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Moses |
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Oct 31 15, 17:13
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Nomad
Group: Silver Member
Posts: 30
Joined: 30-October 15
From: High Peak
Member No.: 5,276
Real Name: Mike Daniels
Writer of: Poetry
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Rev1
Moses
They ask Moses for proof:
Imagine a man of height, barrel chested and a three mile stare - as seen on film if needs be, but Moses, lacking direction, has less of the insane behind his eyes. Hint of rickets in his stance and twin walking sticks as tall as the man. I like his smile, that rare flash of humour.
He gives them fragments of rocks ripped from the roots of the mountain as he stumbles upslope across the scree.
He stands at the ridge, a foot to either side of the summit, shouts to the passing cloud, 'I am not Moses!' God adds, 'Any more!' I like the voice, love the voice even but not enough for faith.
Finally God shrugs; we can hear it as the mountain shudders and that voice again 'I need another hero!' Moses/not Moses feigns deafness, walks down hill, rejoins the children of the desert, surrounded by applause.
For myself, I have the remnant of a voice to which I cling. Not faith perhaps but hope certainly. Not bad for new beginnings.
original Moses
They ask Moses for proof:
Imagine a man of height, barrel chested and a three mile stare - Charlton Heston if needs be, but Moses has less of the insane behind his eyes. Hint of rickets in his stance and twin walking sticks as tall as the man. I like his smile, that rare flash of humour.
He gives them fragments of rocks ripped from the roots of the mountain as he stumbles upslope across the scree.
He stands at the ridge, a foot to either side of the summit, shouts to the passing cloud, 'I am not Moses!' God adds, 'Any more!' I like the voice, love the voice even but not enough for faith.
Finally God shrugs; we can hear it as the mountain shudders and that voice again 'I need another hero!' Moses/not Moses feigns deafness, walks down hill, rejoins the children of the desert, surrounded by applause.
For myself, I have the remnant of a voice to which I cling. Not faith perhaps but hope certainly. Not bad for new beginnings.
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this is not a rebel song
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Oct 31 15, 17:38
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hi Mike,
It's great to see a poem from you. You are one of the poets I would really miss reading again, so I'm glad you found your way here.
They ask Moses for proof:
Imagine a man of height, barrel chested and a three mile stare - Charlton Heston if needs be, but Moses has less of the insane behind his eyes. Hint of rickets in his stance and twin walking sticks as tall as the man. I like his smile, that rare flash of humour.
I really love this description - it's detail makes me see him standing there
He gives them fragments of rocks ripped from the roots of the mountain as he stumbles upslope across the scree.
Nice description
He stands at the ridge, a foot to either side of the summit, shouts to the passing cloud, 'I am not Moses!' God adds, 'Any more!' I like the voice, love the voice even but not enough for faith.
I had to read this a few times to 'get' that it was God saying 'any more' It's me, I'm sure - feeling tired.
Finally God shrugs; we can hear it as the mountain shudders and that voice again 'I need another hero!' Moses/not Moses feigns deafness, walks down hill, rejoins the children of the desert, surrounded by applause.
Not sure you need the '/not Moses'
Now my computer says there should be a hyphen in re-joins. Really! Not sure about that!
For myself, I have the remnant of a voice to which I cling. Not faith perhaps but hope certainly. Not bad for new beginnings.
Very Nice ending, very satisfactory!
Great to see you here
Eira
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Nov 2 15, 00:15
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 9,082
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
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Hi danimik, and welcome to MM! Your poem gives me food for thought. I'll have to return, as I feel pretty dim at 2 a.m. Just a few comments:
QUOTE (danimik @ Oct 31 15, 20:13 ) Moses
They ask Moses for proof:
Imagine a man of height, barrel chested and a three mile stare - Charlton Heston if needs be, but Moses has less of the insane behind his eyes. Hint of rickets in his stance and twin walking sticks as tall as the man. I like his smile, that rare flash of humour.
I can certainly imagine Moses by reading S1. Great introductory stanza. And yes, I agree about Charlton Heston's slightly insane glint in the eyes, in that and other movies.
He gives them fragments of rocks ripped from the roots of the mountain as he stumbles upslope across the scree.
"Scree" is a new word for me. I was born in a Spanish speaking country. Not to worry, I've already looked it up. Always learn at MM!
He stands at the ridge, a foot to either side of the summit, shouts to the passing cloud, 'I am not Moses!' God adds, 'Any more!' I like the voice, love the voice even but not enough for faith.
