CAPTIVE, SECOND REVISION Options

[Psyche]

SECOND REVISION Thank you, everybody!!!


CAPTIVE

If fortune fulfills my yearning,
allows one splendid, distinct choice,
I’ll trace a path towards nothing,
away from weight of reason’s voice;
to spheres of multiform delights
in azure space, realms recondite.

You briskly rebuff me: “Beware,
captive of dreamscape's deadly snare!”

I should remember who I am!
Why proclaim all’s a sorry sham?

By Psyche


FIRST REVISION


CAPTIVE

If fortune fulfils my yearning,
allows one single, distinct choice,
I’ll trace a path towards nothing,
away from weight of reason’s voice:
beyond skies, to realms recondite,
spheres of labyrinthine delights.

You holler at me, harsh: “Beware,
captive of desire’s sure-fire snare!”

I should remember who I am:
why proclaim all’s a sorry sham?

By Psyche


ORIGINAL


CAPTIVE

If fortune fulfils my yearning,
allows one single, distinct choice,
I’ll trace a path towards nothing,
away from care or reason’s voice:
beyond skies, to fields of fancy,
spheres of sheer irrelevancy.

You holler at me, harsh: “Beware,
captive of desire’s sure-fire snare!”

I should remember who I am:
why proclaim all’s a sorry sham?

By Psyche

Copyright: Sylvia Maclagan, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2007.

[JLY]

Sylvia,
I like your message and it is well paced. I offer only a thought to ponder....

CAPTIVE


away from care or reason’s voice: or

away from [calm of] reason's voice ...or

away from [comfort of] reason's voice

Much enjoyed.

JLY

[AMETHYST]

Hi Sylvia,

I am just stopping in to let you know I am working on a proper response for this poem, I had a couple of weeks of a bad bout and well you know... There is much to enjoy about this poem, much to relate to and how you've chosen strong inner rhymes and some very unique clever end rhymes which adds to the pleasure of the read.

I think it is a great title. Captive. Inplants so many expectations, and it isn't until the poem is read fully, does one link and feel completed by the title.

I'll be back... Hugs, Liz

CAPTIVE

If fortune fulfils my yearning,
allows one single, distinct choice,
I’ll trace a path towards nothing,
away from care or reason’s voice:
beyond skies, to fields of fancy,
spheres of sheer irrelevancy.

You holler at me, harsh: “Beware,
captive of desire’s sure-fire snare!”

I should remember who I am:
why proclaim all’s a sorry sham?

By Psyche

[Merlin]

Hi Psy,

Magnificent.

I really didn't notice your use of "irrelevancy", rather reading it as irrelevance.
That would be my personal preference, rhymed with the likes of unfenced.
Not a necessity, tho.

Merlin

[Guest_Don_*]

The word "irrelevancy" stands like a flag to rally around. I doubt this to be your intent.

A very poignant composition, Psyche.

Don

[Psyche]

Hi John!
Thanks for dropping by! I'm glad you like my message. I'll have to think about that line you mention, because "reason's voice" doesn't calm or comfort me. But you have a point.
My intention is to say that what we believe is rational in this world, is really only a sham.
So I'd prefer to trace my path somewhere else, where there is no pretence at rationality or common sense. A sort of fairyland....
Perhaps I should put "away from rule of reason's voice"?
Thanks for helping me,
Cheers, Sylvia

Sylvia,
I like your message and it is well paced. I offer only a thought to ponder....

CAPTIVE


away from care or reason’s voice: or

away from [calm of] reason's voice ...or

away from [comfort of] reason's voice

Much enjoyed.

JLY

[Psyche]

Dear Liz,
Thanks for dropping by in spite of having a bout... I understand perfectly, please take your time and come back, if you wish, when you're feeling OK.

Your comments are highly interesting. Sometimes I don't realize what I'm actually saying/writing, so it's wonderful to find out what others think.

Hugs, Sylvia

[Psyche]

Hi Merlin!

Magnificent? Huh....thanks! I'll certainly work on that "irrelevancy" word, it really seems to be a blotch....

I'll think about how to work the rhyming.
Thanks a lot,
Sylvia

Hi Psy,

Magnificent.

I really didn't notice your use of "irrelevancy", rather reading it as irrelevance.
That would be my personal preference, rhymed with the likes of unfenced.
Not a necessity, tho.

Merlin

[Psyche]

Hi Don!
Gee, we don't want to have to rally around that looong word, which apparently sticks out like a sore thumb...wow....

I'll think about what changes I can make and post a revision.

Thanks a lot,
Sylvia

The word "irrelevancy" stands like a flag to rally around. I doubt this to be your intent.

A very poignant composition, Psyche.

