Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register )

IPB
 
Reply to this topicStart new topic
> Haiku, 4th Revision
Guest_ohsteve_*
post Jan 9 09, 13:02
Post #1





Guest






4th revision

I awake...equate
Hyacynth knifes through thin snow
must be spring time now.

3rd Revison

I awake...equate
lily heads wave above thin snow
must be spring time now.

2nd revision

I awake...equate
lilies grow in thin snow;
they spring forth in Spring.

Revised

I awake...equate
flowers grow a thin snow;
must be spring now.

Original

I awake, equate
flower grows from white snow bank
must be spring time now.
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Guest_prerna bala_*
post Jan 13 09, 06:44
Post #2





Guest






oh , you are talking of the other hemisphere. But you could also be talking of how flowers bloom in spring, a wishful comparision, which one of them are you talking of ? or am i entirely wrong ?

are you particular about the 5-7-5 ? the pause between awake and equate is brilliant!
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Guest_ohsteve_*
post Jan 13 09, 14:08
Post #3





Guest






Prerna, i was imaging toward how flowers break through the snow in spring. As for the 5-7-5 if it is to be hiaku then it has to be that...did I miss something-again...lol.
Steve
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Guest_prerna bala_*
post Jan 14 09, 12:20
Post #4





Guest






the aha moment dawns on me; "AHA! so that is it. " cyclops.gif
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Larry
post Jan 14 09, 13:21
Post #5


Creative Chieftain
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 9,440
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.



Hi Steve,

I agree with your statement that if it is Haiku, it must retain the 5-7-5 format, even if it will not translate to Japanese with the same structure.

Couple of nits! I'd like to see more of a pause in the first line. Maybe a ( ... ) instead of a comma. In the second line, I see one little flower blooming in the snow (Snow Crocus perhaps). Could you make that plural with - "Flowers grow from white snow bank", because one flower does not a Springtime make. Just my suggestions, take or toss!

Larry


·······IPB·······

When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy



Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
Larry D. Jennings

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Guest_ohsteve_*
post Jan 14 09, 21:34
Post #6





Guest






Larry, thanks for stopping by to read, I debated on whether 'flower grows' or 'flowers grow' would be better. and yes the elipse does work better than the comma thanks. I also change the 2nd line as everyone knows snow is white, and a bank implies a large amount of snow, so now its a thin snow like you get toward spring.
Steve
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Larry
post Jan 15 09, 00:54
Post #7


Creative Chieftain
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 9,440
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.



Hi Steve,

Nice revision but I have a new nit - you got away for the Haiku parameters in L2 & 3.
I know that they are not hard and fast rules, especially when written in English but you stated:
QUOTE
As for the 5-7-5 if it is to be hiaku then it has to be that
.

I do like the revision to "a thin snow". That's how you know Spring is just around the corner.

Larry


·······IPB·······

When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy



Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
Larry D. Jennings

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Cleo_Serapis
post Jan 15 09, 06:45
Post #8


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,891
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Hi Steve,

Nice change with that elipse in L1. I enjoy the haiku and when one can make use of every word succinctly. I'm going to suggest that you revisit three sections of this one:

I awake...equate
flowers grow a thin snow;
must be spring now.

The first is the word 'flowers'. Do you mean grow in or through snow? I'd love to see you choose a particular flower to put there, as Larry suggests crocus or perhaps daffodils or tulips?

The second is the word 'thin'. I'd like to see a sub there as well - perhaps sheer, shadow, gossamer or wispy.

The third is L3 - I'd like to see it be a statement moreso than a question: Maybe : Spring's arrival comes ?

So if you opt for any of my ideas (sticking to the 5-7-5 params), you might have something like:

I awake...equate
Crocus peek through shadow snow;
Spring's arrival comes

Enjoyed!
~Cleo rose.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Maggie
post Jan 17 09, 08:58
Post #9


Greek
***

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 698
Joined: 29-May 06
From: US East Coast
Member No.: 185
Real Name: Peggy Harwood
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:just wandered in



Hi Steve,

This is beautiful IMHO!


I am a bit curious about line 1. I don't know if that is just assonance (the "a" sound in "awake" and the "a" sound in "equate") or if it is internal rhyme. If it is assonance I think a haiku purist would say it's okay, but if it is internal rhyme I think it might be against the rules. From what small bit I know about haiku, I believe rhyme is a no-no.


Again, I think it's beautiful!

