Cuckold, English Sonnet Options

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Cuckold

Play, Minstrel, play – let music fill my soul
and leave no room for false Elizabeth;
or rather thoughts of her, that hold me thrall
to bitter memories that summon Death.
For her? For me? For both! A fitting fate,
release for me and due desserts for her.
Lord, how could love so quickly turn to hate
I'd wish her dead? - and Faith does not deter.
Sing, Bard, of happy times and perfect loves,
paint fiction’s false veneer o’er savage fact;
I’ll lose this lust, however hard it proves,
or find damnation in a single act.
‘Twas always thus, that Man must make a choice
‘twixt Selfish need and Heaven’s guiding voice.

17 Aug Edit line 8 amended from 'to wish her dead and Faith does not deter?'
line 13 'men' amended to Man'

[Alan]

Dear Jim,

A combo of Last Duchess and that other poem you mentioned the other day, To His Reluctant Mistress ?

Jim, was stopped dead by :

to wish her dead and Faith does not deter?

could be

to wish her dead, while Faith does not deter?

I'd also look at

‘Twas always thus, that men must make a choice

and offer

‘Twas always thus, that mAn must make a choice, seems to make it more universal ?

You have been posting some great stuff the past few weeks, keep at it !

Love
Alan

[AMETHYST]

Hi Jim...

I missed reading your wonderful work. It is a rare day that I read one of your offerings and do not come away from it with stirrings of desire to write something as good - This is no acception. First I so enjoyed the archaic voice, it brings forth a romantic, poetic time and of course brings out the best of what a good old fashioned Sonnet can do to ones heart.

Some minor thoughts and comments to follow. I do hope you are well and I am getting my feet wet in the critique avenue again so forgive me if it isn't like old critiques... a little step at a time!

Cuckold

Play, Minstrel, play – let music fill my soul
and leave no room for false Elizabeth;
or rather, thoughts of her that hold me thrall

Perhaps omitting the comma after rather or move it to after 'her' -
"or rather thoughts of her, that hold me thrall

to bitter memories that summon Death.
For her? For me? For both! A fitting fate,
release for me and due desserts for her.
Lord, how could love so quickly turn to hate,
to wish her dead and Faith does not deter?

I will put in my second vote on Alan's suggestion of 'while Faith does not deter?"

Sing, Bard, of happy times and perfect loves,

A quick suggestion of ' ... of gleeful times -" to utilitize a closer archaic word fitting to your scene and voice chosen.

paint fiction’s false veneer o’er savage fact;
I’ll lose this lust, however hard it proves,
or find damnation in a single act.
‘Twas always thus, that men must make a choice
‘twixt Selfish need and Heaven’s guiding voice.

These final lines are wonderful. Especially L10. It actually dances into the air when spoken aloud and is so pleasant on the ear... Strong ending couplet as well. You hadn't left anything to really pick at so - I am surprised to find the two little mentions I did.


Big Hugs .... Liz

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Hi Jim, I am not one of form and function though this is well done, I just don't see the connection twixt title and the verse? May haps tis me.

Take care
Steve

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Hi, Alan,

to deal with your second point first, I agree that MAN is more appropriate in line 13. On your first point, I have been giving that a bit of thought. I think the real problem there is that I'm being a little greedy - I want 'Faith' to refer back to 'Lord', of course but more importantly to the 'wish her dead' thought, ie 'thou shalt not kill' isn't stopping the murder/suicide plans forming. I've made a minor edit to vocabulary and punctuation there in the hope that it will clarify intent. On punctuation generally, this is intended for oral delivery so any punctuation should be seen as a guideline only, the 'performer' will have different interpretations of certain sections.

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Hi, Liz,

thanks for stopping by, always appreciated. You'll see I've taken your suggestion on the comma placement in line 3, much closer to intended thought, thank you. On line 8, I hope my edit re Alan's suggestion will meet your objections there. On 'gleeful', I wanted to contrast his present state of mind with the music he's requesting and your suggestion does do that, but perhaps a bit too strongly for what I want - I do want line 10 to hit the reader so kept line 9 as banal as possible. That's my thoughts today, but who knows what lies ahead? As you know, poets don't write, they rewrite.

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Hi, Steve,

Hi Jim, I am not one of form and function though this is well done, I just don't see the connection twixt title and the verse? May haps tis me.

Take care
Steve

I must admit that I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to make the connection clearer. Line 2 talks of 'false Elizabeth', line 10 gives you 'savage fact' and I've tried to present the thought processes of a man who has just discovered that his wife has been unfaithful. The archaic language is a nod to Shakespeare's Othello which I thought might also help readers to understand the premise. Does any of that help or is there something more I'm missing?
Jim

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Jim, not your fault, never read Othello, and I am not much of one for archaic verse either, I have a much different definition of 'cuckold' in my brain...lol. I guess I will have to study more to get into the nomination for 'letch' ...five stages of a pervert...1.prevert 2. pervert. 3. post vert 4dirty old man 5 Letch Bonus points for acting like Aqualung....LOL.

Take care
Steve

[AMETHYST]

HI Jim,

Love your poetry. The improvements are strong. Look forward to a more deeper look at the revions and will return with some compliments and comments.

Hugs, Liz

[Eisa]

Hi Jim

A wonderful poem - polished by your recent tweaks.

Snow