When, Wizard Award Options

[Guest_Websailor_*]

V3

When all our anger’s overturned
and innocents are free at last
from bloody sword and hellish burn,
when war’s a relic of the past;
when Man’s uncertain enmity
presents, in breach, from evil’s womb
and love becomes our legacy
as Mars is sealed in Satan’s tomb,
a marble, gilded monument,
inscription etched with golden rhyme,
will sing the dirge; the grim lament
to chronicle, to rue the time
when eyes beheld what souls abhor;
when children slept in arms of war.


V2
When all our anger’s overturned
and innocents are free at last
from bloody sword and hellish burn,
then war’s a relic of the past.

When Man’s uncertain enmity
presents, in breach, from evil’s womb
and love becomes our legacy
as Mars is sealed in Satan’s tomb,

a marble, gilded monument,
inscription etched with golden rhyme,
will sing a dirge, a grim lament
to chronicle, to rue the time

when war was present in our eyes
and peace was dressed in war’s disguise.

_______________________________________


Original


When all our anger’s overturned,
when innocents are free at last
from bloody sword and hellish burn,
when war’s a relic of the past;

when death’s uncertain enmity
presents, in breach, from evil’s womb;
when love is our posterity
and Mars is sealed in Satan’s tomb;

a marble, gilded monument,
inscription etched with golden rhyme,
will sing a dirge and war’s lament
to chronicle, to rue the time

when war was present in our eyes;
when war and peace in war’s disguise.

[Mary Boren]

Oh my. This is deep, Wayne. I've got to get ready for work now -- just wanted you to know that I have absorbed the first read with empathy and appreciation. When, indeed. I'm a little confused by the last line.

What a joy to have you posting here!

Mary

P. S. Thanks for looking at Tornado -- I'll be back as soon as possible.

[Guest_Websailor_*]

Mary,

Last line... was afraid it wouldn't be clear (isn't the first time, you know).


I was thinking of something like this:

when hate was present in our eyes
and war, and peace in war’s disguise.

Wayne

[Guest_Don_*]

Hello there sailor,

Did you mean for last line to be:
when war was peace in war’s disguise.

Please divide this into manageable sentences.

You are probably aware that over use of "when" is dulling.

A positive view that war and mankind's inhumanity will end.

Don

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Wayne.

I enjoyed your poem and it's poignant message, especially today.

I too, feel there are too many 'wars' and 'whens' so I've offered a few alternate ideas below for you to ponder. I was a bit unclear on the last line, so please take what you like and toss the rest of the suggestions I offer as you wish.

Welcome!
~Cleo

[add] {delete}

When all our anger’s overturned,
{when} [and] innocents are free at last
from bloody sword and hellish burn,
when war’s a relic of the past;
Great opening, hope amid chaotic times.

{when} [whilst] death’s uncertain enmity
presents, in breach, from evil’s womb;
{when} [it’s] love {is} [that’s] our posterity
and Mars is sealed in Satan’s tomb;
Yes - send those minions back to Hell!

a marble, gilded monument,
inscription etched with golden rhyme,
will sing a dirge and war’s lament
to chronicle, to rue the time
Nice transition and smooth rhythms.

when {war} [strife] was present in our eyes;
{when war and} [there's] peace {in war’s} [amid hostile] disguise.

[Guest_Websailor_*]

Hello Don, Cleo

Yes, I realise the "When's" etc are a bit much... I knew it was a bit rough. I think I had to have another eye see that too though.


I'll ponder the suggestions and, this evening, attempt a re-write. Thanks, so much, for looking at this.

"when war was peace in war’s disguise." Hmmmmm.... that's not quite it either. It will come.


Regards,

Wayne

[heartsong7]

When all our anger’s overturned,
when innocents are free at last
from bloody sword and hellish burn,
when war’s a relic of the past;

when death’s uncertain enmity
presents, in breach, from evil’s womb;
when love is our posterity
and Mars is sealed in Satan’s tomb;

a marble, gilded monument,
inscription etched with golden rhyme,
will sing a dirge and war’s lament
to chronicle, to rue the time

when war was present in our eyes;
when war and peace in war’s disguise.

