Triune [revised 25 July 2010] Options

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Triune Revision 1

My Soul knows God at instinct’s basic level,
it never entertains a shred of doubt,
and celebrates at intuition’s revels
whenever Godhead’s spoor is pointed out.

My Spirit elevates when He is near me
in prayer - or rather, talking with a friend
who really hears and understands me clearly,
supporting me whatever life may send.

My Heart expands to compass all my friendships
to recognise what each has meant to me,
yet still finds room to offer berths to new ‘ships’
that lets them anchor, safe from stranger sea.

But Soul is not synonymous with Spirit
nor Spirit quite coterminous with Heart
though each provides a measure to the unit
which makes of Man a precious work of Art.

Original

My Soul knows God at instinct’s basic level:
it never entertains a shred of doubt
and celebrates at intuition’s revels
whenever Godhead’s spoor is pointed out.

My Spirit elevates when He is near me;
at prayer, or just conversing with a friend
who really listens - one I know who hears me -
and stands by me whatever life may send.

My Heart expands to compass all my friendships
in recognition of our kindred state
and still finds room to offer berths to new ‘ships’
that lets them stop, not pass as ‘stranger’ freight.

But Soul is not synonymous with Spirit
nor Spirit quite coterminous with Heart
though each provides a measure to the unit
which makes of Man a precious work of Art.

[Eisa]

Hi Jim

How good to read your work again - as usual very well writen.

On first read I cannot see anything I'd change - although in St 3 L3 you have 11 syllables which caused me to stumble.

I always think of 'soul' and 'spirit' being one and the same, but your poem has reminded me that they are different.

I have learned a new word too - 'coterminous'. I love adding new words to my list!

The last stanza is my favourite - especially the last line.

which makes of Man a precious work of Art

I hope we'll be seeing more of you, Jim - and your work

Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Jim,

Good to see you here again! I'm to a meeting but wanted to paste in my comments before I go. As always, T or T as you wish.

My Soul knows God at instinct’s basic level, *suggest changing to a colon or semi-colon
it never entertains a shred of doubt,
and celebrates at intuition’s revels
whenever Godhead’s spoor is pointed out. *Interesting word: spoor as in trail?

My Spirit elevates when God is near me; *suggest changing God to He and deleting the semi colon
at prayer, or just conversing with a friend
who really listens - one I know who hears me *perhaps use ‘see’ instead of ‘me’ again, really listens and hears me is a bit redundant – is that your intent in this line?
and stands by me whatever life may send. *Stands by me is a bit cliché, is there another way to phrase? Lovely imagery and sentiments in this stanza!

My Heart expands to compass all my friendships
in recognition of our kindred state
and still finds room to offer berths to new ‘ships’
that lets them stop, not pass as ‘stranger’ freight. * a little bump here in flow. Not too keen IMO on ‘stranger freight’ – is there another way to say this?

But Soul is not synonymous with Spirit
nor Spirit quite coterminous with Heart
though each provides a measure to the unit
which makes of Man a precious work of Art.
FABULOUS!!!

Enjoyed the read!
~Cleo

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Hi, Snow,

thanks for stopping by, always appreciated. This is basically an exercise in hypermetrics, following the 'If' model, so all the odd lines are 11 syllables - or should be. There seems to be a problem with that stanza though, perhaps that's what drew your attention, so will have to re-think it a little,
Jim

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Hi, Lori,

thank you for visiting and leaving such a full response.

On S1,l1, I do like the colon and accept it gratefully. 'Spoor' is a reference to the signs a tracker can follow, funnily enough it's science that provides most of these.

On S2,l1, yes can agree that 'He' would work there - I couldn't reference 'God' directly in S3 and that would help in the transition. On l3 repetition of 'me', this is part of the compound rhyme 'near me/hears me' and hoped that this would offset the 's' intrusion of 'hears' so do not have a great objection - the use of 'see' would colloquialise (is that a word?) this in a way I wouldn't want, but if others pick up on that I may have to look again. The redundancy is quite deliberate; what I wanted to suggest here is that 'prayer' is the 'conversing with a friend' in a Topol-like way and this repetition is meant to counter the 'God never listens' argument with its double assertion to the contrary. The 'stands by me' cliche' - I should point out that I have no objection to cliches per se, seems churlish to deny myself the use of an image that says exactly what I mean just because someone else has use it first: a poet should use every tool in his/her toolbox, even those borrowed from a friend.

S3 is definitely the weakest imo; what I wanted to address is the casual acquaintances and the use of nautical images were influences by that thought - hence the verb form of 'compass'. The 'freight' image is weak but it is an attempt to invoke those 'ships that pass in the night'. The bump you point out may arise from the natural caesura after 'stop', will have to think longer on that but as you suggest, there's always another way to say it.
Jim

[Michelle]

Hello Bombadil, I'm glad to meet you. Be advised that I haven't written or critiqued in a couple of years, so I am rusty.

What I find the most beautiful in this poem is the 'Triune' unity of the whole of it. Very apt title by the way. Man is Spirit, Soul and Heart - very nice fleshing out of such an abstract concept. Your poem leads me to think that in this way we are made in God's image. From my own understanding, I would switch the meaning of spirit and soul - but that is what makes each of us unique. You've handled the subject matter marvelously, imo.

I also like use of eleven syllable odd lines. For me it kind of joins the next line more smoothly.

I agree with Lori about omitting the colon in S2L1.

I also think that you can revise the beginning of S2L3 very easily and keep your "hear me".

I paused a bit at the rhymes in S3 'Spirit/unit'. For me, the last two syllables should rhyme when ending on an unaccented syllable.


Your poem is beautiful and meaningful. I have truly reading it in depth.

my best,

Michelle

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Hi, Michelle,

nice to meet you, and thank you for stopping by- always appreciated. I've revised this a little and you can see the 'semi' is gone in S2 and the redundancy has been removed (I hope). The 'spirit/unit' rhyme is still there though, the latter image is important to the premise of this piece and I don't see a way of changing this without removing it. Of course, if anyone has any suggestions I'm always ready to listen,
Jim