The Misting [3rd Revision, 17 May 08], Wizard Award Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

. .




Third Revision: Thanks Sylvia, John, Don, Ron, Larry and Liz!


The Misting


From wastelands come clarity, visions await
encircled by heralded whispers of late --
this paradise green, for those who have seen
angelic life-forces, seek Heaven's vast gate.

I look as a brightened confluence of white
cascades in a lucid, baptismal delight;
in fantasy’s thrall, the deep yearnings do call,
I reach for the mist which then cradles my fall.

The waters are calm in this euphoric place --
I wade in a crystalline world of embrace.
In apathy’s den, soft ripples now grin
applauding contentment I’ve found from within.

<sub>Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter 17 May 2008


Original:
In the wasteland of clarity visions await
encircled by heralded whispers of late --
this paradise green, for those who have seen
angelic life-forces, seek heavenly gate.

I look to a luminous merging of white
descending in lucid baptismal delight
in the furrow of fantasy, inferences call
I reach for the misting to cradle my fall…

The waters are calm in this euphoric place;
I wade in a crystalline world of embrace.
In recesses of apathy, levers grin
absorbing contentment I’ve found from within.


First Rev 15 Feb 08:
I look to a luminous merging of white
descending in lucid, baptismal delight
in the furrow of fantasy, presumptions call;
I reach for the misting to cradle my fall…

Second Rev 18 Feb 08:
In the labyrinth of clarity visions await
encircled by heralded whispers of late --
this paradise green, for those who have seen
angelic life-forces, seek Heaven's vast gate.

I look to a luminous merging of white
descend in lucid, baptismal delight
in the furrow of fantasy, yearnings call;
I reach for the misting to cradle my fall…

The waters are calm in this euphoric place;
I wade in a crystalline world of embrace.
In recesses of apathy, ripples grin --
applauding contentment I’ve found from within.</sub>

This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: Jun 1 08, 09:04

Reason for edit: 2nd Revision

[Psyche]

Hey, I missed this one, Lori! I believe I participated in that challenge. It was before life got complicated with Carlos's ill-health and my own stuff. Hope to get back again.

This poem is SO pretty, it makes me wish I was in that glade by the waterfall! I think I only have one or two comments, not really crits. Let's see:


In the wasteland of clarity visions await

I like L1, but somehow 'wasteland of clarity' seems to be a contradiction. A wasteland makes me envision a dull, abandoned place, with rubbish. Maybe: 'In the wasteland, visions of clarity await'.
Or something similar, take or toss.

encircled by heralded whispers of late --
this paradise green, for those who have seen Great inner rhyme.
angelic life-forces, seek heavenly gate.

L4 seems to have some grammatical glitch. Who seeks heavenly gate? Those? Maybe remove the comma? Dunno....

I look to a luminous merging of white
descending in lucid baptismal delight
in the furrow of fantasy, inferences call L3, 'inferences' a bit of a mouthful?
I reach for the misting to cradle my fall…

The waters are calm in this euphoric place;
This line makes me stumble. Perhaps remove the initial 'The"?

I wade in a crystalline world of embrace.
In recesses of apathy, levers grin I don't understand 'levers grin', Lori.

absorbing contentment I’ve found from within.


I think most of my comments are because I don't understand a few things, but otherwise I simply love the luminosity of your poem, you've chosen such adequate vocabulary, so light & poetical!

Thanks for sharing,
hugs, Syl ***

[JLY]

The Misting
Lori,

I like how you use calm waters as an image to transmit your theme of horizons beckoning sense of tranquility.


In the wasteland of clarity visions await - I don't think of clarity being a wasteland
encircled by heralded whispers of late --
this paradise green, for those who have seen
angelic life-forces, seek heavenly gate. - could also be "heaven's"

I look to a luminous merging of white
descending in lucid[,] baptismal delight
in the furrow of fantasy, inferences call - to ease the lenght / mouthful, maybe illation
I reach for the misting to cradle my fall…

The waters are calm in this euphoric place;
I wade in a crystalline world of embrace.
In recesses of apathy, levers grin
absorbing contentment I’ve found from within. - absorbing doesn't seem to carry the emotion that you are trying to portray...perhaps something like "praising" might add some clarity to it

Overall, I enjoyed this very much.

JLY

[Guest_Don_*]

A blast from the past.

What does, "...levers grin" mean?

