Ocean of Night, revised Options

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

I feel the ocean of night,
Dark waves lapping at
the shore of my mind.

Distant stars; buoys to guide
the way for my ship of dreams,
a ship of lies and deceit.

Detritus tossed like driftwood
along the dark shores dark line,
To be gathered and burned as warm ideas.

Gentling the soul, weathering the night,
Waiting for the pale crescent of the morn
to peek over the edge of dreams.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Steve

I very much like this poem but it does leave me feeling a little confused but then I guess that is the nature of dreams, they can change in an instant from gentle and pleasant to dark and scary and back again and your poem reflects that.

some suggestions, take or leave as you wish.

I feel {the ocean of night}[night's ocean]{,}[;]
Dark waves lapping at
the {shore of my} mind['s shore].

Distant stars[;] buoys to guide
{the way for} my ship of dreams,
a ship of lies and deceit thrown.

{Tossed as} detritus [tossed] like driftwood
Along {the dark line of the} shore['s dark line]
To be gathered and burned as warm ideas.

Gentling the soul, weathering the night,
Waiting for the pale crescent of the morn ..do you mean moon or morning?
To peek over the edge of dreams. ..do you mean peek as in look or peak as in crest?


Thus:

I feel night's ocean;
dark waves lapping at
the mind's shore.

Distant stars; buoys to guide
my ship of dreams,
a ship of lies and deceit thrown.

Detritus tossed like driftwood
along shore's dark line
to be gathered and burned as warm ideas.

Gentling the soul, weathering the night,
waiting for the pale crescent of the moon
to peak over the edge of dreams.

Thanks for the read

Nina

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Steve,

I like poems about the ocean and dreams; here you have both! It has such a peaceful feel about it, just like a calm ocean.

I feel the ocean of[at?] night,
Dark waves lapping at
the shore of my mind['s shore]. Like a lullaby to put you to sleep!

Distant stars[;] buoys to guide
the way for my ship of dreams,
a ship of lies and deceit thrown.

Tossed as [D]etritus [tossed] like driftwood
Along the dark [shoreline] line of the shore
To be gathered and burned as warm ideas.

Gentling the soul, weathering the night,
Waiting for the pale crescent of the morn
To peek over the edge of dreams.

The mention of 'crescent' makes me wonder if you meant 'moon'. But morning is the end of dreams soooo ... it could go either way. You could also say: 'waiting for morn's pale essence ...' Lovely poem!
Cathy

I feel the ocean at night,
Dark waves lapping at
my mind's shore.

Distant stars; buoys to guide
my ship of dreams,
a ship of lies and deceit thrown.

Detritus tossed like driftwood
Along the dark shoreline
To be gathered and burned as warm ideas.

Gentling the soul, weathering the night,
Waiting for morn's pale essence
To peek over the edge of dreams.

[JLY]

Steve,
Most of my suggestions have already been thoroughly covered by Nina and Cathy.

I would suggest that you make use of punctuation because there are certain places that the readers mind needs to pause or stop; without that pause, some of your phrases lose their meanings.


I particularly liked these lines.......

Dark waves lapping at
the shore of my mind.

JLY

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Steve.

An interesting poem metaphorically speaking. Oceans can be calming or deceitful when the storms come in, and mix that with dreams and you've got a tidal effect in the works.

In my comments below, I have made the adjustments to capitals when not at the start of a new sentence so did not call them out. Please take or toss my ideas as you wish.

[add] {delete}

I feel the ocean of night,
{Dark} [bleak] waves lapping at
the shore of my mind.

Distant stars['] buoys {to} guide
the way for my ship of dreams,
a ship of lies and deceit thrown [overboard][;]
By buoys, do you mean stars act as buoys to guide the way?

tossed as detritus like driftwood
along the dark line of the shore
to be gathered and burned as warm ideas.

Gentling the soul, weathering the night,
[I] wait{ing} for the pale crescent of the morn
to peek over the edge of dreams.

[Eisa]

I feel the ocean of night,
Dark waves lapping at
the shore of my mind.

Distant stars buoys to guide
the way for my ship of dreams,
a ship of lies and deceit thrown.

Tossed as detritus like driftwood
Along the dark line of the shore
To be gathered and burned as warm ideas.

Gentling the soul, weathering the night,
Waiting for the pale crescent of the morn
To peek over the edge of dreams.

Hi Steve -- this is really beautiful. It could be tightened a bit, but only if you feel happy with my suggestions. Here is another way of writing ~

I feel night's ocean waves,
dark, lapping at
the my mind's shore.

Distant star-buoys guide
the way for the dream ship
of lies and deceit.

Tossed as detritus, driftwood
along the dark shore line,
gathered and burned as warm ideas.

Gentling the soul, weathering the night,
I wait for the pale morn-crescent
peeking over the edge of dreams.


I hope something here might help.

Snow

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

I feel the ocean of night,.......the night sky is like an ocean
Dark waves lapping at
the shore of my mind.---the night oceans waves lap at my sleeping mind

Distant stars; buoys to guide
the way for my ship of dreams,
a ship of lies and deceit.

Detritus tossed like driftwood
along the dark shores dark line,
To be gathered and burned as warm ideas.

Gentling the soul, weathering the night,
Waiting for the pale crescent of the morn ..this is morning the sun is a pale cresent int he early morning.
to peek over the edge of dreams.

Thanks to everyone for the comments and suggestions, the kind words .
Steve

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Steve.

Thank you for your 'interpretation' of your piece, though surprisingly to me, I didn't need it. I just still don't feel comfortable sometimes commenting on free verse... but I guess I should just say that I like the metaphor and can also identify with it.

I also found myself looking at your words kind of in the way that Snow did, so when I read her 'tightening up' of your piece, I didn't think I had anything more to say.

I guess I just need to visit here more often so that I can grasp what each writer is looking for in their own work. That in itself is an education.

I'm still waiting for the pale crescent to awaken me to function more helpfully in this forum.

sLightly disoriented, Daniel

[Guest_Gregory_*]

I feel the ocean of night,
Dark waves lapping at
the shore of my mind.

Distant stars; buoys to guide
the way for my ship of dreams,
a ship of lies and deceit.

Detritus tossed like driftwood
along the dark shores dark line,
To be gathered and burned as warm ideas.

Gentling the soul, weathering the night,
Waiting for the pale crescent of the morn
to peek over the edge of dreams.

Just to add on from all the others who seemed to have much the same idea about the weaknesses and strengths of this poem, I would be a bit more radical especially in S1. I would replace L3 with "my shore of mind" to indicate the central theme of the poem through a double meaning. "Distant stars: Buoys guiding my ship of lies and deceit, my dreams." in S2.
Actually to go back for a second, your reply describing L3 is actually quite susinct, "night ocean waves lap at my sleeping mind." I actually got more out of that line poetically. I like the gentle ideas of seclusion and the ever-coming. The last line might be better served ending with "illusion", it would tighten your meaning. This is my first crit in this forum, I hope I have been helpful, please view sceptically. Cheers Gregory