A very timely and powerfully stated Tet sonnet.
I esp like:
when love is our posterity
and Mars is sealed in Satan’s tomb;
Oh, for such a time. Do you think it will ever come?

I gotta say, I don't get the last line though... but then, I seem to be having a dense day, so it could just be me.

Please enlighten... but later, if you want to see first whether it is just me having a problem understanding.

Best to you,
sue

[Merlin]

Hi Wayne,
Welcome aboard, if that hasn't been said already! Good to have the anchorman with us.

Initially I read this thru, and the "w-hen's" didn't bother me at all, taking them as a list of things. Reading the comments, they might be improved if, per stanza, you were to lay out 1-w hen, and sum up with 1-t hen. This is what I mean>>

When all our anger’s overturned
and innocents are free at last
from bloody sword and hellish burn,
then war’s a relic of the past.

See what ya think,

Merlin

Oh ya, the couplet needs uncoupling.

[Guest_Websailor_*]

Hmmm, yeah, I'm sensing the last line doesn't make sense to most. It sounded great, while it was still in my head.

My intention was to comment that even "when" we are "offically" at peace we are, in reality, often at war. I guess that undeclared Vietnam thing where I went straight outa high school kinda tinted my thinking.

Hate to lose that line or a bit of that meaning though..

"when war was present in our eyes
and peace was dressed in war’s disguise.

Merlin...to your comments about the "When's"... I yelled at them a bit but they wouldn't go away and I am not THAT uncomfortable with em. Your suggestion for the demise of the one might work. I'll think on it.

But, for now, the grand children are coming down the street and I gotta get the charcoal going soon.

Thanks, all, for the comments. I gotta say... it's a pleasure sharing brains with y'all again.


Wayne

[heartsong7]

V2
When all our anger’s overturned
and innocents are free at last
from bloody sword and hellish burn,
then war’s a relic of the past.

When Man’s uncertain enmity
presents, in breach, from evil’s womb
and love becomes our legacy
as Mars is sealed in Satan’s tomb,

a marble, gilded monument,
inscription etched with golden rhyme,
will sing a dirge, a grim lament
to chronicle, to rue the time

when war was present in our eyes
and peace was dressed in war’s disguise.

_______________________________________


Original


When all our anger’s overturned,
when innocents are free at last
from bloody sword and hellish burn,
when war’s a relic of the past;

when death’s uncertain enmity
presents, in breach, from evil’s womb;
when love is our posterity
and Mars is sealed in Satan’s tomb;

a marble, gilded monument,
inscription etched with golden rhyme,
will sing a dirge and war’s lament
to chronicle, to rue the time

when war was present in our eyes;
when war and peace in war’s disguise.

I'm ok with the when's even in the original. It was the 2 so close in the couplet that was a bit much for me. The revision cuts down on 2 overall. The last line, however is still unclear. I would think that it's war that's being disguised as peace, rather than peace dressed in war's disguise.

"when war was always in our eyes,
though sometimes dressed in peaceful guise."

Would you consider a block format rather than breaking into stanzas?

When all our anger’s overturned
and innocents are free at last
from bloody sword and hellish burn,
then war’s a relic of the past.
When Man’s uncertain enmity
presents, in breach, from evil’s womb
and love becomes our legacy
as Mars is sealed in Satan’s tomb,
a marble, gilded monument,
inscription etched with golden rhyme,
will sing a dirge, a grim lament
to chronicle, to rue the time
when war was present in our eyes
and peace was dressed in war’s disguise.



A touching poem to be sure.
Sue

[AMETHYST]

Hello Wayne

Welcome to MM! I am unsure if this is your first post of your poetry or not, but this is some amazing example of skill and talent. The word choices are breathtaking - the meaning is profound and the is of the highest excellence in poetry. The changes this far are wonderful, especially in the final line ...