Don

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Sylvia,

My profession is so indocrinated with reason and logic to create a natural rebellion. Another famous individual must take credit for the philosophy that pure reason is a false path. Of course, yet another propounded that all our senses were but illusion, which put all reality into shadow.

Though I sincerely doubt pure emotion is any truer path, I am glad to see an emotional inspiration transcending so-called mental superiority.

Don

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Sylvia.

I enjoyed this one, the structure of your stanzas too, along with your title, which really sums up the message without giving it away.

If only we could ignore reason from time to time and live completely, unabashedly in the moment, through our dreams and desires.

Here's a few ideas for you to ponder as you wish.
Cheers
~Cleo


[add] {delete} (comment)


If fortune fulfils my yearning{,} (typo: fulfills - but it might be a language difference?)
{allows one} [allowing for one] {single}, distinct choice,
I’ll trace a path towards nothing, (I offer ‘naught’ as an alternate for ‘nothing’ and ‘ascertain’ for ‘trace’:
I’ll ascertain a path towards naught,)
away from weight of reason’s voice:
beyond skies, to realms recondite,
spheres of labyrinthine delights.
Lovely!

You {holler} [howl] at me{,} [so] harsh: “Beware,
captive of desire’s sure-fire snare!”

I should remember who I am{:}[!]
[W]hy proclaim all’s a sorry sham?

[Psyche]

Hi Don!
Yes, one's profession does weigh on one's beliefs and disbeliefs. I don't really rebel against reason and logic, rather I think they are a part of the picture. And unfortunately, although in theory -on paper and often in reality- rationality & logic are flawless instruments, nonetheless I'm convinced (along with old Aristotle and many far more modern thinkers) that our actions are originated by our "passions", as the old peripathetic philosopher argued. We only think we're being rational, but our passions, which much later on Freud called our subconscious feelings or sentiments, are the rulers in this world. Anyway, it appears to be so, judging how things are unfolding historically....
:-(

Do you think humanity is behaving rationally at present? I'm of course differentiating between theory and practice, OK?

Well, this could go on forever, whereas my poem is just a tiny fantasy, a wish to be in some place where the truth of things, as far as is possible, is acknowledged, so that it's like a Never Land, Peter Pan sort of. I guess I haven't grown up!!!

All the same, thank you for reading my emotional inspiration!!
Cheers, Syl ***

Dear Sylvia,

My profession is so indocrinated with reason and logic to create a natural rebellion. Another famous individual must take credit for the philosophy that pure reason is a false path. Of course, yet another propounded that all our senses were but illusion, which put all reality into shadow.

Though I sincerely doubt pure emotion is any truer path, I am glad to see an emotional inspiration transcending so-called mental superiority.

Don

[Psyche]

Ooooooooo, Lori, thanks for your detailed crits. I've read them all and agree with most, although I might use different words in my revision. I'm in a rush now, so won't revise immediately. I like the word "naught" but there doesn't seem to be another line to end-rhyme it with. Unless my head is foggy this morning (I'm thinking of what I have to do at the bank...haha...)

Many hugs, I'll be back to do my homework,
Syl ***

Hi Sylvia.

I enjoyed this one, the structure of your stanzas too, along with your title, which really sums up the message without giving it away.

If only we could ignore reason from time to time and live completely, unabashedly in the moment, through our dreams and desires.

Here's a few ideas for you to ponder as you wish.
Cheers
~Cleo


[add] {delete} (comment)


If fortune fulfils my yearning{,} (typo: fulfills - but it might be a language difference?)
{allows one} [allowing for one] {single}, distinct choice,
I’ll trace a path towards nothing, (I offer ‘naught’ as an alternate for ‘nothing’ and ‘ascertain’ for ‘trace’:
I’ll ascertain a path towards naught,)
away from weight of reason’s voice:
beyond skies, to realms recondite,
spheres of labyrinthine delights.
Lovely!

You {holler} [howl] at me{,} [so] harsh: “Beware,
captive of desire’s sure-fire snare!”

I should remember who I am{:}[!]
[W]hy proclaim all’s a sorry sham?

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Sylvia,

Spring is officially here according to this day's date. Our rivers run high rushing to the salty seas.

I sincerely surmise we are of the same mind.

Don

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Sylvia,

This is coming along nicely! I've left some thoughts for you to do with what you will... *smiles*

Cathy

If fortune fulfils my yearning, fulfills?
allows one single, distinct choice,

'One' and 'single' are the same therefore I think redundant. What about... 'allows only one, distinct choice,...'?

I’ll trace a path towards nothing,
away from weight of reason’s voice:
beyond skies, to realms recondite,
spheres of labyrinthine delights.

