The Mourn Dawns Options

[Athena]

This is the first poem I've written and posted in ages.  I know it needs work ... I hope you'll help me with it.  Thanks!


The Mourning Dawns

The mourning comes, it will not be denyed.
The sun rises bright and warm into the blue
but touches nary a cloud of her dim world,
a world still dripping with foggy mists.

A wise person came upon her day and
tried to show the path toward light
but the blue mist continued to command
center stage as the fog slowly swirled.

The pain emanated from a deep dark place
and filled the void that existed, draped
in a facade of reason and correctness as
once again the shock of betrayal loomed.

Voices called out to her urging forgiveness,
but is there room in this crowded air
for such feelings of ease and light?
She thought not, as BETRAYAL commands.

Where dwells the light and horn that signals
rocks and rough waters ahead?  Why had
they not warned in the night of joy?  Joy
dimmed  and faded when the silence sat.

The once proud willow boughed her branches
yielding to the bitter taste of lies, loss,
and betrayal.  Where was the Gardener?
Why had He left her in time of great need?

Her shattered heart poured forth questions into
the breezes that wrapped her about with gentle
whispers of warmth and love   and worked in
vain to comfort and guide from gloom.

At last, the Healer approaches!  Will He take
note of this deepest of aching plights?
Will He release her from the on-going stabs
of piercing facts that strive to do her in?

Softly He seemed to pass her by ... she sighed,
perhaps on the morrow He'll come again to lift
the mists allowing the light and warmth to enter
her war ravaged heart, but for today, endure.


© Copyright August 2003

[Guest__*]

I think this is a rather well done work. I do get the feeling, though, that it does tend to go off on its own and ramble a bit, and then meander back. You may want to look at tightening it up a little, but outside of that, I think you have a very good poem, here.

-H

[Athena]

I think this is a rather well done work. I do get the feeling, though, that it does tend to go off on its own and ramble a bit, and then meander back. You may want to look at tightening it up a little, but outside of that, I think you have a very good poem, here.

-H

Dear Mr. Harlequin,

Thank you for coming by and commenting.  I must say I do agree with you.  For the very first time ever, these words flooded my mind just as they are and I had to struggle to get them written before my head exploded or something!  Was really a unique feeling!

This same thing happens to others I know, but has never to me before now.  I know I could tighten the poem up, but guess I need some help in knowing what and where.  All I really know about this (wierd) poem is that it insisted on being written, and once in print, a sigh of relief escaped me.

Although I've been writing most of my life I've never tried my hand at poetry until about a year ago, and for the last few months, due to perplexing personal problems, I haven't even been attempting, until the above.

Thanks again for your time and comments!  Most appreciated!

Blessings,
Athena

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Dolly!
Congrats for penning this poem and getting over your 'writer's poetry block'! :)  :cool:

My intial observation is that we need to express a few words in here as if we, the reader, are living in it. There are places that you 'infer' a feeling, why not describe it instead? I like your relationship between hope/uncertainty and forgiveness/pride, and is a strong message within. What a killer ending! Nice job! :)

Please see my suggestions below to take or toss. I hop I didn't change your ideas on this one....
HUGS!
Lori

The Mourning Dawns

The mourning comes, it will not be denyed.
The sun rises bright and warm into the blue
but touches nary a cloud of her dim world,
a world still dripping with foggy mists.

A strong opening and the choice of 'mourning' sets up the mood nicely. You have a typo in 'denied'. I am not a fan of negative words like 'but' so will offer you an alternative to t or t here. Love L4!

The mourning comes, it will not be denied.
The sun rises bright and warm into the blue
touching nary a cloud of her dim world,
a world still dripping with foggy mists.

A wise person came upon her day and
tried to show the path toward light
but the blue mist continued to command
center stage as the fog slowly swirled.

again - I would delete the word 'but' here.
A wise person came upon her day
struggling to show a path toward light,
in blue mists unyielding its command
of center stage amisdt swirling fog.

The pain emanated from a deep dark place
and filled the void that existed, draped
in a facade of reason and correctness as
once again the shock of betrayal loomed.

Pain (or grief?) emanated from a deep dark (chasm?)
filling an existing void draped
in a facade of reason [and correctness] as
the shock of betrayal loomed.

Voices called out to her urging forgiveness,
but is there room in this crowded air
for such feelings of ease and light?
She thought not, as BETRAYAL commands.

Voices urged forgiveness
in a room of crowded air.
Is there room for feelings of ease and light
where BETRAYAL commands?

Where dwells the light and horn that signals
rocks and rough waters ahead?  Why had
they not warned in the night of joy?  Joy
dimmed and faded when the silence sat.

The once proud willow boughed her branches
yielding to the bitter taste of lies, loss,
and betrayal.  Where was the Gardener?
Why had He left her in time of great need?
Excellent!

Her shattered heart poured forth questions into
the breezes that wrapped her about with gentle
whispers of warmth and love and worked in
vain to comfort and guide from gloom.

Her shattered heart poured forth questions
into gentle wrapping breezes of soft
whispers. Warmth and love worked in
vain to comfort and guide from gloom.

At last, the Healer approaches!  Will He take
note of this deepest of aching plights?
Will He release her from the on-going stabs
of piercing facts that strive to do her in?

Softly He seemed to pass her by ... [she sighed,]!~delete?
perhaps on the morrow He'll come again to lift
the mists allowing the light and warmth to enter
her war ravaged heart, but for today, endure.

[Charon]

This reminds me of one that I did awhile back called The Ghost, only yours is much more eloquent.

At first I was thrown by the word mourning thinking it was a mispelling, especially with the denyed.  But then I read on, and you pulled me right in.

Cleo has offered very good advice, it'll be interesting to see the rewrite.

Thanks for sharing,
Atila

[AMETHYST]

Hi There Athena...

This is a beautiful poem, it has a multi-level of metaphor and meaning, I've been reading this and finding myself with so many images and ideas...

I still only have one suggestion, L1: denied.

Perhaps after my house is a home once again (I am exchanging rooms with Kelly and preparing for the baby to come) I can sit with a nice cup of coffee and enjoy some real focus and maybe be able to lend a closer eye on this... till then, I think your muse held off for a while so it could offer you something GOLDEN!

Hugs, Liz

[Guest_Zeus²_*]

Merri, as I mentioned,

This poem so defines the question "why no answers"? A flowing and emotional piece.
Larry