My thanks to Sam, Jly, Liz, and Lori



Original Version
Come fly with me to a paperback world
where the cow jumped over the moon.
A place swathed in silk and such golden rewards,
where the knife ran away with the spoon.

Come play with Alice at the afternoon tea,
you can chat with the guests as they call,
but be careful of bees lurking under the trees,
they will sting those who seem to be tall.

Give Jack Horner your hand, as he leads the wee band
that's composed of the queen's best of court.
You may dance to his tune by the light of the moon,
as the prince finds a slipper of sorts.

Just be yourself, and you'll never need help
in the world of such fairy tale ploys.
Just remember to bow to the maid and the cow,
and you'll always do well with the boys.

Judith Anne Labriola[/center]



Revision 2
Come fly with me to a paperback world
where the cow jumped over the moon.
A place swathed in silk and such golden reward,
where the knife ran away with the spoon.

Come play with Alice at the afternoon tea,
you can chat with the guests as they call,
but be careful of bees lurking under the trees,
they will sting those who seem to be tall.

Give Jack Horner a hand, as he leads the wee band
that's composed of the queen's royal court.
You may dance to his tune by the light of the moon,
as the prince finds a slipper of sorts.

Just be yourself, and you'll never need help
in the world of such fairy tale ploys.
Just remember to bow to the maid and the cow,
and you'll always do well with the boys.

Judith Anne Labriola[/center]


Original Version

Come fly with me to a paperback world
where the cow jumped over the moon.
A place swathed in silk and such golden rewards,
where the knife ran away with the spoon.

Come play with Alice at the afternoon tea,
you can chat with the guests as they call,
but be careful of bees lurking under the trees,
they will sting those who seem to be tall.

Give Jack Horner your hand, as he leads the wee band
that's composed of the queen's best of court.
You may dance to his tune by the light of the moon,
as the prince finds a slipper of sorts.

Just be yourself, and you'll never need help
in the world of such fairy tale ploys.
Just remember to bow to the maid and the cow,
and you'll always do well with the boys.

Judith Anne Labriola[/center]


Original Version
Come fly with me to a paperback world
where the cow jumped over the moon.
A place swathed in silk and such golden reward,
where the knife ran away with the spoon.

Come play with Alice at the afternoon tea,
you can chat with the guests as they call,
but be careful of bees lurking under the trees,
they will sting those who seem to be tall.

Give Jack Horner a hand, as he leads the wee band
that's composed of the queen's royal court.
You may dance to his tune by the light of the moon,
as the prince finds a slipper of sorts.

Just be yourself, and you'll never need help
in the world of such fairy tale ploys.
Just remember to bow to the maid and the cow,
and you'll always do well with the boys.

Judith Anne Labriola[/center]

changed best to guest per Sam 9/30



Original Version

Come fly with me to a paperback world
where the cow jumped over the moon.
A place swathed in silk and such golden rewards,
where the knife ran away with the spoon.

Come play with Alice at the afternoon tea,
you can chat with the guests as they call,
but be careful of bees lurking under the trees,
they will sting those who seem to be tall.

Give Jack Horner your hand, as he leads the wee band
that's composed of the queen's best of court.
You may dance to his tune by the light of the moon,
as the prince finds a slipper of sorts.

Just be yourself, and you'll never need help
in the world of such fairy tale ploys.
Just remember to bow to the maid and the cow,
and you'll always do well with the boys.

Judith Anne Labriola[/center]

Dear Judi;

Magical ! Such a lovely invitation.

Come play with Alice at the afternoon tea,
you can chat with the guests as they call,
but be careful of bees lurking under the trees,
lest they worry your raggedy Ann doll.



Give Jack Horner your hand, as he leads the wee band
that's composed of the queen's royal court.
You may dance to his tune by the light of the moon,
as the prince finds a slipper of sorts.