Peggy


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Guest_ohsteve_*
post Jan 17 09, 10:20
Post #10





Guest






I have revised a second time, I notice that I forgot the word time in the third line there, but redid whole third line, and used Lilies instead of the generic flowers. I still like thin snow...lol. Peggy, I am not sure about inner rhyme in Hiaku, hmmm I know that end ryhmes are not right but not about inner rhyme. So if I did three lines of inner rhyme I could call it Steve-aku?

I equate...debate
on this line of inner rhyme
it does not ring...Spring.

Steve
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Maggie
post Jan 17 09, 11:28
Post #11


Greek
***

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 698
Joined: 29-May 06
From: US East Coast
Member No.: 185
Real Name: Peggy Harwood
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:just wandered in



Hi Steve,

I see a couple nits in revision 2.

2nd revision

I awake...equate
lilies grow in thin snow; ( There are only 6 syllables in this line.)
they spring forth in Spring (Personally, I like your line 3 in the original better.)

Peggy


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Cleo_Serapis
post Jan 17 09, 14:59
Post #12


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,891
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Hi Steve,

Back again:

I awake...equate
lilies grow in thin snow; (is there another word to use for 'grow' here?)
they spring forth in Spring


Aside from the shortened line in L2 (need one more syl), I'm not certain you have to name the season?

If you changed thin snow, to melting snow, you could then say something like:
they burst forth in thaw

another idea:
vernal equinox or vernal season's come

So, you might have something like:

I awake...equate
lilies reach through thawing snow;
vernal season's come


I awake...equate
lilies spring forth through thawed snow;
vernal equinox


~Cleo


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Guest_prerna bala_*
post Jan 18 09, 14:09
Post #13





Guest






i like the fact that the flowers are lilies, i can visualize them, now that it is mentioned.
spring forth in spring is fine too, i see them hopping above the ground, now that it is spring.
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Guest_ohsteve_*
post Jan 19 09, 16:41
Post #14





Guest






I have revised again, but have tracked back to the original. It seemed this was drifting too far away. Thanks to everyone for their ideas and suggestions.
Steve
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Larry
post Jan 26 09, 13:50
Post #15


Creative Chieftain
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 9,440
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.



Hi again Steve,

QUOTE
3rd Revison

I awake...equate
lily heads wave above thin snow
must be spring time now.


I like your (now) unrevised final line. Two nits still shout at me. The first is your choice of "lily" as the flower. There might be a flower in the Lilium family, of which there are over 100 varieties, that blooms in early Spring but I haven't heard of one. Perhaps you could use Daffodils instead. The aforementioned Daffodils, Crocus, Hyacynth and Snow Drops are the only four varieties which will push their way through snow and show a bloom. Sorry about the horticultural lesson! The other is that you now have 8 syls in L2. Could you use something like - "Daffodils knife through thin snow"? I now have yellow and white varieties blooming in my back yard but there is no more snow, thanks to SE Louisiana weather.

Just a thought, take or toss.

Larry


·······IPB·······

When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy



Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
Larry D. Jennings

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Guest_ohsteve_*
post Jan 28 09, 10:55
Post #16





Guest






Larry, thanks for the horticultural lesson, I don't know anything about flowers, or not much more than they are pretty and my wife likes to get them as a surprize... I used Hyacynth as the flower, but did use your 'knife(s) through' thanks for that. I think I have gotten back to the 5-7-5 again and maybe finally have it make sense...lol. Whew, who knew that hiaku could be so hard...lol. Thanks to everyone for the comments and suggestions.
Steve
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Larry
post Jan 28 09, 13:53
Post #17


Creative Chieftain
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 9,440
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.



Hi Steve,

Much better, and thanks to your choice of Hyacinth, I learned something new. The Hyacinth is a distant member of the Lilium family. Therefore, you could still use lilies as long as you didn't specify the sub-species. No, really! Your Haiku (IMO) is polished.
Thanks for letting us help.


Larry


·······IPB·······

When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy



Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
Larry D. Jennings

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Guest_prerna bala_*
post Jan 29 09, 15:48
Post #18





Guest






nice, steve; nice haiku
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:

Reply to this topicStart new topic

 

RSS Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 20th September 2019 - 01:15




Read our FLYERS - click below



Reference links provided to aid in fine-tuning your writings. ENJOY!

more Quotes
more Art Quotes
Dictionary.com ~ Thesaurus.com

Search:
for
Type in a word below to find its rhymes, synonyms, and more:

Word: