 DO YOU LIKE KIPLING ?, A "Times Ten" from elsewhere ! |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Mar 2 08, 04:42
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#1
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 Laureate Legionnaire  Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends  |
DO YOU LIKE KIPLING* ?
Speak with the voice of the lion roar with a conscience quite clear stand tall and proud, to be counted on thus you will have nothing to fear Cook with a pot and a kettle each of them the brightest of white and you’ll grow a neat corporation others’ envy, or even delight Blink in the sun of approval wear a hat to keep in the shade be brazen in deed, but modest of boast thus, my son, you’ll have it made Alan McAlpine Douglas Challenge words : speak lion conscience cook kettle white corporation delight blink hat * Old joke : Do you like Kipling ? - I don’t know, I’ve never kippled .... My reference is to some of the style he uses in "If" ·······  ······· |
  
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Mar 2 08, 15:31
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#2
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,802 Joined: 24-April 04 From: Connecticut Member No.: 58 Real Name: Ron Jones Writer of: Poetry |
Dear Alan,
Yes, I like Kipling. I really like Kipling! You've done him proud. Those triples, the initial beat, make it rollicking and doing it with the restrictions of a ten word challenge makes it notable indeed! I like that initial beat, so my only suggestion is consider dropping the line ten "yet". I think the footage is accentual and if so, it doesn't impact the flow. I thank you too for this posting as it promotes the poetry of the bards of yore, my quest.Cheers, ron jgd ······· ······· |
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Mar 2 08, 17:42
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#3
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear Ron,
My goodness, such praise. "Yet" is gone ! Love Alan ······· ······· |
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Mar 3 08, 01:16
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#4
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter |
Hi Alan,
I am still working on my ear for accentual verse, so I cannot say if it is or not, I can agree with Ron that this is wonderful work and even more impressive to know it is a response to a word challenge. You've done to keep them from sounding forced. I often stumble with that problem. The only stumble I felt to my ear (again, I am not sure of the intended meter) was in S1L4 ... QUOTE and you can have nothing to fear Perhaps and there will be nothing to fear or and you will have nothing to fear I suppose it is the use of 'can' for me, it felt awkward in meaning. Other than that little nibble. I enjoyed the flow and the bouncing, blending sounds that complimented the smooth rhythm. Best Wishes, Liz ······· ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
MM Award Winner           |
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Mar 7 08, 12:35
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#5
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear Liz,
Nice to have your views. I've looked at that "can", and see nothing wrong with it that making it "will" or "should" improves. The the C sound echoes Counted in the prev line I take your point, but do not see anything that would actually improve ? Love Alan ······· ······· |
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Mar 7 08, 19:05
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#6
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 2,085 Joined: 24-May 04 From: Time, Immoral Member No.: 66 Writer of: Poetry |
I've Kippled a time or two, and must say that it was fun. During Yom Kipper, however, one must observe certain positions.
V3 seems to lose the cadence. The preceding L2's begin strong, but V3L2 doesn't want to. You might consider doffing the hat or something, should you wish to keep everything Kippled. Merlin ······· ······· |
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Mar 8 08, 00:39
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#7
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear Merlin,
Thanks for the comments - I think I get what you are saying re V3L2, I've changed it to "wear" - does that make it strong ? Doesn't doffing mean taking off, whereaas I as saying leave it on ? Love Alan ······· ······· |
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Mar 8 08, 19:11
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#8
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Alan,
An interesting set of words here and an equally interesting response, bravo!  In the corporate world I'm in, one must be careful when roaring like the lion, so as to be doing it to those who will 'howl in approval', else one will be tossed aside and devoured by vultures, LOL!   I have a couple of alternates below for you to ponder and as always, MIND THAT PUNCTUATION - add in the endstops and commas please, says the PP/.   and you can have nothing to fear Alternate: and you'll always have nothing to fear Blink in the sun of approval Alternate: Wink at the sun in approval be {immodest} [brazen] in deed, but {quiet} [civil] {of} [with] boasts Enjoyed! ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner   |
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Mar 8 08, 19:26
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#9
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 Assyrian Posts: 181 Joined: 13-September 07 From: Conway, Arkansas Member No.: 468 Real Name: Pamela Writer of: Poetry Referred By:self |
Very nice! I love the imagery and wisdom!
······· ·······A relaxed attitude, and a heart of gratitude, increases life whilst joy doth exude! <:))))><
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Mar 9 08, 17:20
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#10
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,802 Joined: 24-April 04 From: Connecticut Member No.: 58 Real Name: Ron Jones Writer of: Poetry |
Dear Alan,
I'm driven to come back time and again to this posting. Twice I've written rather long further comment, then decided to erase them as they just weren't clear enough in their meaning. I've written many para tributes, I believe 5 of Kipling poems, and so, your posting has much meaning to me. I believe we all need to develop our own style and I believe when I comment on other works, I'm tacitly proposing my style to others. Our styles and our goals in our Kipling "IF" pieces are different, but shouldn't I saw beautifully chosen. We set out goals high when we follow Kipling. I'm now satisfied to simply say, Alan, from my perspective, you're right on! Cheers, Ron jgd ······· ······· |
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Mar 10 08, 01:43
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#11
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter |
Hi Alan,
The poem is a pleasure. Thank you for sharing. As I mentioned, 'to my ear' and it is just a way of sharing thoughts... as always, it is up to the poet to know what is right for the poem! I hope to learn accentual verse (or acquire an ear for it soon enough) I find I enjoy reading it quite often. Blessings and best wishes, Liz ······· ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
MM Award Winner |
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Mar 10 08, 01:45
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#12
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear Lori,
Thank you so much. Sounds to me as if you could write a spoof of this based upon your business-world experience ! I have of course used the semi-slang meaning of "corporation" for a belly ! I have adopted/adapted some of your ideas, for which I thank you, but I will leave the blink, as it was a set word. As to puncts, I thought carefully. There are mid-line commas where needed, but the ends of lines give natural breaks which seem to be sufficient to guide the reader, so in this case I would query any further punct need. I often do use them, so I have no ideology there. Love Alan ······· ······· |
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Mar 10 08, 01:50
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#13
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear Pamela and Ron and Liz,
Thank you all for your visits, re-visits. I am delighted this poem has had so much attention. Ron, for you to write AND discard lengthily, twice even, feels like a great honor to me ! Tho I would not be upset if you did add further thoughts. Liz, you're earlier comment about "can" has had a latent effect, and as part of responding to Lori's thoughts I have "will" there now ! Love Alan ······· ······· |
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Mar 10 08, 05:55
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#14
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Well done Alan!
I like your revisions! SWEET!  ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Mar 15 08, 15:20
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#15
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear Cleo,
Thank you very much. Love Alan ······· ······· |
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Mar 15 08, 16:53
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#16
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter |
Hi Alan,
Love the changes - especially in L4 of S1. "...thus ' makes a grand improvement to my ear. That is excellent word working. The poem, to my ear and mind stands as a must read again and brings much pleasure to this reader. Best Wishes, Liz ······· ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
MM Award Winner |
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Mar 16 08, 03:02
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#17
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear Liz,
If I were capable of blushing .... Love Alan ······· ······· |
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