Just a couple suggestions. Your poem is wonderful. Soft reminders of childhood, such as this are truly a treasure.

blessings
sam

Hi Sam....Thanks for your comments and I immediately will change best to guest as soon as I type your reply. I am not sure about the other one...I was trying for a kind of Dr. Seuss remark there...I may keep that one...Thanks again, Judi

Judi,

This is well-written and the rhymes have that fairy tale magic and it has a sing-song feel to it. I really don't see any glaring areas that need altering.

I do pose one question about your first line:

Come fly with me to a paperback world,

When I think of Fairy Tales and how I remember them, they were always read to me by my mother who had in her hand an old tattered harbound book. To me the word paperback seems out of place; perhaps the younger generation might find it to be acceptable because they may have been read their tales from paperbacks.

I guess for this traditionalist, it seems a little out of place with the images you are creating.

But either way, this was a nice diversion that harkened back to the fun times of my youth.

JLY

Hi Jly....Thanks so much for your comments... I was going to put "fairytale" world, but I didn't want to put down the obvious word since the poem kind of skips around a bit and is kind of nonsensical throughout.

I may change it to fairytale...not sure yet. My Best, Judi

Hi Judi,

Once again you floor me with a very skilled and enchanting poem. The sounds enhance the magical tone that make this a joy to read. I especially enjoyed that you mixed the characters and fairy tales and rhymes to blend them into a place where all the childhood characters of Mother Goose and fairytale stories we all grew up on.

A magical land and we're all invited to experience the nuggets of wonder found here... The meter bumped a couple of places but nothing too disruptive, I felt the accentual verse was perfectly (that is how I read it ... accentual ) ... and it adds that perfect dancelike rhythym ..

Some minor thoughts and ideas to follow. However, this is a most enchanting poem and I smiled a much needed smile in its' loveliness!

Hugs, Liz





Love the image of ' ... paperback world" very fresh and unique. I also liked L3, however I would suggest '... and such golden reward (omit s)'





Perhaps ...
"Let's play with Alice at an afternoon tea,
then we'll chat with guests as they call,
but be careful of bees lurking under the trees
they will sting anyone who seems too tall.





In L1, perhaps ... as he leads a wee bad

I like the suggestion Sam left for L2, "...that's composed of the queen's royal court.
Love the play on L4. Very nice creative way to add Prince Charming and the story of Cinderella .. without actually coming right out with it. I think you've done a marvelous job at including such fairytales, but you make it strong with veilled implications...




Bright and charming ending. Not a nit... Judi, I bow to you and even that cow because you've brought about a warm and loving poetry.

Best Wishes, Liz

Hi Liz...I had a play by play reply, but somehow it got wiped out..anyway, I did revise and used some of both yours and Sam's suggestions...
Some I could not use because of either the meter...or the meaning would be lost
by changing band to bad...

I pay close attention to your crits, and appreciate the time you take giving them.

Blessings to you, Judi

Hi Judi,

It appears that your reply to Liz didn't work as expected above mine? Please take a peek...


What a whimsical poem that has me asking, when can I go?

I wonder if you’ve thought of putting this into present tense since you are inviting the reader to ‘come fly with me’ ? A few slight word edits is all that would be needed as follows (with a few additional thoughts too):

S1L1: fictitious in place of paperback (so as not to rule out hard covers)
L2: jumps
L3: ‘and such’ seems a bit of a filler IMHO. Can you describe the silk instead somehow?
L4: runs

S2L1: delete ‘the’ for a tad smoother rhythmic flow
L2: Change comma to an endstop
L3: delete ‘but’ – do bees lurk? Be careful of bees hov’ring low in the trees
L4: Suggest a change to: who appear to them, tall.

S3L1: I would delete ‘Horner’ for better flow
L3: delete comma
L4: not sure but maybe change ‘as’ to ‘while’ ?

S4L1: Change ‘Just’ to either ‘Be true to’ so as not to have that duplicate down in L3.
L2: change ‘the’ to ‘a’ ?

