REVISION

Whilst sipping your tea,
at Bexhill station.
I imagined you as younger;
blue hot pants
and a turquoise top
wearing white leather boots,
dancing to a minor bubblegum hit,
for you'd be the true star
in the Methodist dance-hall.
We purchase in pounds, shillings and pence.
I buy you a Watney shandy.
You giggle in a girlish way,
enjoy blowing in my ear,
when you really were intending
to say you felt the same way


ORIGINAL



Whilst you sipped your tea
at Bexhill station.
I imagined you as younger;
blue hot pants
and a sparkling turquoise top
wearing white leather boots,
dancing to a minor bubblegum hit,
for you'd be the true star
in the Methodist run disco.
We purchase in pounds, shillings and pence.
I buy you a Watney shandy.
You giggle in a girlish way,
enjoying blowing in my ear,
when you really were intending
to say you felt the same way.

Oh, my goodness- what a pleasure to find this on a Sunday morning! The only minor thing I have to say is that you might want a comma after 'hit', and you should put a full stop at the end. I can't suggest any other changes.
Heather

Thank you Heather for your interest and tips

I like this one a lot. Someone imagines a friend, 40 years or more younger and with a different future, if they had met. Great imagery, story and skillful use of internal and end off or perfect rhymes.

Love this line - "minor bubblegum hit"

Nevertheless, I have nits, of course I have nits but not many:

1. Since this is taking place in the past, then the tense should be in past tense.

2. I'd suggest you review your punctuation to make sure the poem flows more smoothly. For example, the first line should have a comma and not a period.

3. think about cutting some words to stress the altys you have going like: "sparking turquoise top" to just "turquoise top" / "wearing white leather boots to "wearing white boots".

4. I'd delete the "We purchase in pounds, shillings and pence" line unless you can clarify what you're actually purchasing.


Luce


Ahhhh - hot pants. I remember them. I traded them in for green fatigue pants and a black beret with a red star on it.

I agree with many of the points Luce made. I am just wondering about timing...1970, yes there was bubblegum but Disco? maybe the term but not the music surely, or have I forgotten the 70s?

Height of disco era was around the mid 70's. We're off by a few years. But then, this is a church dance. They would have old and new together.

Heck! I've gone to dances lately where they still churn out Motown and people are trying to do "The Bump". OMG!

Not so much disco - mainly because the dances were more complicated then. All that twirling - use to make me dizzy.

Luce

Love this, Antony! I remember wearing hot pants myself...LOL. But nowadays girls wear them again, except they don't call them hot pants. At night, to go to a disco, they wear skin-tight shiny ones or something similar! Not much to nit here.

yes, mid 70s is what I remember. I hated it...