 Storage * * REVISION, Isolation |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse  |
 Dec 13 15, 12:59
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#1
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 Assyrian  Posts: 256 Joined: 2-November 15 From: Croydon, Surrey Member No.: 5,284 Real Name: Antony Glaser Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Eira Rhaposdy  |
Storage REVISION
In the quadrant of Crystal Palace village, refurbished freeholds await just a bedroom and lounge above an ex public house. The Christmas cracker informs us Hummingbirds fly backwards, but where would I adequately store my vinyl collection or find a place to rest poetry books? A profusion of quiet contemplation is needed to slip away from this stoppage of time. All the while, overlooking the earnest transmitter Storage ORIGINAL In the quadrant of Crystal Palace village, refurbished freeholds just a bedroom and lounge above an ex public house. Hummingbirds may fly backwards but where would I adequately store my vinyl collection or find a place to rest poetry books? a profusion of quiet contemplation to slip into the stoppage of time. All the while, overlooking the earnest transmitter. ·······  ·······Imagination fires the soul, resolution the longing.
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Dec 13 15, 17:59
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#2
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Antony,
A nice concise one! Storage In the quadrant of Crystal Palace village, refurbished freeholds there seems to be a word missing at the beginning of this line, stand refurbished freeholds? just a bedroom and lounge above an ex public house. Hummingbirds may fly backwards Not clear what this means - ornament? but where would I adequately store my vinyl collection or find a place to rest poetry books? a profusion of quiet contemplation to slip into the stoppage of time. All the while, overlooking the earnest transmitter. I enjoyed the read - storage can often be a problem Eira ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner            |
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Dec 14 15, 03:49
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#3
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Babylonian Posts: 78 Joined: 13-November 15 Member No.: 5,294 Real Name: Krista van der Steen Writer of: Poetry |
I like this contemplating piece.
I have some punctuation issues and a capital letter is missing. I can see, perhaps unlike Eisa, where the hummingbird analogy comes from. Yes, they are small and can hover in one spot; in other words, they don't need a lot of space, whereas you have definite storage problems. However, the comparison is too sharp, it needs more elaboration for it to really work. The 'profusion of quiet contemplation...' suffers from this 'sharpness' as well, more flow in your gentle train of thought is required. This may also blend in your ending line. Regards, K |
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Dec 14 15, 15:17
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#4
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Assyrian Posts: 256 Joined: 2-November 15 From: Croydon, Surrey Member No.: 5,284 Real Name: Antony Glaser Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Eira Rhaposdy |
Thank you for your comments and obvious interest.
······· ·······Imagination fires the soul, resolution the longing.
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Dec 15 15, 08:26
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#5
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,578 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hey, Antony...
your revision is considerably clearer and shows your benefiting from the help that Snow and Krista have offered. Good job thus far. deLighting in the process, Daniel 
······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
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