Ocean Tapestry (another revision), Pictures in the sky Options

[Eisa]

After a long while I have decided to revise this again.

Ocean Tapestry (recent revision)

I gaze through a clouded kingdom
into an ocean tapestry, escaping
to never-never land, entranced…
where ...

a giant whale swallows jelly fish,
wallowing in the waves;
shoals of Angel fish glide
through corals to the caves.

The carnival's awash with merriment
when King Neptune’s golden voice
joins the chorus of sea horses.
Mermaids belly-dance, undulating
scaly tails – hair flowing.
The octopus’s rock and roll,
rippling in the rhythmic tide.

Wisps of surf surge across cyan realms,
mirthful creatures merge and drift away.
His Majesty remains, flooding
his celestial sphere with amber shafts.
My reverie concludes, reality returns
-- tea-break is over.





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<font color='#000000'>Ocean Tapestry  (2nd revision)


I gaze aloft; a clouded kingdom,
shapes into an ocean tapestry;
I escape into dreamland.
-- entranced.

A giant whale swallows jelly fish,
wallowing in the waves.
Shoals of Angel fish  
cruise through rosy corals,
to caves, where a carnival begins.

The octopus gesticulates,
rippling like the waves,
mermaids undulate scaly tails;
they dance -- hair flowing.
King Neptune’s golden timbre rings
to swell the chorus
of the aquatic festival.

Celestial waves,
crowned with wisps of surf,
surge across the sapphire realm.
Creatures merge together --
whisked away on the tide.

Cloudy souls disappear into the blue;
His Majesty remains to flood
his realm with amber shafts.
My reverie concludes, reality returns;
tea-break is over.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Ocean Tapestry  (first revision)

I gaze aloft; the cloudy kingdom
shapes into an ocean tapestry,
I escape into dreamland.
-- entranced.

A giant whale swallows jelly fish;
wallows in the waves.
Shoals of Angel fish  
cruise through rosy corals,
to caves, where a carnival begins.

The octopus gesticulates
with rippling tentacles;
mermaids undulate scaly tails;
they dance -- hair flowing.
King Neptune smiles;
vibrant beams
enhancing the aquatic festival.

Celestial waves, tipped with wisps of surf,
surge across the sapphire realm.
Creatures merge together --
whisked away on the tide.

Cloudy souls disappear into the blue;
sky is clear, yet His Majesty remains
to flood his realm with amber shafts.
My reverie concludes -- reality returns.






Ocean Tapestry

I gaze above, at the cloudy Kingdom,
where ocean tapestries take shape, then I
escape into dreamland -- entranced.

A giant whale swallows jelly fish,
wallows in the waves.
Shoals of Angel fishes quickly
cruise through the corals,
to the caves, where
a carnival takes place.

The octopus gesticulates
his rippling tentacles
mermaids undulate
their scaly tails and dance
-- hair flowing.
King Neptune smiles --
shines his vibrant beams
to enhance the aquatic festival.

Wisps of surf trim Celestial waves,
that surge across the sapphire realm
until creatures merge together --
whisked away on the tide.

Cloudy souls disappear into the blue
until the sky is clear, His Majesty remains
to fill the sphere with amber shafts.
My reverie concludes -- reality reigns.</font>



<!--EDIT|Eisa
Reason for Edit: None given|1126652829 -->

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Eisa

This is a wonderful, dreamy poem, showing the images you see in the clouds.  It is also interesting as I tend to see faces, dogs or people rather than sea creatures.   It shows how differently we perceive things.

I have a few suggestions for you to take or leave

[add] {delete} (comment)

Ocean Tapestry

I gaze above, at the cloudy Kingdom,
where ocean tapestries take shape, then {I}
escape into dreamland -- entranced.

A giant whale swallows jelly fish,
wallows in the waves.
Shoals of Angel fish{es} {quickly} (cruise implies going a bit slower)
cruise through {the} coral{s},
to {the} caves, where
a carnival takes place.

The octopus gesticulates
{his} [with] rippling tentacles
mermaids undulate
their scaly tails and dance
-- hair flowing.
King Neptune smiles --
shines his vibrant beams
to enhance the aquatic festival.

Wisps of surf trim Celestial waves,
that surge across the sapphire realm
until creatures merge together --
whisked away on the tide.

Cloudy souls disappear into the blue
until the sky is clear, His Majesty remains
to fill the sphere with amber shafts.
My reverie concludes -- reality reigns.

reality being of course that the clouds thicken up till no sky is visible and it pours with rain

Nina

[Guest_blondie_*]

Hi Eisa!  Happy cloud watching to you!  

I am amazed at the growing talent among the members of Mosaic Musings!  I haven't posted in some time and must say I am having an incredible afternoon catching up on these great reads!  Yours is no exception.  I am still such an amateur!  :p

Your poem reminded me of, not only the sky and the clouds, but also of the few moments I spend at the ocean.  Being from south Arkansas, I rarely visit the beach, but when I do, I try to soak up as much as I can!  

Cloudy souls disappear into the blue ( I love this line.)
until the sky is clear, His Majesty remains
to fill the sphere with amber shafts.
My reverie concludes -- reality reigns. (Great ending also...the closing of the day...sunset....)

