Love-Struck, x10 Challenge - Revised 4/19 Options

[JLY]

1st Revision: 4/30

LOVE-STRUCK

Reposed on a park bench at noon,
breaking from career demands,
I view scraggly sidewalk cracks
as lifelines gone unplanned.

July's intense, blinding sunlight
momentarily impairs my vision,
obscuring greedy ravens pecking
my lunch with furious precision.

An idyllic mirage sates my focus,
serenely raising wistful feelings
by consuming an impassioned core,
leaving this love-struck soul reeling.

Pensively, I draft a lover's plea;
to recite when chance prevails.
My eyes bespeak of true desires
often veiled in crisp, short emails.

Orchestrated, eloquent words
are merely an innocent guise
as I tenderly express devotion
under cloudless, azure skies.

LOVE-STRUCK

Reposed on a park bench at noon,
breaking from career demands,
I view scraggly cracks in walks
as lifelines gone unplanned.

July’s intense, blinding sunlight
momentarily impaired my vision,
obscuring greedy ravens pecking
my lunch with furious precision.

A gaudy mirage sates my attention,
serenely raising wistful feelings
by consuming an impassioned core,
leaving this love-struck soul reeling.

Pensively, I draft a lover’s plea;
to recite it when chance prevails.
My eyes will bespeak true desires
often veiled in crisp, short emails.

Orchestrated, eloquent words
are merely an innocent guise
as I tenderly express devotion
under azure, cloudless skies.



Words used (in order of appearance): walks, impaired, raven, gaudy, serenely, eloquent, innocent, tender, express, cloudless,

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi John,

Lovely poem... good use of the ten words!

A few thoughts for you to ponder~

Cathy

Reposed on a park bench at noon,
breaking from career demands,
I view scraggly cracks in walks 'I view scraggly sidewalk cracks...'?
as lifelines gone unplanned.

I like the last two lines above. I'd never thought of the cracks like that but it makes a lot of sense! Things sometimes just happen willy-nilly it seems and those cracks... you never know where they will pop up or where they're going!

July’s intense, blinding sunlight
momentarily impaired my vision,
obscuring greedy ravens pecking
my lunch with furious precision.

You seem to be writing in present tense in verse one so should 'impaired' be 'impairs'?

A gaudy mirage sates my attention,
serenely raising wistful feelings
by consuming an impassioned core,
leaving this love-struck soul reeling.

Pensively, I draft a lover’s plea;
to recite it when chance prevails.
My eyes will bespeak true desires
often veiled in crisp, short emails.

Orchestrated, eloquent words
are merely an innocent guise
as I tenderly express devotion
under azure, cloudless skies.

Is the N expressing devotion to someone on the park bench? From the beginning I thought he/she was alone but the last verse makes it sound like there are two people sitting there. Maybe I'm reading it wrong? LOL

[JLY]

Cathy,

I used the required words exactly as presented, for example "impaired". I will change the tense on that, now that the challenge has been met.

One can view cracks in the sidewalks as you do the lines in the palms of your hands.....when you look at your palm...what do you think? same thought process can be applied to the sidewalk.

there is no one else present on the bench. The main character is simply rehearsing; talking to himself.

Thanks,
JLY

[AMETHYST]

I am working on this one John... Hugs, Liz

[AMETHYST]

Hi John,

Im back. It's been a hectic few days at home and work. This is a great reponse using the words from last weeks times ten challenge. I enjoyed the detail in your descriptions and how smooth the story leads me to the final stanza. I've just a few suggestions to polish the edge of rhythm. Hope something helps...


Hugs, Liz

LOVE-STRUCK

Reposed on a park bench at noon,
breaking from career demands,
I view scraggly cracks in walks
as lifelines gone unplanned.


I like L1/2 - gives the reader an opening view of the quietude of a mid afternoon break, where our minds can rush off and see things that hide from minds view otherwise.
L3. Something other than 'view' I keep thinking that the narrator would compare the lines in the sidewalk as life lines on our palms... or perhaps, I view the scraggly cracks in walks/are like lifelines gone unplanned.

July’s intense, blinding sunlight
momentarily impaired my vision,
obscuring greedy ravens pecking
my lunch with furious precision.

L1, I think it works without intense... "July's blinding sunlight /
L3,4 brought a nice warm smile, as I can remember such sittings in NY with the pigeons.


A gaudy mirage sates my attention,
serenely raising wistful feelings
by consuming an impassioned core,
leaving this love-struck soul reeling.

This stanza there no nits from me. I like the meaning and how easy it comes off the tongue.

Pensively, I draft a lover’s plea;
to recite it when chance prevails.
My eyes will bespeak true desires
often veiled in crisp, short emails.

Perhaps ...

I draft a pensive lover's plea:
then recite it when the chance prevails.
My eyes bespeaks of true desires
often veiled in crisp, short emails.


Orchestrated, eloquent words
are merely an innocent guise
as I tenderly express devotion
under azure, cloudless skies.

I would suggest omitting tenderly/and switching cloudless/azure

Orchestrated, elogquent words
are merely an innocent guise
as I express devotion
beneath cloudless azure skies...

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi John,

I didn't realize that you had revised this one. I'm glad I stopped for a peek cause I like the changes you've made. Just a couple of minor thoughts on this verse...

Pensively, I draft a lover’s plea;
to recite it when chance prevails.
My eyes bespeaks of true desires
often veiled in crisp, short emails.

I would leave out 'it' in line 2 to read...

to recite when chance prevails

And I think 'bespeaks' should be 'bespeak'

My eyes bespeak of true desires

You could also say...

My eyes bespeak my true desires

Nah, maybe not... you'd have two 'my's in the same line! Oh well! LOL

Just some options to consider. *smiles* Reminds me of first love...

Cathy

[Merlin]

Hi JLY,
I see you turfed "gaudy" in the revision.
What struck me as incongruous was the mention of career up in V1, then switching to a lover downstream. Of course, that's not wrong - career people have love affairs. However, it would be smoother to me if the person reposing was a young buck, a student, a jilted soul, or something that would lead into his writing love notes later.

Putting the story into 3rd person would be an interesting perspective, with the narrator telling a story about a certain observation. It might put an unexpected slant on things. That's just a thought for your interest.

Merlin

[JLY]

Cathy,
Thanks for the tips. They are most helpful. I'm glad you got a chance to read the revision.
JLY

[JLY]

Merlin,
I can understand your take on career but I am not sure whether I will change it as you have suggested. I do like your idea of changing it to a third person, that could work very well.
I will ponder this some more before I make another revision.
Thanks,
JLY