Sunsets... (revision 2, May 29), Free Verse Poem Options

[Judi]

Revision Two..

Sunsets makes me nostalgic,
because they remind me of you
and years we shared.

We spoke without words.
Looking into one another's eyes,
we could predict the future.
Everything was so certain then,
perfectly simple, without flaws.

Mistakes came later:
We no longer took time
to look at one another;
It was easier to walk away,
not caring about the future

"Til death do us part" came without
dying.
"For richer" or poorer left us mediocre
and lacking.
" in sickness and in health" was the
mantra that left me without you.

Original Version

Sunsets make me nostalgic
because they remind me of you
and the years we shared together.

We spoke without speaking
and only had to look into one
another's eyes to predict our future.
Everything was so certain then,
so perfectly simple and without flaw.

The mistakes came later
when we no longer took time
to look at one another;
When we did not care about our
future, and It was easier to walk away.

"Til death do us part" came without
our bodies dying.
For richer or poorer left us mediocre
and lacking.
" in sickness and in health" was the
mantra that left me without you.

Judith Anne Labriola


Revision 1

Sunsets makes me nostalgic,
because they remind me of you
and years we shared together.

We spoke without speaking.
Looking into one another's eyes,
we predicted the future.
Everything was so certain then,
perfectly simple, without flaws.

Mistakes came later:
We no longer took time
to look at one another;
It was easier to walk away,
not caring about the future

"Til death do us part" came without
our bodies dying.
For richer or poorer left us mediocre
and lacking.
" in sickness and in health" was the
mantra that left me without you.

Original Version

Sunsets make me nostalgic
because they remind me of you
and the years we shared together.

We spoke without speaking
and only had to look into one
another's eyes to predict our future.
Everything was so certain then,
so perfectly simple and without flaw.

The mistakes came later
when we no longer took time
to look at one another;
When we did not care about our
future, and It was easier to walk away.

"Til death do us part" came without
our bodies dying.
For richer or poorer left us mediocre
and lacking.
" in sickness and in health" was the
mantra that left me without you.

Judith Anne Labriola

[Psyche]

Hi Judi,
You've described the ascent and fall of a marriage in heartrending lines. I've enjoyed the read and have a few suggestions, to toss or use....

Sunsets make me nostalgic Perhaps a comma after nostalgic.
because they remind me of you
and the years we shared together.

Lovely S1! Sunset is a good metaphor for something that's come to an end, I guess that's why we stare at them nostalgically (after the romance, of course, when we think they're SO beautiful!!)

We spoke without speaking
and only had to look into one
another's eyes to predict our future.
Everything was so certain then,
so perfectly simple and without flaw.

Perhaps you could rearrange a little?

We spoke without speaking.
Looking into one another's eyes,
we predicted the future.
Everything was so certain then,
perfectly simple, without flaws.

I just thought it could be more synthetic, Judi, but these are only ideas!!! What you say is SO true!!

The Mistakes came later:
when we no longer took time
to look at one another;
When we did not care about our
future, and It was easier to walk away. Sad, but true.... :-(

Perhaps L4 & 5:
It was easier to walk away,
not caring about the future.

"Til death do us part" came without
our bodies dying.
For richer or poorer left us mediocre
and lacking.
" in sickness and in health" was the
mantra that left me without you.

I love your finale, although it intrigues me. Perhaps the main character became ill, or disabled, and was abandoned by his/her partner. That's so frequent, and so hearbreaking.

Thank you, Judi, for sharing this poignant poem with us. Its message is realistic and you've expressed it deftly in a few striking, yet simple lines.
Hugs, Syl ***

Judith Anne Labriola

[Judi]

Hi Judi,
You've described the ascent and fall of a marriage in heartrending lines. I've enjoyed the read and have a few suggestions, to toss or use....

Sunsets make me nostalgic Perhaps a comma after nostalgic.
because they remind me of you
and the years we shared together.

Lovely S1! Sunset is a good metaphor for something that's come to an end, I guess that's why we stare at them nostalgically (after the romance, of course, when we think they're SO beautiful!!)

We spoke without speaking
and only had to look into one
another's eyes to predict our future.
Everything was so certain then,
so perfectly simple and without flaw.

Perhaps you could rearrange a little?

We spoke without speaking.
Looking into one another's eyes,
we predicted the future.
Everything was so certain then,
perfectly simple, without flaws.

I just thought it could be more synthetic, Judi, but these are only ideas!!! What you say is SO true!!

The Mistakes came later:
when we no longer took time
to look at one another;
When we did not care about our
future, and It was easier to walk away. Sad, but true.... :-(

Perhaps L4 & 5:
It was easier to walk away,
not caring about the future.

"Til death do us part" came without
our bodies dying.
For richer or poorer left us mediocre
and lacking.
" in sickness and in health" was the
mantra that left me without you.

I love your finale, although it intrigues me. Perhaps the main character became ill, or disabled, and was abandoned by his/her partner. That's so frequent, and so hearbreaking.

