The Christmas Mouse (Revision 1/tweaked)

The Christmas mouse
lives down south
in a house
on a farm
with much charm,
and every year
he gives cheer
to Santa's deer.

He takes the time
to write a rhyme
for each one
on Santa's run.

The deer are happy
and quite sappy
with the rhymes
the mouse writes
on his site
for the deers' delight.

Now they say
that Christmas day
south of Atlanta
dear old Santa
visits the mouse
in the house
on the farm
with much charm
to thank him
for his vim
and his rhymes
at Christmas time.

Peggy Carpenter Harwood




The Christmas Mouse (Original)

The Christmas mouse
lives down south
on a farm
with much charm,
and every year
he gives cheer
to Santa's deer.

He takes the time
to write a rhyme
for each one
on Santa's run.

The deer are happy
and quite snappy
with the notes
the mouse posts
on his site.

So it is right
that old Santa
visits the mouse
in the house
on the farm
with much charm
on Christmas Eve!

So write some rhymes
at Christmas time
to get a visit
from old St. Nick!

Peggy Carpenter Harwood

Hi Peggy,

This certainly IS a cute Christmas ditty! I've made just a few suggestions below on the line layout for you to ponder as you wish.

Enjoyed the read!
~Cleo

[add] (for added meter/flow if you choose)

The Christmas mouse
[he] lives down south
on a [country-side] farm
[that's filled] with much charm,
and every year
he {gives} [celebrates] cheer
to Santa's [rein]deer.

He takes the time
to write a rhyme
for {each} [every] one
on Santa's run.

The deer are happy
and quite snappy
with the notes
the mouse posts
on his site.

So it is [al]right
that old Santa (this one doesn't have a corrsponding rhyming line and throws the poem's rhyme scheme off. Perhaps something like: that this jolly man
takes up with a plan,)
visits the mouse
in the [cute little] house
on the [country-side] farm
[that's filled] with much charm
[so all will believe]
on Christmas Eve! (this one doesn't have a corrsponding rhyming line and throws the poem's rhyme scheme off)

So write some rhymes
at Christmas time
to get a {visit} [pick] (this one doesn't have a corrsponding rhyming line and throws the poem's rhyme scheme off)
from old St. Nick!

Hi Cleo,

Thank you so much for reading and for your suggestions and comments!! As always they're much appreciated!!

I won't be able to do much of anything on this poem for a bit. I'm trying to prepare a submission to a publisher and most of my time and effort will be on that for a bit.

Peggy

No worries - you could if you choose, post this in our MMHC as one of the entries for the contest

Good luck with your submission to a publisher too!

~Cleo

Hi Peggy,
i like the poem.
Peggy, Cleo, I am just learning to write form poetry, so this poem and the comment helped a lot.
Thank you for sharing.

Peggy,
I enjoyed your offering. It had a sing-song ring to it and it had a bouncy, happy theme.

JLY

Hi prerna and John,

Thanks so much for reading and commenting!

As you see, I just now revised to make all the end stops rhyme. The rhythm is off a tad, but I'm leaving that for now.

Thanks again for dropping by and Merry Christmas!!!!

Peggy

Dear Peggy,
Welcome to ditty-land!
A witty ditty!

I believe that mouse is leaving droppings in my kitchen drawers...
Cheers, Ron jgdittier

Hi Ron,

Thanks for reading!! Sorry about the mouse in your house leaving droppings in your drawers!!

Peggy

Dear Peggy,
Good that they were kitchen drawers!
Cheers, Ron jgdittier

Hi Peggy!

I really enjoyed your Christmas ditty! I only have one suggestion...I would change the "vim"in your third to last line on the last stanza to "whim". While the mouse displays energy in doing
this every year, he does it as a whim, as a gift, and makes one relate to the "whimsy" of your
cute ditty. Just a thought to take or discard as you choose.

Warm Christmas Wishes,
Pami

Hi Pami,

Thanks so much for reading and for your wonderful suggestion!!!

Have a Merry Christmas!!!

Peggy

Hi Peggy,

As mentioned this is a most adorable Christmas poem. I like the short, quick beating lines help me to feel the scurrying of a mouse. I've just a few minor offers regarding your revision. I suppose I kept wanting to read several of the lines in a 4 syllable verse. (I'll leave an example, but please don't give it much thought as the poem reads lovely in it's present format.)
I hope something I leave helps. Either way, this was a delight to read and I will probably pass on by again just for the warmth of the read.

Best Wishes, Liz




Perhaps in L6 you can utilize 'each' so that in S2, you could switch every in L6 S1 with L3 of S2.



The rhythm you've set up in S2 stumbles in L3 so perhaps

He takes the time
to write a rhyme
for every one
on Santa's run.

To my ear that would smooth it out a bit.





This is so lovely both in sentiment and ease on the ear... I also put a thumbs up on the repetition of S1 into the final stanza, it enhances the story perfectly.

Best Wishes, Liz

Hi Liz,

I am so glad you like the ditty!!! Thank you very much.

I switched "each" and "every," but I'm not sure if I'll keep it. When I put "every" in front of "one," it creates a compound word, "everyone." I'm not sure whether I want that or not. That would make a two word line. What do you think?

Again, I'm so glad you like the poem!!!

Merry Christmas!!!

Peggy

Hey Peggy.

I see your point on 'every one' I will think on perhaps a more suitable substitute; and then again, the stumble was just to my own ear and wasn't so that it slowed my read or took anything away from the poem over all. A minor notice. So unless something that really makes a brilliant difference comes to mind the original works!

Hugs, Liz

Hi Liz,

Thank you for the speedy reply. I will put it back as it was unless something better hits us.

Peggy