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Wait... Listen in Silence [ Revision #3 15 Jan ], Wizard Award ~ triple rictameter |
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Jan 9 07, 13:20
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Mosaic Master
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Real Name: Lori Kanter
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Referred By:Imhotep
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Ah - that works!
One more tip then back to work I go...
eyes breathe warm trust
{can eyes breathe}
I offer: eyes signal trust (for allteration to L1's "Signal")
BBL ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jan 9 07, 13:40
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Referred By:Lori
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Thank you for that confirmation... and re 'eyes breathe'... as I explained to someone earlier, I WANT the reader to puzzle over body language, since that's what I'm trying to convey. Signal is what they do, but that is mechanical (like the fax machine), and I want to convey that the recipient sees MORE than mechanical when s/he feels the eyes' warmth and pleasant breath. Make sense? So much to convey in so few words. Lightly winded, Daniel
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Jan 10 07, 00:58
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Referred By:Lori Kanter
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Hello Daniel,
Just in reply to the idea you are trying to convey. It is a good goal, but the images, that are so conflicting such as 'clenched fingers cry', 'eyes breathe... ' For me, these aren't accomplishing the goal of bringing to mind or puzzling the reader into understanding body language. Of course this is your poem. The message, IMO, is a very beautiful one, and you've done well with the Form... But I still think there is another way to reach your objective without offering awkward images that the reader will immediately find disruptive of the poems meaning.
Of course, it is your poem and please disregard this if it isn't something you will relook at...
Best Wishes, Liz
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Jan 10 07, 05:59
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Thanks, Liz... and I am looking at it and still considering. It is still my objective to convey the concept of body language... and I'm open to hearing HOW I might convey that more clearly, if that is possible. Feedback keeps chipping away at this, and I ain't done yet. I want to hold on to that concept IF I CAN. Please know that NO FEEDBACK is rejected. I ain't arguin'; I's explainin' my objective. If the objective can't be met, well... there's always another poem! deLightin' in feedback, Daniel
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Jan 10 07, 09:40
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Hello Daniel, I won't get into any further commentary about the syntax, I just found one little nit, in Rictameter 2, L5 ... Just a typo... Best Wishes, Liz QUOTE Waiting
so we might see
what his clenched fingers cry
through flared nostrils… pain-shaded eyes
whispering with shoulder-shrugs… her bowed head
daring hope with a hopeless glance.
Patient—we must sit… still
to feel what’s been
weighting.
Listen
for heaven’s sake—
don't view mere stark data
chugging in through our fax machine.
We also must must transfer, process, translate
A typo, you doubled up on must. codes shrouded in sinew and veins;
pathos pours forth, bristling
when we truly
listen.
Silent
eyes breathe warm trust
through tight-shuttered windows
shattered from storms still a mem'ry,
duct-taped over with bloodied gauze curtains;
they'll give Light when the power’s off,
warmth to a brick-cold hearth,
Love that won’t stay
silent.
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Jan 15 07, 11:49
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Thanks so much for the heads up on that, Liz! I'm about to post another revision. Always appreciate another look. deLightin' in your sharin', Daniel
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Jan 16 07, 06:50
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Mosaic Master
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Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi Daniel.
I still have a nit in S1L6:
daring hope with a hopeless glance
Do you want to still use 'hope' twice in the same line? How about:
tempting [or teasing] fate with a hopeless glance ?
~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jan 16 07, 06:58
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Hello JustDaniel~
I enjoyed every meter!
You have had a lot of suggestions I will wait for the edit.
Thank you for sharing it.
PP
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Apr 15 07, 10:32
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
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From: Massachusetts
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Real Name: Lori Kanter
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Referred By:Imhotep
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Congrats Daniel on your wizard award winning tile! Well done! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Guest_Cathy_*
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Apr 17 07, 05:52
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Guest
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Congratulations Daniel!
Cat
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