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Exasperated |
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Nov 8 05, 06:50
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Centurion
Posts: 4,592
Joined: 31-October 03
From: New Jersey
Member No.: 39
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Larry Carr
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1st Revision: 11/14 am:
EXASPERATED
Searched for a rainbow, found a lump of coal. Wished for a pony, got a broken fishing pole.
Tried out for football, never made the team. Hoped to catch the spotlight never felt its warming gleam.
Dreamed of a lovely woman, dated a conniving witch. Desired a night of passion, came home with a nasty itch.
Bought my first new car, had it stolen in just a week. Discovered water in my TV., when my roof began leak.
Traveled congested roadways, gagged me with aggression. Prescribed tranquilizing drugs masked sources of my depression.
Changed my way of thinking, slowed down my daily grind. Rejection of wistful, lofty goals, brought me peace of mind.
EXASPERATED
Searched for a rainbow, found a lump of coal. Wished for a pony, got a broken fishing pole.
Tried out for football, never made the team. Hoped to capture the spotlight never felt its warm gleam.
Dreamed of a lovely woman, dated a conniving witch. Desired a night of passion, came home with a nasty itch.
Bought my first new car, was stolen in just a week. Discovered water in my TV., realized my roof has a leak.
Traveled in congested traffic consumed me with aggression. Prescribed tranquilizing drugs masked sources of my depression.
Changed my way of thinking, slowed down my daily grind. Rejected unrealistic, lofty goals, brought me peace of mind.
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Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Guest_Don_*
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Nov 8 05, 13:36
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Guest
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I'll let someone else nit. I enjoyed the ride.
Don
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Nov 8 05, 16:43
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Group: Platinum Member
Posts: 1,802
Joined: 24-April 04
From: Connecticut
Member No.: 58
Real Name: Ron Jones
Writer of: Poetry
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Dear JLY, I like the way the style fits the message. Terse, to the point, unlike prose with its abundance of connectives. One can sense the frustration through the short lines suggesting that additional words would not be justified by the results of the efforts. Yet the joy of the piece is in those last two lines which silences the basso for the tenor! Cheers, Ron jgd
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Guest_Nina_*
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Nov 9 05, 01:23
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Guest
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Hi John
I enjoyed this poem. I like your last two lines, very true. We would all be a lot happier if we didn't stress out, trying to aim higher than is achievable because giving ourselves unrealistic goals we are setting ourselves up for failure.
Nina
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Nov 9 05, 06:33
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Centurion
Posts: 4,592
Joined: 31-October 03
From: New Jersey
Member No.: 39
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Larry Carr
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Ron, It's a fictional piece but I tried to incorporate frustrations at every stage of life: youth, teenage, young adult, etc. Most of the time I tend to use too many words; on this particular poem I tried to go against my style and use the fewes I could. Thanks for stopping by. JLY
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Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Guest_Maxim_*
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Nov 9 05, 08:22
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Guest
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Hi JLY
I too 'enjoyed' your woe - I like what you've have here. I agree that your style has really given this topic the right flavour with great touches of pathos, stress and humour.
I have a few suggestions which for me would smooth the rhythm a bit. But I am no expert and am going by my ear which may hear things differently from yours so please use or ignore as siuts you.
EXASPERATED
Searched for a rainbow, found a lump of coal. Wished for a pony, got a broken fishing pole.
Tried out for football, never made the team. Hoped to capture the spotlight Hoped to catch the spotlight never felt its warm gleam. not felt its warming gleam
Dreamed of a lovely woman, dated a conniving witch. met a cunning witch. Desired a night of passion, came home with a nasty itch. acquired a nasty itch.
Bought my first new car, Saved and bought my first car, was stolen in just a week. had it stolen in a week. Discovered water in my TV., realized my roof has a leak. when my roof began to leak
Traveled in congested traffic Travelling in congested traffic consumed me with aggression. Prescribed tranquilizing drugs masked sources of my depression. just masking my depression.
Changed my way of thinking, slowed down my daily grind. Rejected unrealistic, lofty goals, Rejected unreal/wistful, lofty goals, brought me peace of mind. which brought me peace of mind.
I do not think that too 'smooth' a flow would suit your topic and style but I hope that with these suggestions may be useful. As already said these are based on my far-from-perfect ear and you should rely on your ear in deciding if they are worth considering.
Thanks for a very enjoyable read.
MaXiM
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Nov 9 05, 22:22
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 2,085
Joined: 24-May 04
From: Time, Immoral
Member No.: 66
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi JLY,
I sure hope you didn't forget any like
Walked a silent pathway, Fell and broke my toe...
Isn't it the way things go. However, often it's what we make it, or allow it to be made. We get caught in the tempo and just keep running. Me? I refuse to get a cell phone, and don't have cablevision. Life goes on.
I'd like to suggest different wording for the traffic line, near the bottom. Traveled in congested traffic. You don't need the word "traffic" for rhyming purposes, so why not Traveled jam-packed roadways, gagged me with aggresion... os similar.
Time for a stroll in the park!
Merlin
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