Enjoyed the read!
~Cleo

Thanks Lori...I appreciate your comments...I have made some changes in my own words where you suggested a change...Thanks so much for your coments. My Best, Judi

Judi!

One teensy suggestion for the ending line:

so you you'll always do well with the boys.

What a fun poem!
~Cleo

This is great fun Judi! and your revisions have improved the flow. The only thing I can mention is that perhaps 'storybook world' is not so original as 'paperback world' although I can see that it would include hard covers too. I'm wondering if there is an aternative - paperback really seemed fresh, whereas storybook is a little cliche.

A great read to make me smile
Snow

I liked paperback also, but had several comments on it.. I will have to chew on it. Maybe an entirely NEW word would satisfy everyone...How about "Make Believe world
or "Let's pretend" world...(When I was little there was a radio program every Saturday here, called "Let's pretend and I LOVED it...I learned to read at a very young age and I had a book of Fairy tales that I read all the time...) Guess I am approaching senility...LOL...(((Judi)))

Hi Judi,

Your revisions are wonderful... that 'bad/band' was a typo on my part - it was meant to be band ... so I'm glad you didn't make use of it! LOL ...
Such a lovely poem for both the lightheartedness of the subject and the sounds incorporated through out.

Beautiful work as always, Best wishes ... Liz

Judi,
Oh, what sweet memories you have brought to the fore with your lovely whimsical poem. I enjoyed reading (and remembering) very much. A couple of suggestions to use or toss as you see fit. I, with my meter madness or obsession, would like to see smoother ( less) lines. I don't know, but that is what "crits" are for. Again, I enjoyed it very much.

Larry

Come fly with me to a storybook world; Fly with me to a child's fantasy;
see the cow jump (ing) over the moon.
(Where) the paupers wear silk as they sup with the rich
and the knife runs away with the spoon.

Come play with Alice at the afternoon tea, Play with Alice at afternoon tea,
you can chat with the guests as they call.
Please be careful of bees lurking under the trees;
they will sting all who seem to be tall.

Give Jack Horner a hand, as he leads the wee band
that's composed of the queen's royal court.
You may dance to his tune by the light of the moon,
as the prince finds a slipper of sorts.

Just be yourself, and you'll never need help Be yourself, and you'll never need help
in the world of such fairy tale ploys,
and remember to bow to the maid and the cow,
so you'll always do well with the boys.

Hi Larry...

Some of the changes you mentioned would leave me short of feet in my meter, but I appreciate your suggestions, and they were good ones!

I appreciate you taking the time to read and make suggestions....a "crit" is a critique...which you just gave, and very nicely! My best, Judi

Hi Judi

I see you've gone back to 'paperback' world - I really do like this, although 'Let's pretend world' sound good too.

Snow

Hi Judi,

I just had a thought. How about: Come fly with me to a far-away world; (This way, it has alliteration to 'fly' and doesn't trap you into one type of book...

Sorry not to be online much recently, I'm battling an AWEFUL sinus infection/earache and I think I'm beating now. Hope so, we're off to see the Mouse on vacation tomorrow for 12 days. Perhaps seeing all the fun things there will inspire my muse?

Cheers
~Cleo

P.S. I like your changes to present tense too! KUDOS

Thanks Lori....I hope you have a great time...I live 45 minutes away from it, and we've been there so much it doesn't seem to be a treat anymore...but I remember my first time there...it was exciting....I know you will like it...Take care..Judi

Thanks Judi - we're off to meet Liz in a few minutes for lunch, whippee! This will be my 8th or 9th visit to Mickeyland actually, Peter's 2nd. I don't go often (first trip in 1984) so each time is still a treat. I love EPCOT most and always find neat, techie things to play with there. We're not used to the Florida heat though - even today, it's like 85 - back home, it's barely 60 this time of year.

Hoping my muse reciprocates with a verse or two when I return.

HUGS
~Lori