Don

[jgdittier]

Dear Cleo,
I see before but 12 lines. Yet those lines strike me with many thoughts, the very first being that they sing, the characteristic I like most about poetry.
I recognize that most modern poets do not attribute great value to poetic flow, but then, your picture of the waterfall does seem to promote it.
As one who treasures form in poetry, my comments apply more to it than to word choices, images and the message.
I consider this piece accentual verse, all in tetrameter. Others might elect primarly anapestic tetrameter.
Its flow for me is such that the rhyme scheme is of less import, but on more careful review, I come up with aaba,ccdd,eeff. That is, it begins with what looks to be Omarian but doesn't maintain it. However, the flow is so musical, it hardly mattered to me.
The picture seems to set the scene for your ninth line in that I expected the presence of obvious ripples as the waterfall splashes into the pond. Your writing infers the surprisingly tranquility of the pond's surface, perhaps euphoric.
I interpret your choice of words throughout the piece is to leave much of the interpretation of your thoughts to the reader. Were I to try to write a para of it, I'd fail.
One of the reasons I describe this as accentual rather than anapestic is line 7.
In my own works I use much alliteration and I'm a stickler in assuring that the alliteratives sounds fall on the heavy beats. I scan line 7 as --/--/---/--/. I read that line aloud and skip over the extra weak beat, but my muse disapproves.
I'd review the use of wasteland/paradise in the first quatrain and am lost with "levers grin".
On the whole, the idyllic location, the word-images and the soothing flow of "The Misting"
makes this piece memorable for me.
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Sylvia,

Yes, I believe you also responded to this Pandora challenge. You should post the poem, Syl (if you like, I can find it for you as well in the Monthly Challenge Archive)!

I fell in love with the image, so wanted to post it up for a challenge, then I realized that I never put my response up for critique, LOL (until now). Thanks for your compliments on my poetic attempt to convey that beauty!


On to your comments: Re: In the wasteland of clarity visions await - this was a snippet that had to be used in the reply, but here in this forum, I have the liberty of tweaking it - I agree now looking at it again, it does seem to be a contradiction in terms, LOL - so I've just made a revision to 'In the labyrinth of clarity' to symbolize confusion and many choices to take.

I'm still toying with that comma in L4 in S1, it's "Those" who are seeking the gate, the ones the visions hint at.

Yeppers, I agree that 'inferences' a bit of a mouthful and have also revised it to 'presumptions' , which is more in line with my message there as I think so much is presumed/assumed about death and/or Heaven.

Levers grin was another of those phrases that had to be used, but in my context, I had meant for it to mean a handle that reached, grinning at the narrator wading. I'vev edited that bit too so now it's 'ripples' thanks to Ron's comment.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and questions Sylvia on those confusing bits and the rhythms and message. I appreciate your feedback!

HUGS
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello John,

Thank you very much, I'm glad that you like this and find it calming and tranquil (that was my intended theme).

Yes, it was a required phrase in S1L1 but I've now edited it to 'labyrinth'. What do you think? In L4, I also had: seek heaven's vast gate initially in mind, so have switched it back to that one.

Hmm, elation isn't quite what I mean there, but I have gone ahead and tweaked inferences to presumptions in the following line: in the furrow of fantasy, inferences call. The new word is more in line with my thoughts there in S2.

Ahh, that last bit, I like praising and it could work there , but since I've changed levers to ripples, I opted to change absorbing to applauding, as I hope this will personify the ripples and the bow of approval they offer to the narrator now finding that contentment previous lost in the labyrinth of clarity.

Thanks so much for your comments and your compliments too!
HUGS
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

A blast from the past.

What does, "...levers grin" mean?

Don

Hi Don,

Good question! It was a required phrase and I was trying to convey levers as being handles, like a tool, that was reaching out, grinning at the narrator, but I see that doesn't work well. I've made a rev there to 'ripples' and hope that works. Amid the calmness, a few ripples still dominate, but approve of the eventual state of mind the narrator achieves.

Thanks for stopping by!
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Dear Ron,

I am honored and thrilled by your comments on this attempt to convey the calm, tranquil feeling I got when I first saw the image. While I didn't go there, another aspect I really love about waterfalls is the sounds the water itself makes, the splashing, the drips, the ripples, the wind blowing through it, all that - it is just an awesome, tranquil state of being for me, very hypnotic!

