 A Fantasy |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Jul 31 06, 23:33
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#1
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 Greek  Posts: 698 Joined: 29-May 06 From: US East Coast Member No.: 185 Real Name: Peggy Harwood Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:just wandered in  |
A Fantasy
I'm sitting in the book shop's small cafe. You walk in, pause, and look my way. You wistfully smile; it takes my breath away. You walk over. "Have a coffee if you've got the time." Is your heart standing still like mine? "Think I will!" sounds so sublime. You sit down. "This is such a great surprise!" You don't reply,just look into my eyes. Yours still have the power to hypnotize. You take my hand. "There's something I want to say." I just listen, never taking my eyes away. "Tell me you love me," I silently pray. You do. Peggy Carpenter Harwood ·······  ······· |
  
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Aug 1 06, 05:11
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#2
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 4,592 Joined: 31-October 03 From: New Jersey Member No.: 39 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Larry Carr |
Peggy,
This is quite lovely and smooth flowing. I like how it stands and I have almost no crits to change it. "There's something I want to say." I {just} listen, never taking my eyes away. "Tell me you love me," I want to pray. JLY ······· ·······Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner             |
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| Guest_Cathy_* |
Aug 1 06, 09:52
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#3
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Hi Peggy,
I wonder how many of us have this type of fantasy? *smiles* Hoping for someone to come along who will turn into that someone special. A few suggestions for you to use or toss.... I am sitting in the book shop's small cafe. You walk in, pause, You walk over. "Have a coffee if you've got the time." Is your heart standing still like mine? "Think I will!" sounds You sit down. "This is such a great surprise!" You don't reply,just look into my eyes. Yours still have the power to hy[notize. 'hypnotize' You take my hand. "There's something I want to say." I "Tell me you love me," I want to pray. You do. You could write a book on this subject... so many different scenarios! Cathy |
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Aug 1 06, 12:05
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#4
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Greek Posts: 698 Joined: 29-May 06 From: US East Coast Member No.: 185 Real Name: Peggy Harwood Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:just wandered in |
Hi JLY and Cathy,
Thank you both so much for reading my poem! I highly value your imput! Jly, thank you for the high praise. Cathy, I'm afraid I don't know what the symbols mean!  What do you suggest cutting and what do you suggest adding?Thank you both for your time and careful attention!  Peggy ······· ······· |
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| Guest_Cathy_* |
Aug 1 06, 14:16
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#5
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Oh Peggy, I am so sorry! I usually try to remember to add the symbols before the critique.
Cathy |
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Aug 1 06, 15:48
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#6
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Greek Posts: 698 Joined: 29-May 06 From: US East Coast Member No.: 185 Real Name: Peggy Harwood Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:just wandered in |
QUOTE(Cathy @ Aug 1 06, 15:16 ) [snapback]80155[/snapback] Oh Peggy, I am so sorry! I usually try to remember to add the symbols before the critique. Cathy Cathy, No need to apologize!! I am thanking YOU for the time and imput! Peggy ······· ······· |
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Aug 1 06, 18:09
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#7
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,638 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Greetings again, Peggy...
I was almost finished with an even-metered perspective on your wonderful fantasy, but in the midst of some research on something else I ended up passing out of MM and lost all that I'd been playing with! I'll try again, but do remember that I still don't know you well enough to have a feel for what you're looking for in the 'end product' of your works, so I'm merely 'workshopping with you', not necessarily making suggestions, playing with form along with you to see what might happen. I hope that's all right ? QUOTE(Peggy Carpenter Harwood @ Aug 1 06, 00:33 ) [snapback]80107[/snapback] A Fantasy I am sitting in the book shop's small cafe. I sip, in book shop's small cafe; You walk in, pause, and look my way.you saunter in... pause, look my way... You smile and it takes my breath away.a smile that takes my breath away. You walk over. As you approach... "Have a coffee if you've got the time." "A coffee? ... if you have the time." Is your heart standing still like mine? Is your heart standing still... as mine? "Think I will!" sounds so sublime. Your "Think I will!" sounds so sublime... You sit down. and you sit down. "This is such a great surprise!" "Wow; this is such a great surprise!" You don't reply,just look into my eyes. Your silence looks in through my eyes; Yours still have the power to hypnotize. you've still that power to hypnotize. You take my hand. You take my hand. "There's something I want to say." "There's something, dear, I want to say." I just listen, never taking my eyes away. Perked ears can't pull my eyes away. "Tell me you love me," I want to pray. Tell me, "I love you," feel me pray... You do. and then... you do! I have no idea whether this is of any assistance to you, but please know that it was fun. You helped me to enter right into the midst of this fantasy. I am not used to doing that, so you've helped me whether or not I've helped you!  deLighting in the process, Daniel B) ······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
MM Award Winner |
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Aug 6 06, 11:54
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#8
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Greek Posts: 698 Joined: 29-May 06 From: US East Coast Member No.: 185 Real Name: Peggy Harwood Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:just wandered in |
Hi Just Daniel,
I see you did do a great job of getting into my fantasy! Thank you so much for reading and taking your time! I am also sorry you lost some work!! While I'm quite serious about the fantasy, as I believe you guessed, I'm kind of experimenting with form on this one. I can tell it will be some time before I jell on final revisions. Oh and I do like your "motto" -- "delighting in the process." It's fun, isn't it? Also, thanks for catching the "like"/"as" error!! I do know better than that!! Peggy ······· ······· |
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Aug 21 06, 19:05
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#9
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Peggy
May I join your fantasy? -- this a joy to read as we all need our fantasies. I personally think that evening each line to the same amout of syllables in each, might help the flow here. I'm sitting in the book shop's small cafe. You walk in, pause, and look my way. You wistfully smile; it takes my breath away. L2 -- you pause as you walk in and look my way L3 -- your wistful smile You walk over. "Have a coffee if you've got the time." Is your heart standing still like mine? "Think I will!" sounds so sublime. L3 -- think I will, it sounds sublime You sit down. "This is such a great surprise!" You don't reply,just look into my eyes. Yours still have the power to hypnotize. You take my hand. "There's something I want to say." I [just] listen, never taking my eyes away. "Tell me you love me," I silently pray. You do. Just a few thoughts to use as you wish, Peggy. Snow ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner      |
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Aug 27 06, 12:46
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#10
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Peggy.
I enjoyed your coffee shop chance meeting. Perhaps that could also be an alternate title for you to ponder? Here are a few more suggestions for you to ponder below. I was trying to add a bit more drama (show v. tell). Cheers ~Cleo [add] {delete} I'm sitting in the book shop's small cafe. You walk in, pause, and look my way. You wistfully smile; it takes my breath away. I sit in book shop’s small café You enter, pause, look my way. A smile that takes my breath away. You walk over. (I would italicize it) You advance my way... "{Have} [A] coffee[,] if you've got the time{.}[?]" Is your heart standing still[…] {like} [as] mine? "Think I will!" sounds so sublime. Who is asking the question? “Sure I will.” sounds so sublime. You sit down. [and then you sit.] "This is such a {great} surprise!" {You don't} A silent reply {just look} [stares] into my eyes. Yours still have the power to hypnotize. (I like Daniel’s idea: [you've still that power to hypnotize.] You take my hand. "There's something I want to say." I just listen, never taking my eyes away. "Tell me you love me," I silently pray. You do. I also like Daniel’s suggestions for the ending of this piece: "There's something, dear, I want to say." Perked ears can't pull my eyes away. Tell me, "I love you," feel me pray... and then... you do! ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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