'Weight' of reason's voice shows the heaviness but maybe 'truth' or 'sense' of reason's voice? Depending of course on what image you want to project. Just some alternatives to consider.

You holler at me, harsh: “Beware,
captive of desire’s sure-fire snare!”

The first line above seems a bit choppy to me... may be just me! LOL What about... 'You harshly holler at me, "Beware...'? I also think the second line would read smoother without 'sure-fire'. When I think of someone saying 'sure-fire' I think of someone making a flippant remark. IMO that image doesn't fit with your message. Again... could be just me!

I should remember who I am:
why proclaim all’s a sorry sham?

Is the 's' needed on 'all's'?

[Guest_Don_*]

I take minor issue with Cathy on following:

'One' and 'single' are the same therefore I think redundant. What about... 'allows only one, distinct choice,...'?

Distinct also denotes singularity; therefore, why not trim to:
allows a choice
from
allows one single, distinct choice,

Above suggestion for trimming disregards need for meter and smoothness. One should remember that artist may intentionaly employ emphasis by repeating. The question is if "a" is adequate substitution for series of three, "one, single, and distinct?"

Don

[Psyche]

HAHA, Don!! I like your poetic frame of mind regarding Spring (good line for a poem?).

Here, in the Southern Hemisphere, we've just entered Autumn. And some rivers are also running high, unfortunately, because a lot of cattle are wading through the floods and will die...

I also surmise we agree on the philosophical or sociological issues, whatever!

Thanks for passing by, it's always a pleasure to have you drop in.
Syl ***

Hi Sylvia,

Spring is officially here according to this day's date. Our rivers run high rushing to the salty seas.

I sincerely surmise we are of the same mind.

Don

[Psyche]

Well, yes, Don, repetition for emphasis is quite usual in speech as well as poetry. I wholly agree. Nonetheless, I shall mull over this line (as well as others) to see what I can come up with. Thank you both, Cathy & Don!
I have to respect the meter, that goes without saying. And I shall attempt smoothness... it's funny how different people read lines with varying intonations, so that what is smooth for one person, is bumpy for another. I remember that my mother used to tell me: "The poet intended you to read this line such & such a way", whenever I stumbled on rhyming or syllable/word emphasis... Complex, isn't it?

Thanks again,
Syl ***

I take minor issue with Cathy on following:

'One' and 'single' are the same therefore I think redundant. What about... 'allows only one, distinct choice,...'?

Distinct also denotes singularity; therefore, why not trim to:
allows a choice
from
allows one single, distinct choice,

Above suggestion for trimming disregards need for meter and smoothness. One should remember that artist may intentionaly employ emphasis by repeating. The question is if "a" is adequate substitution for series of three, "one, single, and distinct?"

Don

[Psyche]

Hi Cathy!
Thanks so much for your valuable crits. And the typo, yes.... shame! Somebody else pointed it out, too. Shall proceed to revise.

Hi Sylvia,

This is coming along nicely! I've left some thoughts for you to do with what you will... *smiles*

Thank you.

Cathy

If fortune fulfils my yearning, fulfills? yes, dear me.
allows one single, distinct choice,

'One' and 'single' are the same therefore I think redundant. What about... 'allows only one, distinct choice,...'?

I'm not sure about changing this line, since the repetition is for emphasis. But I might consider using an entirely different word for "single"... Let me study it!!

I’ll trace a path towards nothing,
away from weight of reason’s voice:
beyond skies, to realms recondite,
spheres of labyrinthine delights.

'Weight' of reason's voice shows the heaviness but maybe 'truth' or 'sense' of reason's voice? Depending of course on what image you want to project. Just some alternatives to consider.

Thank you, Cathy. I put weight, because reason "weighs" on me, personally. So many times I followed rational, or even reasonable advice, and it didn't go well for me. I mean in real life!! Sometimes things sound rational, but turn out not to be.

You holler at me, harsh: “Beware,
captive of desire’s sure-fire snare!”

The first line above seems a bit choppy to me... may be just me! LOL What about... 'You harshly holler at me, "Beware...'? I also think the second line would read smoother without 'sure-fire'. When I think of someone saying 'sure-fire' I think of someone making a flippant remark. IMO that image doesn't fit with your message. Again... could be just me!

Thanks a lot for these comments. Shall take them into account when I revise, Cathy.


I should remember who I am:
why proclaim all’s a sorry sham?

Is the 's' needed on 'all's'? Perhaps not...

I'll try to revise today! I always take so long to do my homework...
Hugs, Syl ***

[Cleo_Serapis]

Sylvia!

I like the changes you've made especially:

to spheres of multiform delights
in azure space, realms recondite.

You briskly rebuff me: “Beware,
captive of dreamscape's deadly snare!”

Excellent!
~Cleo