 Miracles [Rev 3, 13 Dec 2009], from the 15 Nov 08 times ten (oldie revamped) |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Dec 7 08, 11:09
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#1
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep  |
Miracles
I met a little girl today who seemed to be quite sad while shopping for a Christmas tree, nowhere did I see ‘dad’. She pranced around the farmer’s truck as twilight turned to snow but did not welcome comfort’s hand: her eyes were not aglow with twinkling lights, nor festive scenes, nor smile too wide to see -- a recipe that must be felt in wonderlands of glee. Bright memories of seasons past dawned then as I knelt down to ask her which one would she like from this lone stand in town. She looked at me with big brown eyes so red from heartbreak’s hold and in her tiny face I saw her soul, her gift – behold! “My daddy’s gone away, missus.” Her eyes were wrought with tears. “He promised he’d be home this time. He always disappears.” I looked around and found her mom not far from precious Grace and realized where daddy’s gone: 'twas written in her face. I pulled her close and whispered then “Your dad is here; it’s true. You see that shining star, dear Grace? He sends his love to you.” She gazed upon that sentient star so high in Heaven’s Light and then I knew she understood the miracle this night. Copyright © Lorraine M. Kanter Rev 3: to ask her which tree did she like Rev 2 (Dec 5 2009): (title was : The Miracle of Grace) I saw a little girl today I saw it in her face. I watched her look upon that star Rev 1 on Dec 07 2008: dawned then as I kneeled down Original: Bright memories of seasons past dawned then as I kneeled down to ask her which one did she like from the lone stand in town. Words: tree, twilight, comfort, recipe, wonderland, memories, dawn, gift, soul, star This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: Dec 13 09, 09:46
Reason for edit: 3rd revision
·······  ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner           |
  
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Dec 7 08, 11:56
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#2
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 2,085 Joined: 24-May 04 From: Time, Immoral Member No.: 66 Writer of: Poetry |
Tis one for the heartstrings, Lori.
Merlin ······· ······· |
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Dec 7 08, 12:33
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#3
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hey there Wiz (Eric),
 Long time, no read!  How are you - we're getting our first snow today.  Sure you've seen some by now, eh?  Thals for stopping by - you always have great offerings - can you help me with this stanza: Bright memories of seasons past dawned then as I kneeled down to ask her which one did she like from the lone stand in town. The last line/couplet here is 'off'. Any suggestions are most appreciated! Cheers, ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Dec 7 08, 16:50
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#4
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 11,389 Joined: 15-June 07 From: Springfield, Louisiana Member No.: 446 Real Name: Larry D. Jennings Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Just wondered in. |
Hi Lori,
With eyes misted to the point where I can barely see what I'm typing, I'd like to say "Nice!". Hope I'm not assisting out of turn but the stanza you mentioned to Merlin might be adjusted with these tiny twists: Bright memories of seasons past dawned then as I {kneeled} [knelt] down to ask her which one did she like from {the} [this] lone stand in town. Happy Holidays. Larry ······· ·······When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers. Larry D. Jennings MM Award Winner   |
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Dec 7 08, 17:22
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#5
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Larry,
 Sorry to make your eyes mist up, although I must confess that is the reaction I was hoping for but not to be sad, but to see/feel the hope as Grace comes to understand that her father is always with her. The true miracle. I love the ideas you have for that stanza and will make the edit now - wonderful! I just couldn't think of another way to phrase it - I first had written 'from the only stand in town' - but that has one too many syllables. Happy Holidays to you and yours Larry. As I just mnetioned to Jan (Orion) in this same topic posted in the MMHC forum, may you have a blessed season ahead, one filled with grace and miracles. Happy Holidays, ~Lori 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Dec 9 08, 06:37
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#6
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
First revision posted - TY Larry!