I have printed this out and will return with some further thoughts, but wanted to let you know I had stopped in, read this poem and felt the depth!

Best Wishes, Liz

V2
When all our anger’s overturned
and innocents are free at last
from bloody sword and hellish burn,
then war’s a relic of the past.

When Man’s uncertain enmity
presents, in breach, from evil’s womb
and love becomes our legacy
as Mars is sealed in Satan’s tomb,

a marble, gilded monument,
inscription etched with golden rhyme,
will sing a dirge, a grim lament
to chronicle, to rue the time

when war was present in our eyes
and peace was dressed in war’s disguise.

[Guest_Websailor_*]

Thanks Sue. I appreciate the comments. I like this poem..but I am not satisfied with the ending eitther. I'll leave it a while and see what comes.

Liz,

Thanks for the kind words. This is my first post of a poem here, I've been around on the web for a few years and know some of the others here (Merlin, Mary, Sue, Ron etc). Do come back with your thoughts. I like the poem, but...as I mentioned above, it's not quite "there" and I appreciate help.

Regards,

Wayne

[laryalee]

Hi Wayne!
It's so good to see you...
and I'm really moved by your poem.
I also love the way you've revised the last
line...it works for me.
This is all so sadly true...
and I can only wonder what's ahead.

warm thoughts,
Lary

[Guest_Websailor_*]

Hello Lary, It's great to see you too.

Thanks for the kind words. I was not (am not) happy with the original ending or any of my edits or the suggestions. Changes the poem too much ... but maybe what I meant to say is "unsayable".

Here is an alternate with a new ending...

Can someone tell me how to edit the title??

Sorry folks.. the "when's" are back (they are insistant).

v3 or a new poem (not sure which).

When

When all our anger’s overturned
and innocents are free at last
from bloody sword and hellish burn,
when war’s a relic of the past;

when Man’s uncertain enmity
presents, in breach, from evil’s womb
and love becomes our legacy
as Mars is sealed in Satan’s tomb,

a marble, gilded monument,
inscription etched with golden rhyme,
will sing the dirge; the grim lament
to chronicle, to rue the time

when eyes beheld what souls abhor;
when children slept in arms of war.

[Cleo_Serapis]

I like the new ending Wayne!

I'm in a rush but wanted to answer your Q:

Can someone tell me how to edit the title??

You must reach 50 posts and then you'll be able to edit your titles. What new title would you like it to say - I can edit it for you.

Regards,
Cleo

[JLY]

Wayne,
This is extremely well-done, filled with emotion and thought provoking images. I particularly found these lines to be quite poignant:

from bloody sword and hellish burn,
then war’s a relic of the past.

This is a must read, no matter what the day of the year may be.
JLY

[heartsong7]

when eyes beheld what souls abhor;
when children slept in arms of war.

That clicks for me... and the repeats of 'when" do work.
This is a wonderful Memorial Day tribute but would be a good one to hear everday... at the end of each news report on the current war (or wars) around the world.

Nice revising.
Sue

[Guest_Websailor_*]

Cleo,

If you don't mind, I just wanted to make the title "When"... remove the (memorial). Glad you liked the revision. It was a hard thing to give away my "peace / disguise" but it works for me too in the light of early morning.

Thanks for the help.

Thanks John and Sue for looking in.

Thanks to all who contributed. I hadn't planned to post a poem this early. This one just wanted out I guess.

I plan to just help with the critique for a while and enjoy reading. There are some great things going on here.

Regards,

Wayne

[jgdittier]

Dear Wayne,
Seeing you here is a great treat. You once told me you'd soon be back.
So appropriate is your message!
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Wayne.

KUDOS on your new ending and the change to MAN in L5 - I think this is a more poignant ending and much clearer to me as the reader.

One note: Did you want to keep all as one stanza and should there be a semi-colon or an emdash at the end of this line: as Mars is sealed in Satan’s tomb,

One more Q; is this a sonnet?

Regards,
Lori