of us and not.
I find the last line a bit abstract/weak. Endings should be memorable.
Hope something here helps
Eira Thanks Eira. ...all the tinkering I did and never caught that spelling typo...eyes are getting bad I guess. The capital T is not (see note above). It is a short poem so I don't mind putting a few odd things in. Greenwich's suggestion would work although not sound-wise imo. I suppose the whole poem is abstract but I do kind of see your point (sounds like 'yes you are/no I'm not) I guess the whole theme of is/not is central and I wanted to relate to the constellation that exists on one plane but perhaps not in another. I appreciate the input and will continue to consider.
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Mar 28 16, 00:03
|
Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,882
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
|
Hi Joe, Great to see your post. Deep one, this. I read that you put some goofiness in it, since the issues are profound, whether philosophically-wise or calculated with the preciseness of astrophysics. I'll only make a few comments or nits (sure to put my foot in it...LOL)
QUOTE (Critter @ Mar 24 16, 15:43 ) During the Big Bang
We see one dimension in dark between stars so outline constellations with names and legends. Yet from out within no light relates.
Nice opening stanza. Yep, we outline constellations, usually with Greek names, but not always. And it's a money-making businnes, as well. One can have one's personal constellations with a few expensive sessions! I understand L5 and L6, but not so much the way you've expressed it. I think about 80 or 90% of the universe is absolute dark matter, as no light is emitted or can penetrate it. I'll read further...
A This emerges from where there was none, like time out of once upon what was gone. No thing is singular, all will pass to come like then and now connecting dots of us and not.
Although Alpha and Omega are of biblical origin, still these terms are used to enclose any period of events, without religious connotations. Somehow the A before This is misleading. Alpha would sound a lot better. You could put Omega later on, maybe with a question mark? It wouldn't mean that this person knows everything in between, just that it's what's generally been studied and/or proven. The Big Bang theory starts with a singularity that explodes. Why 'No thing is singular'? I like your thoughts about constellations on unknown spheres. It would be nice to include those thoughts in your poem. 'Conecting the dots' is great, that's what physicists seem to do...then they suddenly announce that they were wrong! So we're back at a jumble of dots...in this part it appears to me that you're teasing the scientists. Sorry, I haven't come up with any new words or phrases. Just some thoughts. Good work, tx for sharing. Syl
······· ·······
Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
|
|
|
|
|
Mar 28 16, 12:30
|
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 97
Joined: 31-October 15
Member No.: 5,279
Real Name: J.S. MacLean (Joe)
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Eisa
|
Thanks Psyche. Nice opening stanza. Yep, we outline constellations, usually with Greek names, but not always. And it's a money-making businnes, as well. One can have one's personal constellations with a few expensive sessions! I understand L5 and L6, but not so much the way you've expressed it. I think about 80 or 90% of the universe is absolute dark matter, as no light is emitted or can penetrate it. I'll read further... I guess what I was getting at was “meaning” and how it emerges from “things”. An image with meaning can emerge from pixels that individually have no connection to the meaning at all. We all try to take meaning from the universe, even the arrangement of stars we see. The stars mean “Big Dipper” or “Southern Cross” to us but viewed from another galaxy these stars would not have this same meaning and probably none at all (no light relates). In the bigger picture we try to take meaning from the “Big bang” as in what’s it all about….
Although Alpha and Omega are of biblical origin, still these terms are used to enclose any period of events, without religious connotations. Somehow the A before This is misleading. Alpha would sound a lot better. You could put Omega later on, maybe with a question mark? It wouldn't mean that this person knows everything in between, just that it's what's generally been studied and/or proven. The Big Bang theory starts with a singularity that explodes. Why 'No thing is singular'? I like your thoughts about constellations on unknown spheres. It would be nice to include those thoughts in your poem. 'Conecting the dots' is great, that's what physicists seem to do...then they suddenly announce that they were wrong! So we're back at a jumble of dots...in this part it appears to me that you're teasing the scientists. Sorry, I haven't come up with any new words or phrases. Just some thoughts.
