Paper Moon, Was Fabrications... made revisions Options

[Siren]

revised


You form thoughts within lines,
place brackets to emphasize
your desires.
You mold me into the corner
of your world
to listen as you swear devotion.

"Slave beneath your feet",
you profess with ample feeling.

My eyes search deep
into that unknown corner,
find it empty...

I glimpse your fabricated speech
where sun rides the sky
reflected within your orbs.
You stare, vacantly,
smile venally
as night hails.


Those spoken lines echo
hauntingly
through my dreams.
Painful serenades form
I long to silence;
nullify
as I groan...

YOU LIE!

The letters glide
over crumpled pages of our story,
tears find no use in forming.
You are but a sunlit illusion,

a hollow moon
eclipsed by lies.




original


You form thoughts within lines,
place brackets to emphasize your desires.
You mold me into the corner of your world
and swear devotion.
"Slave beneath your feet",
you pant.

My eyes scan unseen corners,
find them empty... You lie.

Is that your fabricated speech I glimpse
where sun rides the sky
within your orbs?
You stare at me, smile venally,
as night falls upon us.

Your lines echo hauntingly
through my dreams.
Painful serenades form
which I seek to mute; nullify.

YOU LIE!

As letters glide over crumpled pages
of our story, tears find no use in forming,
for you are but a sunlit illusion,

a moon eclipsed by lies.

[Eisa]

Hi Dani

It's good to read one of your vivid poems again. It's late now & I'll have to come back and read again.
Just one thing that struck me on first readng.

"Slave beneath your feet",
you pant.

If it is 'he' that is talking, shouldn't it be

"Slave beneath my feet",
you pant.

Perhaps I have misunderstood.

Great to see you around
Hugs
Snow

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Dani, A very outstanding piece, I understood the slave beneath your feet bit, I think you could eliminate those last two lines and this would be even better. Other than that I find no nits...
Steve

[vessq]

Hi Dani,

This is a good poem. I read the other suggestions and have only one to add.

There are a few spare words here, that, in my opinion, the poem can do without.

For example,

You form thoughts within lines,
place brackets to emphasize desires,
mold me into the corners of your world,
and swear devotion.

I just removed a few words to make the verse flow better.

Good work. I like the poem.


Vess

[Psyche]

Hi Dani!

Wonderful to read another of your enigmatically sensual poems! And highly original poetical expressions. I'll read now & see if I have nits, but will come back again because it deserves more time.


You form thoughts within lines,
place brackets to emphasize your desires.
You mold me into the corner of your world
and swear devotion.
"Slave beneath your feet",
you pant.

I love this opening S, except that it's a little confusing. Does the lying lover form the thoughts within lines and place the brackets? Or does the poet feel as if the lover does that, by some supernatural power?

Perhaps:

You form thoughts within my lines,
I place brackets to emphasize your desires.
I'm molded into your corner of the world
as you swear devotion.
"Slave beneath your feet",
you pant.

I probably haven't grasped your real meaning, so please TorT, just ideas!



My eyes scan unseen corners,
find them empty... You lie.

Is that your fabricated speech I glimpse
where sun rides the sky
within your orbs?
You stare at me, smile venally,
as night falls upon us.

Beautiful, Dani!

Your lines echo hauntingly
through my dreams.
Painful serenades form <<<<<<<<<<< play? haunt me?
which I seek to mute; nullify.

YOU LIE!

As letters glide over crumpled pages
of our story, tears find no use in forming,
for you are but a sunlit illusion,

a moon eclipsed by lies.

I realize you're using the words form or forming for a purpose. It appears to me that the lovers' story is being written by another hand, or is writing itself, which is a fantastic poetical recourse. Just at times it's confusing, at least to me, because each S carries a variant, and I'm not altogether sure which road you're taking...Am I making any sense?!

It's still a very beautiful poem, and I'm most likely the dense one...LOL...
Hugs, Syl***

[Siren]

Hi Dani

It's good to read one of your vivid poems again. It's late now & I'll have to come back and read again.
Just one thing that struck me on first readng.

"Slave beneath your feet",
you pant.

If it is 'he' that is talking, shouldn't it be

"Slave beneath my feet",
you pant.

Perhaps I have misunderstood.

Great to see you around
Hugs
Snow

Hey Eira,

It seems that I keep apologizing everytime I disappear and return. I gues life does take its toll on me more than I should allow.

Well, he is saying the phrase, but he is promising to be my slave, not me being his. Maybe I should reinvent this?

Miss interating with you my dear friend.

Dani

[Siren]

Dani, A very outstanding piece, I understood the slave beneath your feet bit, I think you could eliminate those last two lines and this would be even better. Other than that I find no nits...
Steve

Hey Steve,

I do believe i have to go back to the drawing boards on this one. I want to polish it. Thanks for the suggestion... will consider it.
Dani

[Siren]

Hi Dani,

This is a good poem. I read the other suggestions and have only one to add.