   
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Dec 9 08, 14:36
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#7
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,802 Joined: 24-April 04 From: Connecticut Member No.: 58 Real Name: Ron Jones Writer of: Poetry |
Dear Cleo,
After reading "The Miracle of Grace", I failed to realize a whole stanza had been polished by Larry. I was wondering what golden age poet had written it, for it sounded so much like from a master and so did its message. Having found the faulty stanza, I noted two things. Here was a case where THE finally got his dum (heavy beat) and that your version was so close that I'll bet Larry only wiped it one light pass. (As to the THE getting his "dum", I once wrote a ditty suggesting that poor THE felt greatly passed over in always being a da.) Yours is a perfect Christmas season poem. Merry Christmas to you! Cheers, Ron jgdittier ps- I posted it at MM on 6/"05 ······· ······· |
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Dec 9 08, 15:28
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#8
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 11,389 Joined: 15-June 07 From: Springfield, Louisiana Member No.: 446 Real Name: Larry D. Jennings Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Just wondered in. |
Hi Lori,
That stanza reads much better with the changes. Glad I could be of some tiny assistance. Ron, it was only two words. Not a lot of polish was needed for such a lovely Christmas poem. Larry ······· ·······When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers. Larry D. Jennings MM Award Winner |
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Dec 9 08, 20:36
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#9
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,802 Joined: 24-April 04 From: Connecticut Member No.: 58 Real Name: Ron Jones Writer of: Poetry |
Dear Larry,
You're so right! Cheers to you both!! Ron jgdittier ······· ······· |
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Dec 17 08, 22:12
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#10
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 Assyrian Posts: 181 Joined: 13-September 07 From: Conway, Arkansas Member No.: 468 Real Name: Pamela Writer of: Poetry Referred By:self |
Lori...this brought tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat. Deeply poignant and evocative. Beautiful. Thank you, your poetry always touches my heart.
~Love, Pami ······· ·······A relaxed attitude, and a heart of gratitude, increases life whilst joy doth exude! <:))))><
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Dec 18 08, 06:39
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#11
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Ron,
Yeah - Larry's two suggestions really make a difference don't they? I should look for your older poem - what is the title of it? Happy Ho Ho Ho! ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Dec 18 08, 06:40
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#12
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Larry,
Yes, perhaps so but it really made a difference to me.  Thanks for your lovely comments on this one and happy Christmas! Lori
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Dec 18 08, 06:41
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#13
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Wow Pami,
Thank you so much for your kind words. It's an honor to hear when my scribbles touch someone. Thank you again! Merry Christmas ~Lori
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Dec 21 08, 14:40
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#14
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter |
Oh Lori, You've made me cry. This is a tear jerker complete with heart squeezed and aching. On the first few reads I couldn't get beyond the story, the imagery detailed and precise, or the aching feeling the lump in my throat gave me. And so, nothing jumped out right away. However, a small tiny nit revealed itself afterwards -
The tiniest nit stuck out it's tongue in S4/ L3 and L4 it seemed to feel awkward off the tongue. Perhaps ... "to ask her which one would she like from this loner's stand in town or maybe from this solo stand in town Everything else is perfect for my ear and heart... I might have to read it one more time to get the cries out... Hugs and lots of love, Liz ······· ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
MM Award Winner  |
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Nov 15 09, 07:52
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#15
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hello all,
 I've just made a few slight word and font changes to this holiday poem. So here is revision #2 for your commentary. Ho Ho Ho! ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Dec 5 09, 08:29
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#16
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Revision #3 now posted - title and (3) line wording changes
Cheers 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Dec 5 09, 10:29
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#17
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 11,389 Joined: 15-June 07 From: Springfield, Louisiana Member No.: 446 Real Name: Larry D. Jennings Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Just wondered in. |
Hi Lori,
It's beautiful again this year! One tiny nit... S3L2 has an extra syl. I believe if you take out the "a" and let it read: nor smile too wide to see -- It would then read as all the other L2's in your lovely poem. Larry ······· ·······When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers. Larry D. Jennings MM Award Winner |
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Dec 5 09, 11:54
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#18
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Larry,
Why thank you so much and Merry Christmas! Thanks so much for stopping by! I knew something wasn't right in that stanza.  I've made the edit now.  It's starting to snow here - WHIPPEE!   Now I can really start getting into the spirit. I'm going to decorate the tree today and more around the house. Fun!   Hugz Larry. ~Lori  ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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| Guest_Ellen_* |
Dec 11 09, 23:21
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#19
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I am so glad you revamped this or I may not have had the pleasure of reading it. The previous crits have helped you to polish this poem to perfection. But it is the thoughts from your compassionate heart that really makes it shine. And the tears it evokes make it glisten even more.
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Dec 12 09, 01:33
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#20
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 Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 783 Joined: 24-July 07 From: South Africa Member No.: 457 Real Name: Walter Schwim Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Mistral |
Hi Lori
I've watched this one for a while and it is a heat squeezer for sure. S1 stumbles for me but I am unable to offer a solution without a full edit and I don't know if its a big enough nit to warrant it. S1 - the thought order seems confused which weakens the opening stanza. L1 relates to L3 I met a little girl today who seemed to be quite sad while shopping for a Christmas tree, nowhere could I find ‘dad’. ie, the thought flow should go as follows; While shopping for . . . 3 I met a little girl . . . 1 who was sad . . . 2 because she had no DAD 4 See what I mean? the rhymes have fragmented the order. Not that important as the reader sees through immediately, but is just a tad ragged. Otherwise, beautiful! and a leading entry for the HC. Hugs, Wally ······· ······· |
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