I see that the “A This” creates confusion. “This” is the universe and some models describe it as an exploding singularity that will eventually end in a fully expanded, fully random, inert thing. I am not certain that I can accept this and suspect that there was a “before” and will be an “after” …but it does not really matter as we deal with our own fleeting “nows” before was and will…So that final strophe is a bit of goofing around with the big concepts (space time matter energy life death) that we live with but don’t really understand…and how we strive to take meaning by connecting-the-dots…just like we take meaning (and make up stories) from random stars. Thanks for those thoughts, I Think the capital “T” may be one step over the line…
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Mar 31 16, 20:06
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 250
Joined: 1-November 15
Member No.: 5,282
Real Name: richard chase
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Rhapsody
|
your syntax and delivery give me the sense of explosiveness, meanings flying apart and into other realms. I like it. RC
|
|
|
|
|
Apr 2 16, 18:45
|
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 97
Joined: 31-October 15
Member No.: 5,279
Real Name: J.S. MacLean (Joe)
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Eisa
|
Thanks RC, glad you took that from it.
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Apr 15 16, 22:56
|
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 97
Joined: 31-October 15
Member No.: 5,279
Real Name: J.S. MacLean (Joe)
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Eisa
|
bump
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Apr 16 16, 01:14
|
Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,882
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
|
Hi Joe! A trilogy seems a good idea. I'm surprised at the big change. Good.QUOTE (Critter @ Mar 24 16, 15:43 ) Time of the Big Bang During the Big BangWe see one dimension in dark between stars so outline constellations with names and legends. Yet from out within no light relates. A this appears from where there was none, like time out of once upon what was gone. No thing is singular, all will pass to come like then and now connecting dots of us and not. Neat! I'll not crit anything because I'd be sure to mess up your amusing style. Amusing in a good way, I mean. After the Big BangWe evolve counting instants as matter tends to true disorder within a stable glow. Have you made these lines intentionally 'disordered'? Because my first impression is that the lines finish at the wrong point. Perhaps: We evolve counting instants as matter tends to true disorder within a stable glow.
As your first stanza has longer lines, this one doesn't align itself well with the beginning.…..…..……..obligatory order resolves innerspace where we slide to sleep between photon sheets .<<<<<Like this!
==============
[b]Before the Big BangHow small can nothing feel before a dream emerges, like dew into the dawn, that it cannot exist unless to pursue light that has a head start on time down along the old axis of chaos? I'd put 'Before the Big Bang' first. Dunno...All the same, the above stanza is beautiful. Syl During the Big Bang revision 1
We see one dimension in dark between stars so outline constellations with names and legends. Yet from out within no light relates.
A this emerges from where there was none, like time out of once upon what was gone. No thing is singular, all will pass to come like then and now connecting dots of us and not.
During the Big Bang original
We see one dimension in dark between stars so outline constellations with names and legends. Yet from out within no light relates.
A This emerges from where there was none, like time out of once upon what was gone. No thing is singular, all will pass to come like then and now connecting dots of us and not.
······· ·······
Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
|
|
|
|
|
Apr 16 16, 12:48
|
Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
|
Very nice revision, Joe! Really enjoyed! Like Syl I found these lines a bit short compared to the rest We evolve counting instants as matter tends to true disorder within a stable glow. but then I have a feeling that you have reason for this. Eira
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Apr 16 16, 12:59
|
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 97
Joined: 31-October 15
Member No.: 5,279
Real Name: J.S. MacLean (Joe)
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Eisa
|
Thanks Psyche
Yes there just seemed more to say on the subject. Rereading the middle poem I see exactly what you mean. While composing it the line breaks made perfect sense though. I am thinking the fragmented nature might be suitable and it serves to slow the reader down. I suppose short forms like haiku lend to quick reading but other shorter forms benefit from a slower pace. In any case I will have another look at that. The order of the sections is intentional and meant to throw off the idea of time as a simple arrow. It is natural for the poet to go where no scientist has gone before. There is only speculation about what was before the Big Bang and the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics predicts an inert end to the universe. I reject that idea, not on a religious level, but on purely human one.
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:
|
|
Read our FLYERS - click below
Reference links provided to aid in fine-tuning
your writings. ENJOY!
|
|
|
|