Thank you, Judi, for sharing this poignant poem with us. Its message is realistic and you've expressed it deftly in a few striking, yet simple lines.
Hugs, Syl ***

Judith Anne Labriola

I think your suggestions are wonderful and I will use all of them! I almost put an apostrophe after nostalgic and then took it out...I felt that if someone said anything (and you did) I could add it later.
I have been chastised for using too many of them at times, lol.

This is the unfortunate story of my 20 year marriage. I became disabled with lung problems (copd) and have some disabilities from it, and he could not cope with me being ill. Some men can't cope under duress..he is not a monster...just a weak man. For the most part the 20 years were not unpleasant..I tell myself I could have been in worse places and HE PAYS HIS ALIMONY (lucky me) I am able to enjoy my life and do not let my illness keep me from doing anything. Life is good..Judy

[Psyche]

Hi Judi!
I wrote my answer way down at the bottom!!! Sorry... :-)

Hi Judi,
You've described the ascent and fall of a marriage in heartrending lines. I've enjoyed the read and have a few suggestions, to toss or use....

Sunsets make me nostalgic Perhaps a comma after nostalgic.
because they remind me of you
and the years we shared together.

Lovely S1! Sunset is a good metaphor for something that's come to an end, I guess that's why we stare at them nostalgically (after the romance, of course, when we think they're SO beautiful!!)

We spoke without speaking
and only had to look into one
another's eyes to predict our future.
Everything was so certain then,
so perfectly simple and without flaw.

Perhaps you could rearrange a little?

We spoke without speaking.
Looking into one another's eyes,
we predicted the future.
Everything was so certain then,
perfectly simple, without flaws.

I just thought it could be more synthetic, Judi, but these are only ideas!!! What you say is SO true!!

The Mistakes came later:
when we no longer took time
to look at one another;
When we did not care about our
future, and It was easier to walk away. Sad, but true.... :-(

Perhaps L4 & 5:
It was easier to walk away,
not caring about the future.

"Til death do us part" came without
our bodies dying.
For richer or poorer left us mediocre
and lacking.
" in sickness and in health" was the
mantra that left me without you.

I love your finale, although it intrigues me. Perhaps the main character became ill, or disabled, and was abandoned by his/her partner. That's so frequent, and so hearbreaking.

Thank you, Judi, for sharing this poignant poem with us. Its message is realistic and you've expressed it deftly in a few striking, yet simple lines.
Hugs, Syl ***

Judith Anne Labriola

I think your suggestions are wonderful and I will use all of them! I almost put an apostrophe after nostalgic and then took it out...I felt that if someone said anything (and you did) I could add it later.
I have been chastised for using too many of them at times, lol.

Hey, hang on a min, Judi. You'll be getting lots of suggestions, some MM members do expert crits, so you better wait and see.... :-)

This is the unfortunate story of my 20 year marriage. I became disabled with lung problems (copd) and have some disabilities from it, and he could not cope with me being ill. Some men can't cope under duress..he is not a monster...just a weak man. For the most part the 20 years were not unpleasant..I tell myself I could have been in worse places and HE PAYS HIS ALIMONY (lucky me) I am able to enjoy my life and do not let my illness keep me from doing anything. Life is good..Judy

Beginning at the end, I like your 'life is good', Judy! Kudos for you...And yes, I've been in contact and still work with or care for seriously disabled people, and the story repeats itself. Usually the male sex is weaker in that sort of situation, but not always. Let's not be too feminist!!
And I admire your lack of resentment. I used to be very resentful when my first husband didn't help out AT ALL when my younger son got Lou Gehrig's Disease. His father just stayed in Spain and never once visited... Nowadays I think it was perhaps all for the best, he would have been a nuisance, who knows? I don't feel at all resentful, any more. It's bad for one's health...

Anyway, we're way OFF TOPIC... It's good to write, isn't it? I hope you'll post lots of work here at MM, Judi. I've learnt a great deal since I joined a few years ago, especially as I live in Argentina where I don't speak much English, just read it.

Hugs, Syl ***

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Judi.

Wow, this one is a sad one!

I'm unclear on the ending - the reasons for the departure, but that's ok - I can wonder and come to my own conclusions. I've jotted down a few ideas for you below to take or toss.

Cheers
~Cleo


[add] {delete}

Sunsets makes me nostalgic,
because they remind me of you
and years we shared together.

Sunsets incite nostalgia –
they remind me of you;
the years we shared.

We spoke without speaking.
Looking into one another's eyes,
we predicted the future.
Everything was so certain then,
perfectly simple, without flaws.

We spoke without words.
OR
Devoid of words, we spoke.
Looking into one another's eyes, (no comma needed as the pause is fine)
we predicted the future.
Everything was so certain then,
perfectly simple, {without flaws} [flawless].

Mistakes came later:
We no longer took time
to look at one another;
[i]t was easier to walk away,
not caring about the future[.]

"Til[l] death do us part" {came without} [preceded]
our {bodies} dying [bodies].
[“]For richer or poorer[“] left us mediocre
and lacking.
"[I]in sickness and in health" was the
mantra that left me {without you} [companionless OR abandoned].