Intriguing stanza. This part does make me think of the movie. As if God were the Director and threw the actor out. Sorry, just the first 3 lines. Then it moves on to a theological stance. Just me...always going beyond the poet's intentions.
Finally God shrugs; we can hear it as the mountain shudders and that voice again 'I need another hero!' Moses/not Moses feigns deafness, walks down hill, rejoins the children of the desert, surrounded by applause.
Powerful lines! I like the uncertainty of the "hero's" identity.
For myself, I have the remnant of a voice to which I cling. Not faith perhaps but hope certainly. Not bad for new beginnings.
I like your finale. I get the impressions that the poetical "me" has perhaps suffered some loss or misfortune. Keep 'em coming, danimik. Unfortunately, my PC is very slow. Can't comment on other's poems now.
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Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Nov 3 15, 11:28
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 250
Joined: 1-November 15
Member No.: 5,282
Real Name: richard chase
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Rhapsody
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danmik - Glad to see you made it to the refugee camp. This seems an appropriate piece for the situation. Your dscription of Moses/not Moses is bang on, ringingtrue. Heston, stand aside. And the sliver of hope straining against faith is compelling. Well done, as always, RC
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Nov 12 15, 18:52
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Nomad
Group: Silver Member
Posts: 30
Joined: 30-October 15
From: High Peak
Member No.: 5,276
Real Name: Mike Daniels
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi Guys and Gals
First off a big thanks for the welcome. Second off a big thanks for the comments.
I had a line - they asked Moses for proof - and everything else spins off from there, though the original span in another direction which changed substantially as I typed the piece up. This is not my normal method of working - I work from inspiration straight into these little windows using the keyboard to slow my thoughts down enough to lend a structure and a sense to the piece. Thus, a substantial amendment occurred which I liked, though I struggled for the longest time about the Charlton Heston section as I was aware that the image is clichéd in my head, and probably/possibly the minds of others.
Hi Eira - and you are not alone in wanting me to distinguish more clearly the voice of God from the voice of Moses. I'm thinking that moving that section of the line to the next line would allow that space to develop in the reader's mind. For me, poetry exists in the detail, the specificity where appropriate, so your comments about descriptions working are most welcome. Thanks.
Hi Posthumous - and me, cynical about Bible Stories. (Why is it so hard to do 'sardonic' in print?) Moses is one of the stranger heroes in the Bible, I'm thinking - control freak, visionary. I can' break free from the thought that he'd have been another James Warren Jones if he'd been born 20th century. The Heston reference seems to have intruded more than I wanted. Thanks
HI Psyche - I have, like other poets, a very individual understanding of poetry, purpose or value or design. For me, there should always be space within the poem for the reader to intrude, to develop their own set of meanings. Thus, your comment about 'always going beyond the poet's intentions' is an absolute delight and pleasure as I want my readers to do just that, to find their own meanings and purpose. Thanks for the read and the comment.
Hi Heather - you aren't alone in not picking up the voice of God as distinct from Moses. This definitely needs addressing. As to the grammar - sorry but it has been beaten into me from a very early age and for the rest of my life that I mustn't end a sentence with a participle, and 'to which I cling' it just has to be. As to spaces in poems - please read my comment to Psyche... Thanks, it has been a big help as I have come to expect of your comments.
Hi Richard - I guess we've indulged in our own exodus have we not and that was certainly in there somewhere when I sat down to write. People we miss that we can't bring with us -always a sadness, yet such a vital part of the process. So yes, it's hope and faith and freewill constrained. Thanks.
Hi Adhamh - pleased you made it. Your work has been so strong over recent months, it has been hugely inspirational. I had second thoughts and third thoughts about the image of Heston as it is such a strong image in my head that I worried about it dominating and bring a different reality to the piece. I will have to think about this again and again until I resolve it, I'm thinking. Thanks.
Mike
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this is not a rebel song
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Nov 15 15, 17:46
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Nomad
Group: Silver Member
Posts: 30
Joined: 30-October 15
From: High Peak
Member No.: 5,276
Real Name: Mike Daniels
Writer of: Poetry
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Okay - posted a revision. The Heston image is revised and I hope I've clarified the issues about whose voice is talking.
M
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this is not a rebel song
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Nov 15 15, 18:20
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE (danimik @ Nov 15 15, 22:46 ) Okay - posted a revision. The Heston image is revised and I hope I've clarified the issues about whose voice is talking.
M Hi Mike Eira
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