Great read!  Thanks for sharing...

Amy  

[Cleo_Serapis]

~bump~

I'll be back soon Snow to comment when time finds me....

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Eisa -

Just Verse One for now.

I gaze above[:]{, at the} cloudy Kingdom,
where ocean tapestries take shape, (line split){then} I
escape into dreamland {-}- (line split) entranced.

Thus:

I gaze above: cloudy Kingdom,
where ocean tapestries take shape.
I escape into dreamland -
entranced.

OK Eisa, that would be my crit approach. If you’d like me to continue (probably only showing the finished suggestion) then please let me know.

All the best, J.

[Cybele]

Hello Eisa,

Sorry I am in a hurry and haven't had time to read crits, so some may be duplications.

I gaze above, at the cloudy Kingdom,
where ocean tapestries take shape, then I
escape into dreamland -- entranced.

L1 Suggest I gaze aloft. Indicates greater height and not just above your head, but encompassing the whole sky?


A giant whale swallows jelly fish,
wallows in the waves.
Shoals of Angel fishes quickly
cruise through the corals,
to the caves, where
a carnival takes place.

L3  I think that should be Angel fish (its own plural Eisa?)

Drop ‘quickly’. too fast a comparison with cruise

The octopus gesticulates
his rippling tentacles
mermaids undulate
their scaly tails and dance
-- hair flowing.
King Neptune smiles --
shines his vibrant beams
to enhance the aquatic festival.

L2 with rippling tentacles?
Suggest ending

Neptune’s smiles;
vibrant beams,  
to enhance the aquatic festival.


Wisps of surf trim Celestial waves,
that surge across the sapphire realm
until creatures merge together --
whisked away on the tide.

Cloudy souls disappear into the blue
until the sky is clear, His Majesty remains
to fill the sphere with amber shafts.
My reverie concludes -- reality reigns.
Suggest you do not need

until the sky is clear?

A wonderful reverie and one of my very favourite pastimes, although I generally see animals and teddy bears! Lovely read Eisa, thank you.

[Eisa]

Hi Nina  (fellow cloud watcher)  

Thanks for your suggestions, they are exactly what I need. As I am new to FV it always takes me a while to trim back as far as possible.

reality being of course that the clouds thicken up till no sky is visible and it pours with rain


LOL!!  I did wonder whether to take that direction at the end, as it is more true to life -- but I deided to be positive.

Thanks again

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Amy

From my recollections you are no amateur. I look forward to reading your work again.  :sun:


Glad you enjoyed this.

Snow  :cheer:

[Eisa]

~bump~

I'll be back soon Snow to comment when time finds me....

Thanks Lori -- look forward to hearing from you.


Snow

[Eisa]

Hi James

Thank you for your suggestions for the 1st stanza, which are similar to my revision (posting in a minute) I am always grateful for any suggestions to consider as I tend to change words round many times before I feel satisfied -- so if you have any further ideas, please let me know.

Snow  

[Eisa]

Hello Grace  

I tend to see all sorts in the sky and love letting my imagination take me into other worlds.  :guitar:  :dance:

Thanks for your suggestions which are `spot on'.

Love Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Snow!  :cloud9:

I like tales where our dreamworld enters reality (even if only for a few moments)!  :grinning:

I liked your use of alliteration here and soft-rhymes throughout. King Neptune will surely live on in his Kingdom!

One suggestion here:

I gaze aloft; the cloudy kingdom
shapes into an ocean tapestry,
I escape into dreamland.
-- entranced.

How about:

I gaze aloft; a clouded kingdom
shapes into an ocean tapestry,
I escape into dreamland.
-- entranced.


Well done Snow!
~Cleo  :pharoah:

[Guest_Bridget_*]

Hello Snow!

I really enjoyed this piece! I'm somewhat new at this comment/critiquing thing so please take my comments with a large grain of salt. Some really great imagry though, I particularly liked these lines:

The octopus gesticulates
with rippling tentacles;
mermaids undulate scaly tails;
they dance -- hair flowing.

I just have a few suggestions otherwise:


I gaze aloft; the cloudy kingdom [I like a clouded kingdom too]
shapes into an ocean tapestry,
I escape into dreamland.
-- entranced.

A giant whale swallows jelly fish;
wallows in the waves.    [ wallowing instead of wallows, possibley]
Shoals of Angel fish  
cruise through rosy corals,
to caves, where a carnival begins.


Celestial waves, tipped with wisps of surf,
                                            [ possibley change tipped with to etched in ]
surge across the sapphire realm.
Creatures merge together --
whisked away on the tide.

Very nicely done!

Thanks!

Bridget

[Eisa]

Hi Lori

I am at last replying to your suggestion which I like very much and will be changing it.  :pharoah2

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Bridget

Thanks for your great suggestions which I am taking on board bafore I do some tweaking.

Thanks again.

Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

Cool Snow!

Thanks for accepting my idea!

Congrats also on your new Mod Choice award for Lover's Locket!

Well done!
~Cleo :pharoah2

[Eisa]

I've just been looking at this one again ~ don't know whether I've improved it though.

Snow