[Judi]

Hi Judi.

Wow, this one is a sad one!

I'm unclear on the ending - the reasons for the departure, but that's ok - I can wonder and come to my own conclusions. I've jotted down a few ideas for you below to take or toss.

Cheers
~Cleo


[add] {delete}

Sunsets makes me nostalgic,
because they remind me of you
and years we shared together.

Sunsets incite nostalgia –
they remind me of you;
the years we shared.

We spoke without speaking.
Looking into one another's eyes,
we predicted the future.
Everything was so certain then,
perfectly simple, without flaws.

We spoke without words.
OR
Devoid of words, we spoke.
Looking into one another's eyes, (no comma needed as the pause is fine)
we predicted the future.
Everything was so certain then,
perfectly simple, {without flaws} [flawless].

Mistakes came later:
We no longer took time
to look at one another;
[i]t was easier to walk away,
not caring about the future[.]

"Til[l] death do us part" {came without} [preceded]
our {bodies} dying [bodies].
[“]For richer or poorer[“] left us mediocre
and lacking.
"[I]in sickness and in health" was the
mantra that left me {without you} [companionless OR abandoned].

Thanks so much Lore...I have used several of your suggestions! See Revision 2 Judi

[Aphrodite]

Hello Judi,

I enjoyed your revised melancholy poem and the obvious sentiment behind your words.

Mistakes came later:
We no longer took time
to look at one another;
It was easier to walk away,
not caring about the future ....strong

"Til death do us part" came without
dying.
"For richer" or poorer left us mediocre
and lacking.
" in sickness and in health" was the
mantra that left me without you....A clever and poignant stanza of comparisons. Old merges with new.

A introspective and genuine write with a tonality of regretful longing!

Lindi

[Judi]

Hello Judi,

I enjoyed your revised melancholy poem and the obvious sentiment behind your words.

Mistakes came later:
We no longer took time
to look at one another;
It was easier to walk away,
not caring about the future ....strong

"Til death do us part" came without
dying.
"For richer" or poorer left us mediocre
and lacking.
" in sickness and in health" was the
mantra that left me without you....A clever and poignant stanza of comparisons. Old merges with new.

A introspective and genuine write with a tonality of regretful longing!

Lindi

Thanks so much...I appreciate all the suggestions that were made and which helped me to shape this poem...I love it here! Judi

[Eisa]

Hi Judi
I love sunsets, which drew me in here. A poignant one!

Personally, I would trim back this more in parts. I think you could be quite brutal in trimming -- but that's up to you.

A few thoughts ~

Revision Two..

Sunsets makes me nostalgic,
because they remind me of you
and years we shared together.


It should be 'sunsets make me nostalgic ... but nostalgia and reminding are one and the same, so if you wanted to be really concise, you could write

nostalgic sunsets
bring thoughts of you
and the years we shared (no need for together -- goes without saying)

We spoke without words.
Looking into one another's eyes,
we could predict the future.
Everything was so certain then,
perfectly simple, without flaws.


For conciseness how about

We spoke with our eyes,
and could predict the future
with certainty, everything
was simple, without flaws.

Mistakes came later:
We no longer took time
to look at one another;
It was easier to walk away,
not caring about the future

"Til death do us part" came without
dying.
"For richer" or poorer left us mediocre
and lacking.
" in sickness and in health" was the
mantra that left me without you.

I like how you've expressed the situation in this stanza -- very sad, but some people just can't cope with illness.

Judith Anne Labriola

I hope I've not been too harsh with my pruning -- but take from it what you need for yourself.

Snow

[Judi]

Hi Judi
I love sunsets, which drew me in here. A poignant one!

Personally, I would trim back this more in parts. I think you could be quite brutal in trimming -- but that's up to you.

A few thoughts ~

Revision Two..

Sunsets makes me nostalgic,
because they remind me of you
and years we shared together.


It should be 'sunsets make me nostalgic ... but nostalgia and reminding are one and the same, so if you wanted to be really concise, you could write

nostalgic sunsets
bring thoughts of you
and the years we shared (no need for together -- goes without saying)

We spoke without words.
Looking into one another's eyes,
we could predict the future.
Everything was so certain then,
perfectly simple, without flaws.


For conciseness how about

We spoke with our eyes,
and could predict the future
with certainty, everything
was simple, without flaws.

Mistakes came later:
We no longer took time
to look at one another;
It was easier to walk away,
not caring about the future

"Til death do us part" came without
dying.
"For richer" or poorer left us mediocre
and lacking.
" in sickness and in health" was the
mantra that left me without you.

I like how you've expressed the situation in this stanza -- very sad, but some people just can't cope with illness.

Judith Anne Labriola

I hope I've not been too harsh with my pruning -- but take from it what you need for yourself.

Snow

Thanks for all the ideas....I did use some of them, but not all...but appreciate your thoughts...I always try to use as many as I feel good about. Thanks so much, Judi