You and I both like to write in a format that can be likened to sing-songy rhythms/flows and I'm glad to have achieved it here. Yay!

I must confess Ron, while I was trying to maintain tets here, I was really going by the 'sound' of each line and not a specific type of meter so I cannot tell you which it is, accentual or anapestic. Maybe it's a bit of both?

I come up with aaba,ccdd,eeff. That is, it begins with what looks to be Omarian but doesn't maintain it. However, the flow is so musical, it hardly mattered to me.
Thanks so much Ron! You know, you've just made me realize I didn't maintain the 2nd 'b' in the first stanza as intended! Off the top though, I can't think of a swap for 'gate' that rhymes with 'seen' or the opposite, an alternate for 'seen' that rhymes with 'gate', but I'll think on that further.

Yes, L9 is really my idea behind the image: The waters are calm in this euphoric place; and thanks to your expectation of 'ripples' I've edited the poem to include them in the revision. I just love the sounds and with this change, I'm hoping that personifying them, will add to the message of 'approval' (applauding edit).

I encourage you to try and write a para Ron, you know me, I always leave much of the interpretation of my thoughts to the reader (which sometimes fails miserably). It's a difficult balance to achieve.

Thanks for the bump noticed in l7 - inferences really wasn't the right word - I've changed it to presumptions - does this smooth things out there?

Again, thanks for your comment too on "levers grin", and "wasteland" - I've changed both. What do you think of the revision?

I'm thrilled to learn you find this piece a memorable one! WOW, what a compliment! TY!
Cheers,
~Cleo

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Cleo,

Thanks for the clarification.

Reading the thread I chuckle at your writing that inferences is a mouthful, but you changed it to presumptions ,which is equally chunky to me. I think the true reason is the second sounds better in this context than the first.

Don

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Don,

You're welcome! He he, yeppers another mouthful, but Ido think the word change better represents my intent.

Thanks for stopping by!
~Cleo

[Psyche]

Hi Lori!

Great revision!

I agree with Don that 'presumption' is er... chunky, but better than previous. I'll try to come up with something... maybe!

Congrats!
Syl ***

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Sylvia,

Thanks for the comments on the rev!

Yep, presumptions is still chunky there - maybe 'reason will call', or 'reason does call'?

Whatcha think?
~Cleo

[Psyche]

Me again!

I've thought of 'yearnings', 'emotions', 'sentiments'....
Also 'desires', 'passions', 'raptures'.

Take or toss!!!

Syl ***

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Syl,

Hmm, I think 'desires' would work there?

Let me think on it a bit - and thanks again!

~Cleo

[Psyche]

Ooooooo, I'm a slowbee, missed your reply.

But does 'reason' tally with the fantasy world you've created? I mean the vocabulary, dunno....

Hugs, Syl ***

[Cleo_Serapis]

I think reason is a lesser word choice as 'cravings' or 'yearnings' is more in line with what this MC is after.

Craving implies a deep and imperative wish for something, based on a sense of need and hunger whereas yearning suggests feelings that impel one to the attainment or possession of something.

So, in this sense:

I look to a luminous merging of white
descending in lucid, baptismal delight
in the furrow of fantasy, yearnings call;
I reach for the misting to cradle my fall…

I think this works - do you?
~Cleo

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Cleo,

Does yearnings need to be possessive?

Optional is: "...yearning calls"

Don

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Don,

The reason is I was trying to keep 'call' as singular due to its rhyming companion: 'fall' but I think grammatically 'a yearning calls' works even so - and the other option I thought of was; a longing calls.

I look to a luminous merging of white
descending in lucid, baptismal delight
in the furrow of fantasy, yearning calls;
I reach for the misting to cradle my fall…

OR

I look to a luminous merging of white
descending in lucid, baptismal delight
in the furrow of fantasy, longing calls;
I reach for the misting to cradle my fall…

Whatcha think of these options?
~Cleo

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Cleo,

I see no objection to one of two rhymed words ending with an S. Of course, it is purer rhyme otherwise.

Why not use singular call anyway?

Longing is much more prone to be passed over quickly than yearning. The question is do you want the reader to move rapidly or sorta pause at this point. Also you have noted earlier the latter word says what you desire better than the former.

My objection is using words ending with ING, but not painfully objectionable.

Just one person's opinion, Cleo.

Don