There are a few spare words here, that, in my opinion, the poem can do without.

For example,

You form thoughts within lines,
place brackets to emphasize desires,
mold me into the corners of your world,
and swear devotion.

I just removed a few words to make the verse flow better.

Good work. I like the poem.


Vess

Hey Vess,

I love the suggestions and will incorporate them here soon. I thank you for taking the time on this and hope u get back when the rewrite is done...

dani

[Siren]

Hi Dani!

Wonderful to read another of your enigmatically sensual poems! And highly original poetical expressions. I'll read now & see if I have nits, but will come back again because it deserves more time.


You form thoughts within lines,
place brackets to emphasize your desires.
You mold me into the corner of your world
and swear devotion.
"Slave beneath your feet",
you pant.

I love this opening S, except that it's a little confusing. Does the lying lover form the thoughts within lines and place the brackets? Or does the poet feel as if the lover does that, by some supernatural power?

Perhaps:

You form thoughts within my lines,
I place brackets to emphasize your desires.
I'm molded into your corner of the world
as you swear devotion.
"Slave beneath your feet",
you pant.

I probably haven't grasped your real meaning, so please TorT, just ideas!



My eyes scan unseen corners,
find them empty... You lie.

Is that your fabricated speech I glimpse
where sun rides the sky
within your orbs?
You stare at me, smile venally,
as night falls upon us.

Beautiful, Dani!

Your lines echo hauntingly
through my dreams.
Painful serenades form <<<<<<<<<<< play? haunt me?
which I seek to mute; nullify.

YOU LIE!

As letters glide over crumpled pages
of our story, tears find no use in forming,
for you are but a sunlit illusion,

a moon eclipsed by lies.

I realize you're using the words form or forming for a purpose. It appears to me that the lovers' story is being written by another hand, or is writing itself, which is a fantastic poetical recourse. Just at times it's confusing, at least to me, because each S carries a variant, and I'm not altogether sure which road you're taking...Am I making any sense?!

It's still a very beautiful poem, and I'm most likely the dense one...LOL...
Hugs, Syl***

Sweet Syl,

You are hardly dense, and I value your insight immensely. My absence has been long and I hope to tiptoe back.

I just dont know where the days go.

Will work on this more. Thanks for the suggestions and the praise.

Dani

[Siren]

Hey all. I made some chnages to this one and would love your insight... and thoughts on the title.

Hugs
dani

[saore]

My biggest objection to this poem is the total lack of focus in the first stanza, Siren. It reads like a very lazy write. Almost as if the narrator didn't really care about the subject. Why? basically because the reader does not really know how the spoken word gets transfered into grammar, it just sort of happens without any set up. I have read quit a few poems where this is done with success but this poem starts out badly and it just continues that way until the end. It is sloppy writing. I am sorry I cannot be more supportive.

You form thoughts within lines,
place brackets to emphasize
your desires.


Sergio

[Siren]

Hello Again Sergio,

I do not know how to respond to your opinion only to say that i hope you give an insight as to how you would start this poem.

I'm here to learn, so pls teach.

Thanks
dani

[anaisa]

Hi Dani,

I like this one a lot, the revision is nice.
This line:

tears find no use in forming.

got to me. I have know people who don't cry,
and I think if I ever SAW them cry it would be devastating,
(my father being one of them)

a hollow moon eclipsed by lies--
wow! good ending.

K

revised


You form thoughts within lines,
place brackets to emphasize
your desires.
You mold me into the corner
of your world
to listen as you swear devotion.

"Slave beneath your feet",
you profess with ample feeling.

My eyes search deep
into that unknown corner,
find it empty...

I glimpse your fabricated speech
where sun rides the sky
reflected within your orbs.
You stare, vacantly,
smile venally
as night hails.


Those spoken lines echo
hauntingly
through my dreams.
Painful serenades form
I long to silence;
nullify
as I groan...

YOU LIE!

The letters glide
over crumpled pages of our story,
tears find no use in forming.
You are but a sunlit illusion,

a hollow moon
eclipsed by lies.




original


You form thoughts within lines,
place brackets to emphasize your desires.
You mold me into the corner of your world
and swear devotion.
"Slave beneath your feet",
you pant.

My eyes scan unseen corners,
find them empty... You lie.

Is that your fabricated speech I glimpse
where sun rides the sky
within your orbs?
You stare at me, smile venally,
as night falls upon us.

Your lines echo hauntingly
through my dreams.
Painful serenades form
which I seek to mute; nullify.

YOU LIE!

As letters glide over crumpled pages
of our story, tears find no use in forming,
for you are but a sunlit illusion,

a moon eclipsed by lies.

[Siren]

Hey K

Thank you so much for your encouraging thoughts on this piece. I'm so glad parts of it worked so well for you.

Looking forward to interacting with you.

Dani