I like to watch your eyes when you pray for me Options

[Guest_dflore_*]

they are as true as the wood our Savior was nailed to
and they weep onto the dirt
I have covered myself with
it is then I am closer to God's shimmer
where He has made a place for us to splash
the water there laughs with us
we ride the current to eternity's shore
and see the luster of truth

[Siren]

Hello D,

The beauty in religion and one's faith is really hard to show clearly. I like the thought on this but honestly it's a bit unclear. Perhaps you need to edit parts of it?

I know you start the poem as a continuance of the title, but that in itself is confusing because it makes the read feel choppped. Plus the confusion continues through the parts where we are not sure if you are dicussing the eyes or another factor in the first three lines.

Thank you for the read and I would offer a clearer version of my thoughts if you'd like.

Dani

[anaisa]

Hi- this is beautiful! I love the ending.

K

they are as true as the wood our Savior was nailed to
and they weep onto the dirt
I have covered myself with
it is then I am closer to God's shimmer
where He has made a place for us to splash
the water there laughs with us
we ride the current to eternity's shore
and see the luster of truth

[merle]

Hi Dan -

There are some beautiful and insightful lines in this poem. I think you should use your title as the first line in this poem and think up a title to reflect the meaning of the entire poem. I'm not a big fan of using the same words in a poem...i.e. true and truth. I really like how you used true describing the wood (cross), in the first line, that's a keeper! Not only because it describes the cross but it also reflects His promise...love that! The next three lines are equally brillant. However, after that it loses a little bit of it's shine. I realize you are writing about baptisms and living eternally in heaven but these lines need a little bit of work to reach the reader as well as the beginning of your poem. That being said, this is one of my favorite poems I've read on here.

Robin

[Eisa]

Hi there -

This is a beautiful poem, but like Robin I would like to see the title as the first line. I think it would enrich the poem, somehow.

Snow